Weekend at Bernie's Quotes
A pair of losers try to pretend that their murdered employer is really alive, but the murderer is out to "finish him off".
Gwen Saunders: [whispering] Richard! Richard, there's a man... in his underwear... in your kitchen.
Richard Parker: [whispering] It's ok. He's with me. He's my, um... my butler.
Gwen Saunders: You have a butler?
Richard Parker: Yeah, it's okay, shh... he'll go away.
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: [walks back from the kitchen, spots Richard and Gwen on the couch] Oh. Oh! I didn't realize you had company. Good evening, young lady.
Richard Parker: That's all right, Monroe. Yes, would you just go lay out my blue pinstripe for the morning?
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: How about if I lay you out?
Richard Parker: Very well.
Richard Parker: [whispering] It's ok. He's with me. He's my, um... my butler.
Gwen Saunders: You have a butler?
Richard Parker: Yeah, it's okay, shh... he'll go away.
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: [walks back from the kitchen, spots Richard and Gwen on the couch] Oh. Oh! I didn't realize you had company. Good evening, young lady.
Richard Parker: That's all right, Monroe. Yes, would you just go lay out my blue pinstripe for the morning?
Jack Parker, Richard's Dad: How about if I lay you out?
Richard Parker: Very well.
Gwen Saunders: Richard, just tell me what is going on!
Larry Wilson: [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg] Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?
[throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase]
Larry Wilson: .
Gwen Saunders: [eyes as big as golf balls]
Larry Wilson: [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!
[bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing]
Gwen Saunders: [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal] Aaaaah! Aaaah!
Richard Parker: Gwen, we didn't do this to him!
[Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away]
Richard Parker: Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?
Larry Wilson: [handing Gwen a drink] Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!
Richard Parker: Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?
Larry Wilson: [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg] Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?
[throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase]
Larry Wilson: .
Gwen Saunders: [eyes as big as golf balls]
Larry Wilson: [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!
[bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing]
Gwen Saunders: [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal] Aaaaah! Aaaah!
Richard Parker: Gwen, we didn't do this to him!
[Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away]
Richard Parker: Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?
Larry Wilson: [handing Gwen a drink] Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!
Richard Parker: Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?
Larry Wilson: [at the office on a hot Sunday] Let's go to the beach.
Richard Parker: No.
Larry Wilson: We're gonna be here our whole lives.
Richard Parker: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Larry Wilson: [grabs Richard's papers] I'm going to the beach.
Richard Parker: What are you doing-What are you doing? Gimme those papers.
Larry Wilson: These papers are going to the beach!
Richard Parker: We are not going to the beach.
Larry Wilson: Want these? They're coming to the beach.
Richard Parker: [mumbles] Yes, we're going to the beach.
Larry Wilson: Wilson at the five! Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!
[Richard chases Larry, who runs for the elevator]
Richard Parker: [yells] Gimme those papers!
Richard Parker: No.
Larry Wilson: We're gonna be here our whole lives.
Richard Parker: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Larry Wilson: [grabs Richard's papers] I'm going to the beach.
Richard Parker: What are you doing-What are you doing? Gimme those papers.
Larry Wilson: These papers are going to the beach!
Richard Parker: We are not going to the beach.
Larry Wilson: Want these? They're coming to the beach.
Richard Parker: [mumbles] Yes, we're going to the beach.
Larry Wilson: Wilson at the five! Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!
[Richard chases Larry, who runs for the elevator]
Richard Parker: [yells] Gimme those papers!
Richard Parker: [at Bernie's beach house] Now all of this could be yours, Lar, if you set your goals and work hard.
Larry Wilson: My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work. Ah!
Tawny: [appears in a bikini] Bernie?
[to Larry & Richard]
Tawny: Hi! Is Bernie around?
Larry Wilson: Hello. No, we haven't seen him, but we just got here. We're gonna be here all weekend. We're house-guests.
Tawny: [grabs the keys to Bernie's boat] Well, tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.
Larry Wilson: Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.
Tawny: Oh, Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?
Richard Parker: Okay.
Richard Parker: Uh, Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would ya?
Tawny: Oh, he's probably making the rounds. Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here sooner or later. Bye!
[Tawny runs off]
Larry Wilson: And you didn't wanna come.
Richard Parker: I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.
Larry Wilson: My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work. Ah!
Tawny: [appears in a bikini] Bernie?
[to Larry & Richard]
Tawny: Hi! Is Bernie around?
Larry Wilson: Hello. No, we haven't seen him, but we just got here. We're gonna be here all weekend. We're house-guests.
Tawny: [grabs the keys to Bernie's boat] Well, tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.
Larry Wilson: Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.
Tawny: Oh, Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?
Richard Parker: Okay.
Richard Parker: Uh, Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would ya?
Tawny: Oh, he's probably making the rounds. Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here sooner or later. Bye!
[Tawny runs off]
Larry Wilson: And you didn't wanna come.
Richard Parker: I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.
Tawny: [Richard and Larry are in Bernie's living room discussing what they should do about the body. A buxomy blonde enters from the patio wearing a thong bikini and sunglasses] Hi, guys! I'm Tawny! Bernie said I could borrow his boat for the day; I've come to get the keys.
Larry Wilson: Hi Tawny! I'm horny!
