Black Christmas Quotes
An escaped maniac returns to his childhood home on Christmas Eve, which is now a sorority house, and begins to murder the sorority sisters one by one.
[after seeing a sex tape of Kyle cheating on her with Megan]
Kelli Presely: [crying] GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT! Am I going to show up on there? Isn't sex enough Kyle? You need a little visual trophies to get off.
Kyle: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Dana Mathis: Hey hey hey!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: No, Kyle! No!
[Lauren rushes to the bathroom and vomits]
Kyle: Kelli, I really like you, a lot. I don't blame you for hating me, but I wasn't dealing, I wasn't knocking over 7-11s. I didn't hurt anybody.
[begins to walk away]
Dana Mathis: Yeah, Merry Christmas, asshole.
Kyle: Fuck all you bitches.
Kelli Presely: [crying] GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT! Am I going to show up on there? Isn't sex enough Kyle? You need a little visual trophies to get off.
Kyle: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Dana Mathis: Hey hey hey!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: No, Kyle! No!
[Lauren rushes to the bathroom and vomits]
Kyle: Kelli, I really like you, a lot. I don't blame you for hating me, but I wasn't dealing, I wasn't knocking over 7-11s. I didn't hurt anybody.
[begins to walk away]
Dana Mathis: Yeah, Merry Christmas, asshole.
Kyle: Fuck all you bitches.
[phone rings]
Melissa Kitt: I got it.
[caller I.D. reads Megan Helms]
Melissa Kitt: Why is Megan calling here?
Melissa Kitt: [answers phone] Hey, where are you?
Billy Lenz: [eerily edited recordings, heavy breathing heard in background] Claire will you just answer me...
[muffled, echoed voice]
Billy Lenz: She's my family now... she's my family now...
[higher pitched]
Billy Lenz: Santa Claus...
[muffled voice again]
Billy Lenz: Why Santa? Fuck Santa! FUCK SANTA!
[hangs up phone]
Melissa Kitt: That was not Megan.
Melissa Kitt: I got it.
[caller I.D. reads Megan Helms]
Melissa Kitt: Why is Megan calling here?
Melissa Kitt: [answers phone] Hey, where are you?
Billy Lenz: [eerily edited recordings, heavy breathing heard in background] Claire will you just answer me...
[muffled, echoed voice]
Billy Lenz: She's my family now... she's my family now...
[higher pitched]
Billy Lenz: Santa Claus...
[muffled voice again]
Billy Lenz: Why Santa? Fuck Santa! FUCK SANTA!
[hangs up phone]
Melissa Kitt: That was not Megan.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Didn't I see Clair earlier?
Kelli Presely: Isn't she upstairs writing a card to her sister?
Melissa Kitt: No, I think her sister picked her up earlier. Remember, this is the occasion for Clair and her sister and her mom to bury the hatchet and rediscover each other.
Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister... right in her head.
Kelli Presely: Isn't she upstairs writing a card to her sister?
Melissa Kitt: No, I think her sister picked her up earlier. Remember, this is the occasion for Clair and her sister and her mom to bury the hatchet and rediscover each other.
Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister... right in her head.
Sergeant Nash: [after Sergeant Nash calls the sorority house] Who is this?
Jess: It's Jess.
Sergeant Nash: Ah, Ms. Bradford, eh, this is Sergeant Nash. Are you the only one in the house?
Jess: No. Phyll and Barb are upstairs asleep. Why?
Sergeant Nash: Alright. Now I want you to do exactly what I tell you without asking any questions, okay?
[Jess asks something on the other line]
Sergeant Nash: No, no, no... no questions. Now just put the phone back on the hook, walk to the front door and leave the house.
Jess: What's wrong?
Sergeant Nash: Please, Ms. Bradford, please just do as I tell you.
Jess: Okay. I'll get Phyll and Barb.
Sergeant Nash: [Raising his voice] No, no, no, don't do that Jess.
[Long pause]
Sergeant Nash: Jess, the caller is in the house. The calls are coming from the house!
Jess: It's Jess.
Sergeant Nash: Ah, Ms. Bradford, eh, this is Sergeant Nash. Are you the only one in the house?
Jess: No. Phyll and Barb are upstairs asleep. Why?
Sergeant Nash: Alright. Now I want you to do exactly what I tell you without asking any questions, okay?
