MADtv Quotes

Late night sketch-comedy show based on the humor of MAD magazine. Material includes impersonations, fake commercials, mock movie trailers, and even Spy vs. Spy segments. Competes against ... See full summary »

Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
Stuart Larkin: The waiter's face looked weird!
Doreen Larkin: Well, that's because he's Asian...
Stuart Larkin: [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?

Stuart Larkin: Where did his eyes go?
Doreen Larkin: Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
Stuart Larkin: They look like this!
[takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
Doreen Larkin: Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
Stuart Larkin: I don't have a lazy eye!
Doreen Larkin: Ohh! Yes you do!
Stuart Larkin: Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
Doreen Larkin: STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?

Lorraine Swanson: Goddddddd, that's cute.

Doreen Larkin: Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee.

Stuart Larkin: Dooooooon't.

Salesman: [to female co-worker] Haha, take it like a man.
Ms. Swan: [to same woman] Yeah, you look like you take it like a man.

Lorraine Swanson: [coughing noise] Uh-uh-uh.

Doreen Larkin: What do you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin: A Happy Meal!
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
Doreen Larkin: STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
Doreen Larkin: [nods] That's righ-
[stands up]
Doreen Larkin: Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
Stuart Larkin: [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
Doreen Larkin: Oh! Okay...
Stuart Larkin: The French are smelly and can't fight...

Ms. Swan: He look-a like-a man.

Doreen Larkin: Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.

Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.

Stuart Larkin: Stay away from my Danger Zone!

Dot: I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like - seven or ten!

Dale: Carol Finney! Tell us something about yourself, and *not* something I've already said!
Carol: Well, I like to roll nickels... I have a windmill magnet collection... my daughter's my best friend.
Dale: Well I hope your husband is a close second!
Carol: Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels!

Spishak Spokesman: How many times has this happened to you?

Joe Namath: Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday.

Police Officer: Year and make of the car, please.
Driver: It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer.

Bunifa Jackson: [in an Antiques Roadshow parody, after being told her plate is worth $6] Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then.
Appraiser: I'm not interested in buying it.
Bunifa Jackson: No, no it's okay, I'll take the six.
Appraiser: No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer
Bunifa Jackson: Then why you offer me $6?
Appraiser: No, I didn't.
Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did!
Appraiser: No I didn't.
Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did! Yes you did! Yes you did! Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar! She just called me a liar! I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch!
Appraiser: Ma'am I did not call you any of those names.
Bunifa Jackson: So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf! I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate!

Antonia: [Responding to any question] I have a cat named Cece.

Chuck: Have you ever been arrested?
Trina: Well...
Chuck: Well what?
Trina: Well, last March my cousin accused me of stealing her baby. I just wanted to hold it, for a few days, in Mexico, rename it, cut and dye its hair, tattoo things on its pretty little toes. It was all just a huge mistake

Destiny: [Pretty White Kids with Problems] Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you!
[music comes to a halt]
Destiny: Even though we are the same age...
Tad: That's right. We're both fifteen.
Destiny: [adding emphasis] That's right.

Stuart Larkin: Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?
Various: His what?
Stuart Larkin: His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.
Various: I'm sorry, I don't understand...
Doreen Larkin: Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!

Ms. Swan: [everyone dances to Dancing Queen, and everything freezes] What the hell?

Stuart Larkin: Look what I can do!

Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.

Vancome Lady: Shaaa... You know what?

Vancome Lady: [to a white tricker-or-treater dressed as a hooded ghost] Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention.
Vancome Lady: [to a black tricker-or-treater dressed as a jailbird] Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack.

Simon Cowell: [to Micheal Jackson on All-Star American Idol] Jacko, freak of nature... yes. Pedofile... yes. She-male... yes.
[pause]
Simon Cowell: American Idol, no.

Rosa Parks: What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses! It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people!" See...
[turns around]
Rosa Parks: We've got TWO asses!

Dot: Look how little my gloves are!

Marvin Tikvah: Shelly.
Shelly: What?
Marvin Tikvah: [lowering voice] Shelly.
[pauses and takes a drink]
Marvin Tikvah: C'MON.

Will Sasso: So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?
Laurence Fishburne: You are.

Jessica Simpson: Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from.

Eve: [competing on Hollywood Squares] If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f***in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?

[at a Disney party making Disney jokes]
Bambi: OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting.

Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.

Dr. Phil: [while stuffing his maid's face with cake] You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have.
Dr. Phil: [looks into the camera] What the frick? Is that a camera?
[draws a gun and shoots the camera]

Dollar Bill Montgomery: We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch.
Rogaine Washington: Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid.

Jessica Simpson: Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''.

Doreen Larkin: [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin: A happy meal.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.

