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An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn't believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.
Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch.
Summer: I just... I just woke up one day and I knew. Tom: Knew what? Summer: ...What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: Do you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?
Rachel Hansen: Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
Narrator: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
Narrator: If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now.
Tom: I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.
Vance: [reading a card that Tom has written] Roses are red, violets are blue... Fuck you, whore!
Tom: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated.
Tom: Well this is, and Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit. Go for it? You can do it? That's not inspirational that's suicidal! If pickles goes for it right there that's a dead cat. Lies, were liars think about it, why do people buy these things? It's not because they wanna say how they feel, people buy cards cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Lets level with America at least let them speak for themselves right I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? "Congratulations on your new baby." How bout "congratulations on your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out, nice knowing ya." How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this ones going. Yup "Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help
Rachel Hansen: Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again.
Tom: She took a giant shit on my face. Literally. Alison: Literally? Tom: Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency. Summer: I know. Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently. Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.
Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband. Tom: Yeah. And... so? Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right. Tom: No. Summer: Yeah, I did. [laughs] Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.
Narrator: Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life.
Tom: It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything.
Paul: Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.
Tom: Darling... [Summer looks up at him] Tom: I don't know how to tell you this, but... there's a Chinese family in our bathroom.
Tom: You don't want to be named as anybody's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife?
Summer: We're just fr... Tom: [Interrupting] No! Don't pull that with me! This is not how you treat your friend! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!
Summer: [Tom is listening to headphones in an elevator with Summer. She notices the music] I love the Smiths. Tom: Sorry? Summer: I said I love the Smiths. Summer: [they stare at each other for a moment] You... You have good taste in music. Tom: [repeating after her] You... like the Smiths? Summer: [singing] To die by your side, such a heavenly way to die. [speaking] Summer: I love em. Tom: [elevator stops, Summer leaves while Tom remains dumbfounded] Holy shit.
Tom: My name's Tom. Girl at Interview: [shaking hands] Nice to meet you. I'm Autumn.
Tom: Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot.
Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out? Summer: What always happens. Life.
Tom: What happens if you fall in love? Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you? Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.
Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything. Summer: I've never told anybody that before. Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.
Tom: Nobody loves Ringo Starr. Summer: That's what I love about him.
Tom: [Montage of Summer] I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs. [Fade to black as Swayze's "She's Like the Wind" plays briefly] Tom: I HATE THIS SONG! Bus Driver: [Open to Tom standing while bus comes to a sudden stop] Son, you need to get off the bus.
Girl at Interview: Have I seen you before? Tom: Me? I don't think so. Girl at Interview: Do you ever go to Angela's Plaza? Tom: Yes... That's like my favorite spot in the city. Girl at Interview: Yeah, except for the parking lots. Tom: Yeah, yeah I agree. Girl at Interview: Yeah, yeah I think I've seen you there. Tom: Really? Girl at Interview: Yeah... Tom: I haven't seen you? Girl at Interview: You must not have been looking... Tom: ...
Rachel Hansen: Better that you find this out now before you come home and find her in bed with Lars from Norway. Tom: Who's Lars from Norway? Rachel Hansen: Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.
Summer: You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.
Summer: I named my cat after Springsteen. Tom: Cool... what was his name? Summer: Bruce.
Narrator: Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday.
Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now. Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious. Summer: No I'm Sid. Tom: Oh, so I'm Nancy... [Pancakes arrive] Summer: Let's just eat and we'll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I'm really glad we did this. I love these pancakes... what? [Tom gets up and walks away from the table] Summer: Tom, don't go! You're still my best friend!
Narrator: There's only two kinds of people in the world. There's women, and there's men. Summer Finn was a woman.
Tom: It's official. I'm in love with Summer. [while Montage of Summer plays] Tom: I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.
Narrator: The quote in Summer Finns Yearbook was a line from one her favorite bands, Belle and Sebastian. It reads "Color my life with the chaos of trouble."
Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do? Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards. Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be. Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other? Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card.
Tom: People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths.
Vance: Misery, sadness, loss of faith, no reason to live... This is perfect for you.
Summer: All we ever do is argue! Tom: That is bullshit!
McKenzie: Love... shit, I don't know. As long as she's cute and she's willing, right? [Turns serious] McKenzie: I'm flexible on the cute.
Narrator: For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of casual - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world... a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else.
Summer: There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy...
Narrator: Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time his expectations would align with reality...
Rachel Hansen: PMS? Tom: What do you know about PMS? Rachel Hansen: More than you, Tom.
Tom: This is lies. We are liars. Think about it. Why do people buy cards? It's not because they want to say how they feel. People buy cards because they can't say they feel or are afraid to. And we provide the service that let's them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. Or at least let them speak for themselves. Right?
Rachel Hansen: You know, my friends are all in love with you. You know, it's like we said. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Tom: [Looks at a group of twelve year old girls who wave at him and giggle] Thanks. But, uh, those are guppies. Rachel Hansen: [Chuckles] Yeah.
Summer: You guys need anything? Tom: [provocatively] Oh, I think you know what I need. Summer: [looks at Tom, quizzically] Tom: [quietly] Some toner.
Tom: Paul, seriously... Paul: Did you bang her? Tom: No. Paul: What, hum job? Hand job? Tom: Man, no. No jobs. I'm still unemployed. We - we kissed.
Tom: [the girl at the job interview agrees to meet Tom for coffee afterward] We'll figure it out. My name's Tom. Girl at Interview: [Last lines of the film] Nice to meet you. [Shakes his hand] Girl at Interview: I'm Autumn. [Tom looks at the camera in amazement. Film cuts to a title card with a "1" indicating the first day of Tom's relationship with Autumn]
Tom: That was actually my nickname in college. They called me "Perfectly Adequate" Hanson. [Starts to take a drink of wine] Summer: They used to call me "Anal Girl". [Tom nearly gags on his drink from that and looks at her like "What?"] Summer: I was very neat and organized.
Vance: [talking to camera] I've been happily married for 30 years. She's the light that guides me home. [pause] Vance: Yes, it is from one of our cards. [pause] Vance: No, someone else wrote it. Doesn't make it less true.
Rachel Hansen: Look, I know you think that she was the one, but I don't. No, I think you're just remembering the good stuff, next time you look back, I, uh, I think you should look again.
Tom: People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel, or they're afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook.
Tom: Hey, Summer. Summer: Hi. Tom: How was your weekend? Summer: It was *good*.
McKenzie: Hey, don't you have like 20 cards to write by Friday? Tom: Nope, all done. McKenzie: Really? Well, could you help me with mine? Because I'm running out of ways to say "Congratulations". So far, I've got: "Congrats", "Good job" and "Well done". Tom: Hmmm. How about..."Every day you make me proud. But today you get a card." McKenzie: Shit, that's good! Tom: I know.
McKenzie: Hey, maybe you should write a book. Tom: What? McKenzie: Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature. Tom: That guy had a lot more sex than me.
Rachel Hansen: Quit being a pussy.
Vance: Misery. Sadness. Loss of Faith. No reason to Live... This is perfect for you.
Tom: It pains me that we live in a world where nobody's heard of Spearmint.
Paul: [Opens the door to Tom's apartment] We didn't know who to call. McKenzie: It's Amanda Heller all over again. Rachel Hansen: You did the right thing.
Tom: [split screen scene on the train about Millie's wedding] Yeah but you said you were going that's why I'm going. McKenzie: And that's why I called her last night and told her I was sick, like a ninja.
McKenzie: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Summer: The lady dothn't. There's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy. Tom: Well, I think you're wrong. Summer: Okay. Well... What is it that I'm missing then? Tom: I think you know it when you feel it. Summer: I guess we can just agree to disagree.