[Jess asks something on the other line]
Sergeant Nash: No, no, no... no questions. Now just put the phone back on the hook, walk to the front door and leave the house.
Jess: What's wrong?
Sergeant Nash: Please, Ms. Bradford, please just do as I tell you.
Jess: Okay. I'll get Phyll and Barb.
Sergeant Nash: [Raising his voice] No, no, no, don't do that Jess.
[Long pause]
Sergeant Nash: Jess, the caller is in the house. The calls are coming from the house!
[Billy and his dad were sitting infront of the Christmas tree setting out cookies and milk for Santa Claus]
Mrs. Lenz: Santa's not coming for you. He was shot down by the Russians.
[Billy turns around giving his mother a nasty look while his father begins to whisper in his ear]
Mrs. Lenz: [whispering] Don't listen to her, Billy. There's a surprise upstairs waiting for you in your room. Go on up there.
[Billy quickly jumps up and runs up the stairs to his bedroom]
Mrs. Lenz: Santa's not coming for you. He was shot down by the Russians.
[Billy turns around giving his mother a nasty look while his father begins to whisper in his ear]
Mrs. Lenz: [whispering] Don't listen to her, Billy. There's a surprise upstairs waiting for you in your room. Go on up there.
[Billy quickly jumps up and runs up the stairs to his bedroom]
Lauren Hanon: Christmas is more about warding off evil spirits than Halloween. What Christmas shit in this room resembles anything Christian, huh? It's all neo-pagan magic. Christmas tree, a magical rite ensuring the return of the crops. The mistletoe is nothing but a conception charm. Fifth century Christians jacked a Roman Winter Festival - twelve days in December when the nights were long and the Earth was ruled by the demons of chaos. And fucking Santa Claus? This fat voyeur that watches you all year long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house. And that is different from what Billy did, how?
[Melissa is taking care of drunk Lauren, who is hugging the toilet]
Lauren Hanon: You know, you're a better sister to me than my own sister.
Melissa Kitt: Yeah, and Dick Cheney is a better sister to you than your sister.
Lauren Hanon: You know what I mean.
[Melissa begins shaking vomit off of her hand]
Melissa Kitt: Yeah, I know, eww, I love you too, but honey, you're really, really smelly. You need to take a shower, can you handle it?
Lauren Hanon: You know, you're a better sister to me than my own sister.
Melissa Kitt: Yeah, and Dick Cheney is a better sister to you than your sister.
Lauren Hanon: You know what I mean.
[Melissa begins shaking vomit off of her hand]
Melissa Kitt: Yeah, I know, eww, I love you too, but honey, you're really, really smelly. You need to take a shower, can you handle it?
Lt. Fuller: [hands Nash a form] What's this?
Sergeant Nash: Oh, that's the number of the sorority house.
Lt. Fuller: Fellatio?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah, it's a new exchange: FE.
Lt. Fuller: [suppressing a laugh] A new exchange?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah, Fellatio. One of the girls that was in this afternoon gave it to me.
Lt. Fuller: [sarcastic] She gave it to you?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah.
Lt. Fuller: Nash, I don't think you could pick your nose without written instructions.
[takes the form and walks back to his disk]
Sergeant Nash: [Nash thinks for a moment] I know. It's something dirty ain't it?
Sergeant Nash: Oh, that's the number of the sorority house.
Lt. Fuller: Fellatio?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah, it's a new exchange: FE.
Lt. Fuller: [suppressing a laugh] A new exchange?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah, Fellatio. One of the girls that was in this afternoon gave it to me.
Lt. Fuller: [sarcastic] She gave it to you?
Sergeant Nash: Yeah.
Lt. Fuller: Nash, I don't think you could pick your nose without written instructions.
[takes the form and walks back to his disk]
Sergeant Nash: [Nash thinks for a moment] I know. It's something dirty ain't it?
Sergeant Nash: [Jess has managed to keep the caller on the line for almost a full two minutes, allowing the phone company to trace the call] Uh, Lt. Fuller?
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: Yeah, Nash, what is it?
Sergeant Nash: The phone company's on the other line sir, they say they got a trace on this one.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: Yeah, let's have it!
Sergeant Nash: He says the calls are coming from #6 Belmont Street.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: For Christ's sakes, Nash, you got it wrong, that's where the calls are going into.