Larry Wilson: Hi Tawny! I'm horny!
[Bernie has just finished typing up the ransom note intended for Richard and Larry's "big fall"]
Bernie Lomax: [chuckles] Oh, this is good. This is very good.
[puts the note in a suitcase, then gets up and abruptly sees Paulie behind him; freaks out]
Bernie Lomax: Ah! Oh, I didn't hear you come in.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: I know. I'm real good at that.
Bernie Lomax: I told ya the guys aren't here yet, did I?
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: [nods head] It's quite a shack you got here.
Bernie Lomax: Well, it's home.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Ooh, can I have a cigarette?
Bernie Lomax: Hmm?
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Cigarette.
Bernie Lomax: [last words] Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
[Bernie bends over to get the cigarettes, but Paulie injects a fatal overdose of heroin in his buttocks]
Bernie Lomax: Ow! Oh, what was th -
[succumbs to the heroin]
Bernie Lomax: Ooh! Ooh, ooh, oooh.
[Bernie slumps back into his desk chair, now dead. Paulie releases the needle from his buttocks]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Quite a ride, huh, Bern?
Bernie Lomax: [chuckles] Oh, this is good. This is very good.
[puts the note in a suitcase, then gets up and abruptly sees Paulie behind him; freaks out]
Bernie Lomax: Ah! Oh, I didn't hear you come in.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: I know. I'm real good at that.
Bernie Lomax: I told ya the guys aren't here yet, did I?
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: [nods head] It's quite a shack you got here.
Bernie Lomax: Well, it's home.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Ooh, can I have a cigarette?
Bernie Lomax: Hmm?
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Cigarette.
Bernie Lomax: [last words] Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
[Bernie bends over to get the cigarettes, but Paulie injects a fatal overdose of heroin in his buttocks]
Bernie Lomax: Ow! Oh, what was th -
[succumbs to the heroin]
Bernie Lomax: Ooh! Ooh, ooh, oooh.
[Bernie slumps back into his desk chair, now dead. Paulie releases the needle from his buttocks]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: Quite a ride, huh, Bern?
[the first "killer" enters opens the front door with Richard standing behind it with a fire log]
Beach Bum: You in here, Lomax, you little bastard?
[Richard swings, but misses when the bum turns his head]
Beach Bum: You jerk?
[He swings again, but misses again... ]
Beach Bum: Kick me in the ass. It's my turn now.
[... before finally whacking the bum's head, knocking him unconscious]
Richard Parker: Got him, Lar.
Beach Bum: You in here, Lomax, you little bastard?
[Richard swings, but misses when the bum turns his head]
Beach Bum: You jerk?
[He swings again, but misses again... ]
Beach Bum: Kick me in the ass. It's my turn now.
[... before finally whacking the bum's head, knocking him unconscious]
Richard Parker: Got him, Lar.
Richard Parker: This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."
Larry Wilson: What?
Richard Parker: That's what it says.
Larry Wilson: "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!
Richard Parker: Oh God.
Larry Wilson: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?
Richard Parker: It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.
Larry Wilson: Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!
Richard Parker: For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?
Larry Wilson: Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!
Larry Wilson: What?
Richard Parker: That's what it says.
Larry Wilson: "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!
Richard Parker: Oh God.
Larry Wilson: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?
Richard Parker: It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.
Larry Wilson: Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!
Richard Parker: For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?
Larry Wilson: Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!
Larry Wilson: [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie] Company...
Richard Parker: I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
Larry Wilson: [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!
[Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry. Gwen gasps as Paulie pulls the trigger, but the chamber is empty]
Larry Wilson: It's empty.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: That's right.
[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: But this ain't!
Richard Parker: I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
Larry Wilson: [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!
[Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry. Gwen gasps as Paulie pulls the trigger, but the chamber is empty]
Larry Wilson: It's empty.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: That's right.
[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: But this ain't!
Larry Wilson: And... I lose again.
Richard Parker: I won. Lar, I have a date.
Larry Wilson: You're kidding?
Richard Parker: No. Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00pm, dinner!
Larry Wilson: Fabulous!
[Larry high-fives Richard]
Richard Parker: It was the clumsy approach. It worked.
Larry Wilson: You're gonna wanna borrow my apartment.
Richard Parker: Oh no, but thank you. That's sweet, but I can't do that to you. Thank you.
Larry Wilson: Rich, if she finds out you live with your folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.
Richard Parker: Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I can't do that to you, Larry.
Larry Wilson: It's the coackroaches isn't it?
Richard Parker: Well...
Larry Wilson: They scatter when the light goes on.
Richard Parker: I won. Lar, I have a date.
Larry Wilson: You're kidding?
Richard Parker: No. Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00pm, dinner!
Larry Wilson: Fabulous!
[Larry high-fives Richard]
Richard Parker: It was the clumsy approach. It worked.
Larry Wilson: You're gonna wanna borrow my apartment.
Richard Parker: Oh no, but thank you. That's sweet, but I can't do that to you. Thank you.
Larry Wilson: Rich, if she finds out you live with your folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.
Richard Parker: Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I can't do that to you, Larry.
Larry Wilson: It's the coackroaches isn't it?
Richard Parker: Well...
Larry Wilson: They scatter when the light goes on.
