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This Spinoff of The Practice will focus on Civil Law.
Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair. Lester Tremont: That's three things. Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
Denny Crane: [repeated throughout series] Denny Crane...
Alan Shore: Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."
Alan Shore: [to Tara] Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up. [notices Joe] Alan Shore: Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds. Joe: You got a problem? Alan Shore: No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate. Joe: Here's a health tip. Walk away. Alan Shore: Why would I do that? Tara Wilson: All right, guys. Alan Shore: Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance. Tara Wilson: Excuse me. I actually am with him. Joe: I don't care. Walk away, or I lay you out. Alan Shore: I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out? [Joe punches Alan] Tara Wilson: Hey! Joe: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet... Alan Shore: I see. Allow me to reach for mine. [walks away to the other end of the bar] Tara Wilson: Are you all right? Alan Shore: Fine. [to Mike and friends] Alan Shore: Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there? Mike: [laughs incredulously] Really? Tara Wilson: Alan! Alan Shore: There's an extra hundred if he goes down. Mike: You're on. Alan Shore: Make it a good one. Tara Wilson: Oh, for God's sakes. Alan Shore: [Mike hits Joe; fistfight ensues. Alan gives money to Mike's friend] Here's a hundred; go help your friend. Alan Shore: [watches the fighting] Gee, seems Joe has buddies. [passing out money to Mike's friends] Alan Shore: One for you, one for you. I've got plenty of them. Hit him hard, now. For you, and for you...
Denny Crane: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA? Mark Harrison: Yes. Denny Crane: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects? Mark Harrison: Yes. Denny Crane: You were fully informed. Mark Harrison: I was. Denny Crane: You consented. Mark Harrison: I did. Denny Crane: Take it again? Mark Harrison: Absolutely. Denny Crane: Like the doctor? Mark Harrison: Love him. Denny Crane: How's your memory? Mark Harrison: My memory's fine. Denny Crane: What's my name? Mark Harrison: Denny Crane. Denny Crane: Like you mean it! Mark Harrison: Denny Crane! Denny Crane: What's my name? Mark Harrison: [shouts] Denny Crane! Denny Crane: No further questions.
Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
Denny Crane: [walking through a crowd of reporters] dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented.
Denny Crane: I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.
Brad Chase: I outrank you. Alan Shore: And I'm such a slut for authority.
Judge Harry Hingham: Alright already, I've heard enough. I'm going to rule on this. Alan Shore: You can't rule yet! Judge Harry Hingham: Why not? Alan Shore: I don't know.
Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary! Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
Judge Harry Hingham: A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals? Alan Shore: [mockingly] I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay".
Alan Shore: [referring to a book about parasites found on salmon] This book, "A Stain Upon The Sea" it's all about these sea lice. Denny Crane: Interesting. Alan Shore: They call them cling ons. Denny Crane: Did you say Klingons?
Denny Crane: You're one of those environmental lawyers? Peter Barrett: Is there something wrong with that? Denny Crane: They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment. Alan Shore: All reality, none of it scripted.
Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
Donny Crane: He's mocking me... Dad, he's mocking me! Denny Crane: You're a Crane. Get used to it.
Denny Crane: Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?
Alan Shore: You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them. [indicates to Denny Crane] Alan Shore: This man here would fire me if I didn't. Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Alan Shore: [overhearing two co-workers having an argument] You two have had sex!
Denny Crane: I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have. Alan Shore: No it isn't. Denny Crane: What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me. Alan Shore: I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you however.
Alan Shore: Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.
Alan Shore: Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there? Shirley Schmidt: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied. Denny Crane: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
Denny Crane: I can act... I have an Emmy.
Denny Crane: May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.
Denny Crane: Massachusetts is a blue state. God has no place here.
Sally Heep: Is that fair? Alan Shore: I don't understand the question.
Denny Crane: Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.
Alan Shore: [addressing a Canadian court] Oh, yes, mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words. Denny Crane: Denny Crane, eh?
Denny Crane: [talking to Alan on the balcony] The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.
Denny Crane: [to Alan about the riot on television] 100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts! And you kept them all to yourself.
Alan Shore: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity. Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul. Alan Shore: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it." Denny Crane: Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican. Alan Shore: I want a kindler and gentler nation.
Denny Crane: [several lawyers from the firm are squeezing past a throng of reporters] Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids... Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.
Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick... Alan Shore: [buts in] And subtle! Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the Hell are you? Al Sharpton: [Continues without pause] ... The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will! Alan Shore: [whispers to Sharpton] Gay, not black. Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap? Judge Harry Hingham: [Interrupts] Who is this man? Al Sharpton: [Continues without stopping] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty! Alan Shore: And cut! [Applause ensues]
Lori Colson: Hi. I'm Lori Colson; we haven't officially met. Catherine Piper: Hello, dear. Catherine Piper. Lori Colson: For the future... I don't really appreciate comments about my hair. Catherine Piper: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
Denny Crane: How can you ban red meat? Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world. Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians. Dominick Ryan: [Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do? Shirley Schmidt: We'll get an immediate TRO. Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard. Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
[both with a cigar in an ear] Denny Crane: We look good together. Alan Shore: Yes, we do.