Sergeant Nash: That's where they're coming from too, sir.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: [pause] Oh shit...
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: Yeah, Nash, what is it?
Sergeant Nash: The phone company's on the other line sir, they say they got a trace on this one.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: Yeah, let's have it!
Sergeant Nash: He says the calls are coming from #6 Belmont Street.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: For Christ's sakes, Nash, you got it wrong, that's where the calls are going into.
Sergeant Nash: That's where they're coming from too, sir.
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: [pause] Oh shit...
[Mrs. Lenz walks into the kitchen to make Agnes some Christmas cookies. Before starting, she turns on the stove and lights up a cigarette. Right after she lit the cigarette, the phone rang]
Mrs. Lenz: [answers the phone] Hello? Merry Christmas.
Mrs. Lenz: [There's no answer so she repeats] Merry Christmas.
Mrs. Lenz: [Again no answer] Hey! Merry Christmas!
Billy Lenz: She's my family now.
Mrs. Lenz: [answers the phone] Hello? Merry Christmas.
Mrs. Lenz: [There's no answer so she repeats] Merry Christmas.
Mrs. Lenz: [Again no answer] Hey! Merry Christmas!
Billy Lenz: She's my family now.
[Leigh walks around the living room looking at the presents by the Christmas tree]
Leigh Colvin: I see you're still buying presents for Billy.
[She pauses and looks closely at a present wrapped up in newspaper]
Leigh Colvin: I see you're doing something different this year. Instead of getting a persent for Billy, you're getting a present from Billy.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: That wasn't there before.
[They open the present. It was an eyeless baby doll]
Leigh Colvin: I see you're still buying presents for Billy.
[She pauses and looks closely at a present wrapped up in newspaper]
Leigh Colvin: I see you're doing something different this year. Instead of getting a persent for Billy, you're getting a present from Billy.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: That wasn't there before.
[They open the present. It was an eyeless baby doll]
Sergeant Nash: Bernie? Call the doc.
Farmer: I'm not letting no son of a bitch trespass on my land in the middle of the night! I don't care what kind of a uniform he has!
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: What the hell's going on here?
Cop #1: He fired on a police officer.
Farmer: You goddamn right! I'll do it again, too. The bastard was tresspassing!
Sergeant Nash: Hogan got an ass full of birdshot.
Cop #2: Yeah, I'm gonna make the son of a bitch pick every one of 'em out with his teeth.
Farmer: The next time you're gonna get the gun up your ass! Sideways!
Farmer: I'm not letting no son of a bitch trespass on my land in the middle of the night! I don't care what kind of a uniform he has!
Lieutenant Kennet Fuller: What the hell's going on here?
Cop #1: He fired on a police officer.
Farmer: You goddamn right! I'll do it again, too. The bastard was tresspassing!
Sergeant Nash: Hogan got an ass full of birdshot.
Cop #2: Yeah, I'm gonna make the son of a bitch pick every one of 'em out with his teeth.
Farmer: The next time you're gonna get the gun up your ass! Sideways!
[after the mysterious caller hangs up]
Clare Harrison: I really don't think you should provoke somebody like that, Barb.
Barb Coard: Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.
Clare Harrison: Well maybe. But you know that town girl was raped a couple of weeks ago.
Barb Coard: Darling, you can't rape a townie.
Clare Harrison: I really don't think you should provoke somebody like that, Barb.
Barb Coard: Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.
Clare Harrison: Well maybe. But you know that town girl was raped a couple of weeks ago.
Barb Coard: Darling, you can't rape a townie.
Barb Coard: Did you know, this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping. You don't believe me, do you? Well, I, I mean, how could I make something like that up?
Mrs. MacHenry: Ah, Barb, dear, ah, I-I-I-ah...
Barb Coard: No, really! They just... three days, 24 hours a day, wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes! Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!
Mrs. MacHenry: Ah, Barb, dear, ah, I-I-I-ah...
Barb Coard: No, really! They just... three days, 24 hours a day, wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes! Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: [after finding out Leigh was a legacy] You're a legacy? What year?
Leigh Colvin: Ninety-two... Ninety three... I don't know, I started late, I quit early...
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Nineteen-ninety three... I became housemother here; I don't remember you.
