Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Quotes
When a massive fire kills their parents, three children are delivered to the custody of cousin and stage actor Count Olaf, who is secretly plotting to steal their parents' vast fortune.
Violet Baudelaire: It's the letter! The letter that never came!
[reading]
Violet Baudelaire: 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'
[reading]
Violet Baudelaire: 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'
Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!
Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...
[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.
[looks with disgust at Sunny]
Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.
[looks with disgust at Sunny]
Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...
Sunny: [bites him]
[speaking baby talk]
Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!
Count Olaf: Ohhhh!
[gasping]
Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.
Sunny: [bites him]
[speaking baby talk]
Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!
Count Olaf: Ohhhh!
[gasping]
Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.
[first lines]
Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.
Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.
[the Baudelaires are making Pasta Puttanesca]
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming?
[Sunny appears with a spitoon]
Sunny: [subtitled] Voila!
Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon.
Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean like...?
Klaus Baudelaire: [nods in disgust]
Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming?
[Sunny appears with a spitoon]
Sunny: [subtitled] Voila!
Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon.
Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean like...?
Klaus Baudelaire: [nods in disgust]
Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.
Klaus Baudelaire: [backstage after Count Olaf has revealed his plan to marry Violet otherwise he'll kill Sunny] No... you're not going to go through with this?
Violet Baudelaire: I have to.
Klaus Baudelaire: No come on! There's always something! There's always something.
Violet Baudelaire: Not this time.
Klaus Baudelaire: But...
Violet Baudelaire: Go, Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet...
Violet Baudelaire: Go!
Violet Baudelaire: I have to.
Klaus Baudelaire: No come on! There's always something! There's always something.
Violet Baudelaire: Not this time.
Klaus Baudelaire: But...
Violet Baudelaire: Go, Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet...
Violet Baudelaire: Go!
Count Olaf: Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?
[last lines]
Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
Mr. Poe: ...So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, who resides right here in the city just 37 blocks away.
Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!
Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!
Count Olaf: [to the room of his troupe of actors] Let us go back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth!
[raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]
Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]
Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?
[raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]
Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]
Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?
Klaus Baudelaire: How could they do this to us?
Violet Baudelaire: They're just bad people...
Klaus Baudelaire: Not them. Mom and Dad.
Violet Baudelaire: Klaus!
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, you're thinking it too! How could they? Did they have no plan for us at all?
Violet Baudelaire: Maybe... maybe they did have a plan.
Klaus Baudelaire: [sarcastically] Sure looks like it to me.
Violet Baudelaire: They're just bad people...
Klaus Baudelaire: Not them. Mom and Dad.
Violet Baudelaire: Klaus!
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, you're thinking it too! How could they? Did they have no plan for us at all?
Violet Baudelaire: Maybe... maybe they did have a plan.
Klaus Baudelaire: [sarcastically] Sure looks like it to me.
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] This is the story of the three Baudelaire children. Violet loved to invent; her brother, Klaus, loved to read; and their sister, Sunny... she loved to bite. My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my duty to tell you their tale. No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire, but just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.
Count Olaf: This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair".
[Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]
Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!
Count Olaf: [Regular accent] Is anybody
[Pretending to be electrified]
Count Olaf: OUT THERE?*!
[Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]
Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!
Count Olaf: [Regular accent] Is anybody
[Pretending to be electrified]
Count Olaf: OUT THERE?*!
[Jim Carrey sings a sea shanty as Captain Sham towards the end of the end credits]
Count Olaf: Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life.
Count Olaf: Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.
Count Olaf: Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life.
Count Olaf: Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.
Violet Baudelaire: Do you remember when Mum and Dad went to Europe, and we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write? And then we found out they'd written a long letter and it had just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? This is just like that.
Klaus Baudelaire: No it's not.
Violet Baudelaire: Why?
Klaus Baudelaire: Because they're not in Europe. They're not coming back
Klaus Baudelaire: No it's not.
Violet Baudelaire: Why?
Klaus Baudelaire: Because they're not in Europe. They're not coming back
[after telling the children how Ike died]
Aunt Josephine: Oh, God, I hate it here.
Violet Baudelaire: Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of, maybe, moving someplace else? Maybe, if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, never, never, never sell this house.
[pause]
Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors.
Lemony Snicket: There are two kinds of fears. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.
[in a flashback]
Realtor: [shows her card to a tentative Josephine] Is this a bad time?
Aunt Josephine: [screams at the top of her lungs]
[in the present]
Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet] We gotta get her out of the house.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, God, I hate it here.
Violet Baudelaire: Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of, maybe, moving someplace else? Maybe, if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, never, never, never sell this house.
[pause]
Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors.
Lemony Snicket: There are two kinds of fears. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.
[in a flashback]
Realtor: [shows her card to a tentative Josephine] Is this a bad time?
Aunt Josephine: [screams at the top of her lungs]
[in the present]
Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet] We gotta get her out of the house.
Uncle Monty: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?
Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.
[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]
Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.
[lifting snake]
Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.
Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.
[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]
Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.
[lifting snake]
Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.
Count Olaf: [from his boat to the Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine] Hello, hello, hello. I missed you guys. Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we baack to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [in a fast sarcastic tone] Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we baack to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [in a fast sarcastic tone] Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?