[the Terminator has been sent back in time to protect Jesus]
Jesus: Look, you can't go around killing people all the time.
Terminator: Why?
Jesus: You just can't.
Terminator: Why?
Jesus: Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future.

Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?
Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.

[while on the show "Malcolm X in the Middle"]
Malcolm X: You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people.

Nurse: [Vancome Lady is in a coma] It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off.
Vancome Lady: [thinking] Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf.

Drew Barrymore: I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love!
Drew Barrymore: Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready!
Drew Barrymore: [gasps] E.T.'s here?

Brenda: So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?
Stuart Larkin: Um-hum.
Brenda: Well, how does that makes you feel?
Stuart Larkin: [suspiciously] Why?
Brenda: Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you... You know, sweetie, it's not your fault.
Stuart Larkin: [pushes Brenda off the couch with his feet] Aaaaahhh!
Brenda: Stuart, that was not very nice.
Stuart Larkin: [reaching out his foot towards Brenda] Say that into the microphone!
Brenda: If I do, will we be friends?
Stuart Larkin: [putting his foot in front of his mouth, sing-songy] I don't know.
Brenda: Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine.

Mr. Swan: Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me!

Piano Teacher: Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?
Stuart Larkin: Hm hmm.
Piano Teacher: You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?
Stuart Larkin: [evil voice] If I said I did it, I did it!

Cloret: Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?
Countess Vaughn: It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN.
Cloret: You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you.

Cosby: If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person.

[while roller-blading]
Lida: Lee-Lee, your hands are on my tetas.
Melina: Stupid, if I let go of your tetas, you gonna fall.
Lida: Ok, you can keep 'em there.
[under her breath]
Lida: Lesbiana...

Lorraine Swanson: Serpentine.

Police Officer: Was he a black man or a white man?
Ms. Swan: You know... black-a like you, black-a like me.

Bob Dole: Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked.

Edward: I don't get it!

[filming the Blair Witch report]
Diane Sawyer: I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me.
[off in the distance]
Ted Koppel: I'm Ted Koppel.

Nautica Brown: And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind... My Ass! Hollywood... and the White Man's Lies".
Dollar Bill Montgomery: Damn, that's an angry bitch.

[at a Jamba Juice-like store]
Customer: I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did.
Cloret: And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice.

Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about swearing?
Stuart Larkin: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.

Connie Chung: You were great in "Chicago".
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you, that means a lot.
Connie Chung: I know what "thank you" means.

Girl in Tow Truck: I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family.
Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Then you are stupid.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okay, I tell you everything.

Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.

DMV Worker: Now turn and face the camera.
Ms. Swan: Live from New York...
DMV Worker: No! That's the wrong show.

Anna Nicole Smith: [in reference to her chest] Do you like Mama's meatbags baby?
Anna's Son: Mom?
Anna Nicole Smith: You get old enough I'm gonna letcha touch em'

Steven Cragg: Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season! Yeah! Honk your horn! Hey I got a question, who the fuck is Rodney Carrington?

Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.

Mrs. Curtis: Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass!

[in a remake of the Helen Keller movie]
Helen's Caretaker: Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf.

Dot: My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume.

Stuart Larkin: Let me do it.

Dr. Kylie: If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader.

Dixie Wetsworth: You like? I like!

Various: [to the camera] I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends.

Stuart Larkin: My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.

Abercrombie Guy 1: So what'd you guys do last night?
Abercrombie Guy 2: Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight.
Abercrombie Guy 3: Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together.
Abercrombie Guy 1: I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs.

Doreen Larkin: Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.
Stuart Larkin: Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.

Simon Cowell: You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster...
[pause]
Simon Cowell: ... pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me!

Fantana 1: It's so hot...
Fantana 2: And hard to think!
Fantana 3: Don't you want a Fanta?

Man: [a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
Stuart Larkin: [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.

Various: Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''.

Ricky Martin: Ask me how I feel, come on, ask me how I feel.
Security Guard: [imitating Ricky] Okay, how do you feel?
Ricky Martin: I feel crazy, man!

Mrs. Campbell: Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun!
Man: Lady, I didn't do it on purpose.
Mrs. Campbell: You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question... do you have a television?
Man: Yes.
Mrs. Campbell: Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"...?

Various: Where are the strawberries?

Phil LaMarr: And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control.

Jovan Muskatelle: It was crazy as hell, man! Pandemonium 2004!

Dancer: Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo.
Bunifa Jackson: Well I'm not a ho, either!

Belma Buttons: Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot.
Tovah McQueen: God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky.

Announcer: [in the opening credits] It's Mad TV!

Connie Chung: I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games.

Mrs. Campbell: That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now... can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?
Daughter: Um, yes. Yes, he was.
Mrs. Campbell: Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now... can I ask you a question? Can your father read?
Daughter: Of course he can read!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box...

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