Leigh Colvin: ...I mean, this was supposed to be such a big fucking weekend, excuse my language, but I drove all the way up here in this shitty, shitty weather, after blowing off a weekend with a cardiologist and...
Dana Mathis: [interrupts Leigh] I love your coat.
Leigh Colvin: Ninety-two... Ninety three... I don't know, I started late, I quit early...
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Nineteen-ninety three... I became housemother here; I don't remember you.
Leigh Colvin: ...I mean, this was supposed to be such a big fucking weekend, excuse my language, but I drove all the way up here in this shitty, shitty weather, after blowing off a weekend with a cardiologist and...
Dana Mathis: [interrupts Leigh] I love your coat.
[fiddling with the electric box, trying to get the power back on]
Dana Mathis: Oh shit. The main breaker is underneath the house.
[Leigh looks at her]
Dana Mathis: What? I'm not the totally helpless daddy's girl these bitches make me out to be.
Leigh Colvin: Okay, then go outside and turn the power on.
Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!
Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is, I'll keep looking for Clair
Dana Mathis: Ugh, fine.
Dana Mathis: Oh shit. The main breaker is underneath the house.
[Leigh looks at her]
Dana Mathis: What? I'm not the totally helpless daddy's girl these bitches make me out to be.
Leigh Colvin: Okay, then go outside and turn the power on.
Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!
Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is, I'll keep looking for Clair
Dana Mathis: Ugh, fine.
Sergeant Nash: Excuse me? Could you give me the number at the sorority house? Please?
Barb Coard: Yeah, sure. It's, ah... Fellatio 20880. Fellatio. It's a new exchange, FE.
Sergeant Nash: That's a new one on me. How do you spell it?
Barb Coard: Capital F, E, little L, LA, TIO.
Sergeant Nash: Thanks.
Barb Coard: Don't mention it.
Barb Coard: Yeah, sure. It's, ah... Fellatio 20880. Fellatio. It's a new exchange, FE.
Sergeant Nash: That's a new one on me. How do you spell it?
Barb Coard: Capital F, E, little L, LA, TIO.
Sergeant Nash: Thanks.
Barb Coard: Don't mention it.
Heather: Call the police!
Lauren Hanon: Please. The police are gonna do shit about one wack job phone call.
Dana Mathis: Just dial *69.
Melissa Kitt: That just calls him back unless there's something you need him to clarify.
Melissa Kitt: [checks caller ID; the phone reads Clark Crosby] Caller ID says Clair's cell.
Heather: [looking at Lauren] You really shouldn't provoke someone like that.
Lauren Hanon: What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your nascar daddy?
Heather: I'm goin' home.
Lauren Hanon: [Heather walks through Melissa and Lauren, bumping Lauren's shoulder] Yeah, yeah. Run to daddy!
Heather: [turns around] At least my family wants me to come home.
Kelli Presely: You guys. Come on. It's like, Christmas time.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Yeah. Come on, Heather. What about your present?
Heather: [turns, continues walking] Give it to Billy.
Heather: [turns back around and Eve appears in front of her; she gasps]
Lauren Hanon: Please. The police are gonna do shit about one wack job phone call.
Dana Mathis: Just dial *69.
Melissa Kitt: That just calls him back unless there's something you need him to clarify.
Melissa Kitt: [checks caller ID; the phone reads Clark Crosby] Caller ID says Clair's cell.
Heather: [looking at Lauren] You really shouldn't provoke someone like that.
Lauren Hanon: What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your nascar daddy?
Heather: I'm goin' home.
Lauren Hanon: [Heather walks through Melissa and Lauren, bumping Lauren's shoulder] Yeah, yeah. Run to daddy!
Heather: [turns around] At least my family wants me to come home.
Kelli Presely: You guys. Come on. It's like, Christmas time.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Yeah. Come on, Heather. What about your present?
Heather: [turns, continues walking] Give it to Billy.
Heather: [turns back around and Eve appears in front of her; she gasps]
Dana Mathis: Oh shit, the main breaker's underneath the house. What? I'm not the totally helpless daddy's girl these bitches make me out to be!
Leigh Colvin: OK, Then go outside and turn the power on.
Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!
Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is and I'll keep looking for Clair.
Dana Mathis: Oh fine!
Leigh Colvin: OK, Then go outside and turn the power on.
Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!
Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is and I'll keep looking for Clair.
Dana Mathis: Oh fine!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Who hasn't gotten a gift yet? Oh, Lauren.
Dana Mathis: Just give her a shot of tequila, and wish her happy holidays.
[Dana hands Lauren a drink, who is already obviously drunk]
Melissa Kitt: Happy Holidays!
[Lauren downs the shot of tequila, then takes a drink of her wine]
Melissa Kitt: Okay, I know this is supposed to be the whole "Secret Santa" thing, but, I know that Clair drew your name.
Lauren Hanon: Oh, yeah, she get me anything good?
Melissa Kitt: Oh yeah... it's a music box. It plays "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies".
Lauren Hanon: Oh, fuck no. I'm already startin' to see the Sugar Plum Fairies, I don't need to hear the little fuckers too!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Language, language!
Dana Mathis: Just give her a shot of tequila, and wish her happy holidays.
[Dana hands Lauren a drink, who is already obviously drunk]
Melissa Kitt: Happy Holidays!
[Lauren downs the shot of tequila, then takes a drink of her wine]
Melissa Kitt: Okay, I know this is supposed to be the whole "Secret Santa" thing, but, I know that Clair drew your name.
Lauren Hanon: Oh, yeah, she get me anything good?
Melissa Kitt: Oh yeah... it's a music box. It plays "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies".
Lauren Hanon: Oh, fuck no. I'm already startin' to see the Sugar Plum Fairies, I don't need to hear the little fuckers too!
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Language, language!
Kelli Presely: [phone rings] Alpha Kappa... hello? Hello, hello? Very funny, Kyle.
Kelli Presely: I think someone's in trouble.
[turns receiver onto speaker phone]
Billy Lenz: [on the telephone, in a muffled, maniacal voice] Where is Agnes? Billy! What your mother and I must know is where is Agnes? Merry Christmas, Agnes. You are in my house, I can see you. Everyone should be home for Christmas! Santa Claus is dead.
Lauren Hanon: Hey, shouldn't you get goin', don't you have lots of toys to deliver to good little boys and girls?
Billy Lenz: I'm gonna kill you.
Kelli Presely: I think someone's in trouble.
[turns receiver onto speaker phone]
Billy Lenz: [on the telephone, in a muffled, maniacal voice] Where is Agnes? Billy! What your mother and I must know is where is Agnes? Merry Christmas, Agnes. You are in my house, I can see you. Everyone should be home for Christmas! Santa Claus is dead.
Lauren Hanon: Hey, shouldn't you get goin', don't you have lots of toys to deliver to good little boys and girls?
Billy Lenz: I'm gonna kill you.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: [Searching for Billy's present under the christmas tree] Billy! Billy! Girls, I can't find Billy's present under the tree here. Come on, girls, we can't start the secret santa without Billy's present! Hello? Who drew Billy's name?
Melissa Kitt: Um, Ms. Mac, it's a secret santa.
Dana Mathis: [Doing her nails] Can we just get on with this thing? So I can party for a few days before having to deal with the family on Christmas.
Melissa Kitt: Have you looked outside? It's raining hail the size of Yao's ballsack!
Dana Mathis: It'll stop. The party gods wouldn't allow me to be here alone during Christmas break.
Kelli Presely: Oh, I'll be here, Dana.
[Disapointed]
Kelli Presely: Yeah, they're makin' me work next week.
Melissa Kitt: That sucks, everyone should be home for Christmas.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: All right, all right, who's not here?
Kelli Presely: Um, like everybody.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Chelsea?
Kelli Presely: She went home this morning.
Melissa Kitt: Um, Ms. Mac, it's a secret santa.
Dana Mathis: [Doing her nails] Can we just get on with this thing? So I can party for a few days before having to deal with the family on Christmas.
Melissa Kitt: Have you looked outside? It's raining hail the size of Yao's ballsack!
Dana Mathis: It'll stop. The party gods wouldn't allow me to be here alone during Christmas break.
Kelli Presely: Oh, I'll be here, Dana.
[Disapointed]
Kelli Presely: Yeah, they're makin' me work next week.
Melissa Kitt: That sucks, everyone should be home for Christmas.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: All right, all right, who's not here?
Kelli Presely: Um, like everybody.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Chelsea?
Kelli Presely: She went home this morning.
