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A working class bigot constantly squabbles with his family over the important issues of the day.
Mike Stivic: I just thank God I'm an atheist.
Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture. [Shows him the art exhibit book] Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit. Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist. Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book. Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries. Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier? Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier. Archie Bunker: Then do that.
Mike Stivic: Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese? Archie Bunker: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara". Mike Stivic: That's Japanese. Archie Bunker: Same thing. Mike Stivic: It's not the same thing! Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which? Mike Stivic: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals. Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?" Mike Stivic: [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!
[repeated line] Archie Bunker: Get out of my chair, Meathead!
Archie: Where's my grandson? Mike Stivic: He's asleep. Archie: Well wake him up. Mike Stivic: He's tired. Archie: But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.
Edith Bunker: What are you fighting about? Mike Stivic: The Star-Spangled Banner. Edith Bunker: Did the singer forget the words again?
Mike Stivic: What were you saying about colored families having no love? Archie Bunker: Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?
Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work. Archie Bunker: Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.
Gloria: You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy. Archie: Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal.
Gloria: Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns? Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
Archie Bunker: Go out and get me a beer. Edith: Can or bottle? Archie: We never buy bottles.
Archie Bunker: His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.
[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right] Archie: What are you doing? Edith: I thought you might like it on this side for a change. Archie: Is it gonna taste better on this side?
[repeated line] Archie Bunker: You know somethin', Edith? You're a pip. You know that? A real pip.
[repeated line] Archie Bunker: Case CLOSED!
Edith Bunker: Mike is family. Archie Bunker: Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage.
Archie Bunker: I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty.
Gloria: Oh, Daddy. You'd put ketchup on a doughnut. Archie Bunker: If it needed it.
Archie Bunker: Say there, Rosemarie. Stephanie: Stephanie. Archie Bunker: Whatever.
Edith Bunker: Remember Sister Kate, Archie? Archie Bunker: That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein.
George Jefferson: If he's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.
Archie: God created the universe in seven days. Edith: Six days. On the seventh day he rested. Archie: Well only for a while then He looked over what He done.
[Door bell rings] Edith Bunker: [Running] I'll get it! Archie Bunker: Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings?
Archie: You go off and leave me here with nobody home. Edith: Mike was here. Archie: Like I said, nobody was home.
[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store] Edith Bunker: It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.
Edith Bunker: Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks. Archie Bunker: Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven.
Archie Bunker: Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein.
Gloria Stivic: Hi Dad, where's Ma? Archie Bunker: I don't know, she flew out of here like a dingbat outta Hell.
Fred Bunker: [on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat? Harry Snowden: You know, you ought to try that. Archie Bunker: You think so? [on the phone with Edith] Archie Bunker: Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat? [pause] Archie Bunker: She hung up the phone.
Mike Stivic: I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage. Archie: Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table.
Edith Bunker: Don't ya like me bringin' home surprises? Archie Bunker: Geez, Edith... with you a surprise could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
[repeated line] Archie Bunker: Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!
[repeated line] Archie Bunker: Get away from me!
Mike Stivic: Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Archie Bunker: If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?
Edith: Why don't you go out and finish dinner. Mike Stivic: Nah, I ain't hungry. Edith: Ya can't depend on nothing no more.
Archie Bunker: You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.
Archie Bunker: She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.
Edith Bunker: [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out? Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin' the house? Edith Bunker: You've been in there for 20 minutes. Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper? Edith Bunker: What are ya doin' in there? Archie Bunker: I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!
[repeated line] Archie: Button your face.
Archie Bunker: God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!
Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
Archie Bunker: A man should always listen to his wife. Edith Bunker: Archie, I... Archie Bunker: Dummy up.
Archie Bunker: I got bigger fish to fly.
Archie Bunker: We was like two ships that clashed in the night.
Edith Bunker: We should take you to the doctor. Archie Bunker: No, I've already had one attempted robbery today.
Mike Stivic: You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out. Archie Bunker: I don't care.
Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible. Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
Archie Bunker: You gotta grab the bull by the corns.
Archie: Your honor, may I encroach the bench?
Archie Bunker: You'd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. You're getting a cavity in your brain.
Archie Bunker: What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.
Archie Bunker: [commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.
Archie Bunker: Silence is golden, so stifle thy self.
Edith Bunker: I'm home. I'm home, Archie. Archie Bunker: Are you sure?
Archie Bunker: Like the Good Book says, "Let him who is without sin... be the rollin' stone."
Mike Stivic: That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more! Archie Bunker: Can I ask *you* a question? Mike Stivic: Sure. Archie Bunker: Why don't you shut up?
Archie Bunker: Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.
Gloria Stivic: Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke be alive if he threw himself on a grenade? Archie Bunker: 'Cause it was an Italian grenade. It was a dud like everything else them Pasta-Fazoos made.
Archie Bunker: In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part.
Archie: Free treatment for VD. VD. Do you know what *that* means, Edith? Edith: oh, yeah. V-D day.
Archie Bunker: [telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palestine army.
Archie Bunker: God don't make no mistakes, that's how He got to be God.
Archie Bunker: You're a regular Edgar Allen Polack.
Edith: What has four legs, and flys? Archie Bunker: Two pairs of pants!
Mike Stivic: You can't do that, Archie! That's largesse! Archie Bunker: I don't care if it's largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse!