Last Vegas

Last Vegas Quotes

Three friends take a break from their day-to-day lives to throw a bachelor party in Las Vegas for their last remaining single pal.

Archie: Boy these vodka Red Bulls are strange. I feel like I'm getting drunk and electrocuted at the same time! The music, it's loud! It's like everything sounds alike, like they're playing the same song over and over and over again. I probably should get up and dance but I'm used to having a partner. It doesn't seem to matter to that fella. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Maybe not. I hope they play something different. Maybe now.
Sam: The thing is... It's crazy, but whenever something spectacular happens to me, the first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it. And, after 40 years of marriage, if I can't tell her about something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful.
Hot Waitress: Do you guys have drugs?
Sam: Does Lipitor count?
Billy: I'm old. You know? And without her, I'm just scared of being old.
[sighs]
Billy: We were 17, you now, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is.
Billy: I'm getting married.
Archie: What?
Sam: Wow!
Archie: To that young lady who's half your age?
Billy: She's almost 32.
Archie: Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32!
Billy: Look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be...
Archie: Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.
Diana: That's a generous offer. Are you good in bed, Sam?
Sam: I don't remember.
Sam: [upon seeing Billy] Where did you get the extra hair?
Archie: His ass.
Billy: Why every time the phone rings you think somebody is dying.
Sam: I live in Florida now, usually when the phone rings somebody IS dying.
Archie: I'm gonna find some damn water and take all my damn pills and get this party started.
[first lines]
Young Sam: No one calls us names except us.
Young Billy: This fight us gonna make us legends.
Young Billy: Run!
Paddy: [Knock on the door] What? Go away, I got a bat.
Elizabeth: It's Elizabeth, your neighbour. I brought you soup.
Paddy: That's why I have the bat.
Paddy: If you think I'm leaving this apartment, you're dumber than that hat.
Dean: Please, sir. How can I make it up to you?
Paddy: Get us some ice waters. Maybe later we'll find you other stuff to do.
Sam: Yeah, maybe later Knuckles here will let you wash his balls!
Sam: [beat] Oooh. Sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?
Dean: Four Ice Waters?
Paddy: [Paddy glares] GO!
Dean: Right away, sir.
Billy: [making an announcement] On behalf of Binion's, I'd like to apologize for the delay in the show, but, um, I'm really interested in the performer. She's the most amazing woman I ever met. And I just can't believe in two days that she's, you know, inside my heart.
Billy: [whispering now to the audience] But I don't want her to know, because, you know, with gorgeous women, they like men that like to play hard-to-get.
Archie: We're all here to celebrate Billy marrying an infant.
Billy: She's not an infant.
[Paddy just knocked Dean to the ground]
Paddy: NO ONE calls us names except US!
Diana: You know, you are not as charming as you think you are.
Billy: Well, no one could be, quite frankly.
[Dean has been led to believe the Flatbush Four are mafioso]
Dean: I'm very sorry, sir.
Paddy: Shut up, Dickhead! You think we give a shit about your sorries! Don't you know you're messing with Billy Bones, Archie Aces, Sammy the... the...
Sam: the Accountant!
Paddy: Yeah.
Sam: Sammy the Stove! They call me that because I *cook the books*!
Sam: [to Dean] You breathe a WORD about us to the Feds, we will *hunt you down*!
[Archie nods, Paddy shakes a fist]
Dean: Hey, pal, if I want your opinion, I'll just beat it out of you, all right?
Billy: Welcome to Las Vegas!
Paddy: Relax, Gershon, it's not like you invented it.

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