Denny Crane: It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.
[Denny, Tara, and Lori in Denny's office as Denny loads a rifle, preparing to save Alan from a gunman holding him hostage just outside of Denny's office door] Denny Crane: It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door. Tara Wilson: You're insane! Denny Crane: Pull! [Tara opens the door; Denny fires]
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane. Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane. Denny Crane: Are you making fun of me?
Denny Crane: It's fun being me! [after thoughtful pause] Denny Crane: Is it fun being you? Alan Shore: Most of the time.
Alan Shore: [listening to the news on TV at the office] That's Bernie! Tara Wilson: Who? Alan Shore: The little skillet-welding client from last week, he's whacked another one. He promised me he wouldn't. [knocks on Bernard Ferrion's front door repeatedly] Bernard Ferrion: [open's door] Alan. Alan Shore: [walks inside] What have you done now? Bernard Ferrion: There's a awful lot of excitement. Alan Shore: I saw, both live and on the news. You've been flaying again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard? Bernard Ferrion: I never meant for it to happen. Alan Shore: I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful - poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again. Bernard Ferrion: I never meant to kill her! Alan Shore: Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?
Catherine Piper: I've been Schmidt-canned!
Alan Shore: Denny, I'm going to miss you. Denny Crane: I'm not going anywhere! Alan Shore: I've been married; of course you are.
Judge Sean O'Byrne: I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment. Denny Crane: Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.
Alan Shore: Hate to extort and run.
Denny Crane: [walking in on Alan Shore and Shirley Schmidt in the men's room] If she tries to pee standing up, come get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Denny Crane: Lock and load!
Shirley Schmidt: He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially. Lori Colson: I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. [Lori walks away] Shirley Schmidt: You little bitch.
Guantanamo Marine General: [is being questioned at trial, mutters under breath about Alan] Snide-ass. Alan Shore: Your Honor, I move to strike. He's never seen my ass.
Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes. Denny Crane: So basically you're a sicko. Gil Furnald: I'm not sick. Denny Crane: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying? Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay. Denny Crane: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Alan Shore: Sally. [Sally turns to look at Shore] Alan Shore: Could I trouble you to do a quick background check? I realize we haven't spoken much since we stopped having sex, and frankly I'm dismayed by that. But, what I need to know is everything you can find out about my new client... .
Alan Shore: What's your specialty? Dr. Allen Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone. Alan Shore: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
Shirley Schmidt: Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him. Denny Crane: [incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?
Alan Shore: You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." [Melvin looks startled] Alan Shore: Until then! Attorney Melvin Palmer: Oh! [he starts to laugh] Attorney Melvin Palmer: You. You dog. [he leaves] Attorney Melvin Palmer: Ah...
Catherine Piper: Cookies, everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning. Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman? Catherine Piper: Take two, Tara, you're a rail. Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman? Catherine Piper: The ones on the left have a little bran to help our older lawyers with their routine. Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman? Catherine Piper: I'm Catherine Piper. I'm Alan's new assistant. My, don't you have an interesting face. Paul Lewiston: We are in the middle of a staff meeting. Catherine Piper: No need to be snippy, dear. Especially since I come bearing treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. [to Lori] Catherine Piper: You certainly made one... with all that bleach. Paul Lewiston: Ma'am, you will have to leave. Catherine Piper: I'm beginning to not like you.
Shirley Schmidt: [Seeing Judge Brown coming in the courtroom] My god, he got a bigger gavel.
Denny Crane: Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic. Alan Shore: [deadpan] I'm stunned.
Alan Shore: Denny, I refuse to shoot you. Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?" Alan Shore: "Where would we be..."
Denny Crane: TiVo me, will ya?
Denny Crane: [Denny is guarding Alan from his night terrors so he is sleeping in the bed with him] [in his sleep] Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Alan Shore: [Alan gets out of bed and stumbles. He has a rope tied around his leg; the other end is tied to Denny. Alan tries to get up and stumbles again. He tugs on the rope] Hey! Hey! Denny Crane: What the hell do you... Alan Shore: Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom. Denny Crane: Untie the knot. [turns over] Alan Shore: It takes too long. Let's just... get up! Denny Crane: I'm not getting up! Alan Shore: It'll take two seconds. [he tugs the rope] Denny Crane: It's the middle of the night! Alan Shore: Just get up! Denny Crane: I'm not gonna get up. Alan Shore: Dammit! Get up! [he tugs violently at the rope. Denny is pulled from the bed to the floor] Alan Shore: Happy? [stands up] Denny Crane: [Denny pulls the rope and Alan falls on top of him. They lie there, face to face] This isn't working for me.