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New Jersey mob boss, Tony Soprano, deals with personal and professional issues in his home and business life.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob? Silvio Dante: Oh, yeah. Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How long did it take for the guy to come?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Christopher Moltisanti: It's an idea, I don't know. Who knows where it fucking came from? Isaac Newton invented gravity because some asshole hit him with an apple.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A wrong decision is better than indecision.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Hey, Sil. Silvio Dante: What? Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: "What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it. Silvio Dante: [imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
[the dean of a college that Meadow is applying to is asking Tony for a $50,000 donation] Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No fucking way! Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down. Carmela Soprano: No, he's not. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian. Christopher Moltisanti: Get the fuck out of here. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe. Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, yeah? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"
[during the executive card game, Matthew Bevilaqua tries to clean up cheese from Silvo Dante, Silvio goes ballistic] Silvio Dante: What the fuck are you doing? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, take it easy. Silvio Dante: [turns to Tony] I'm losin' my balls over here! This fucking moron's playing "Hazel". [turns back to Matthew] Silvio Dante: Get the fuck out of here! Matthew Bevilaqua: I was just trying to sweep the cheese away... Silvio Dante: Why? Why now? Leave it there. Matthew Bevilaqua: I don't know. I was just... Silvio Dante: What? [turns the other guys] Silvio Dante: Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying to get... [turns back to Matthew] Silvio Dante: [shouts] Leave the fucking cheese there, all right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? Now leave the fucking cocksucking cheese where it is! Here, here, here. [he swipes off the cheese on his plate onto the floor] Silvio Dante: Go ahead. Have a good time.
Christopher: Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're late! Ralph Cifaretto: Well, at least I can always be on time tomorrow, but you'll be stupid forever.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking good. Looking better. Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, You want that, it's a phone call away.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's like taking a shit. Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok. I actually like to think about it as a childbirth. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Log off, that "cookies" shit makes me nervous!
Tony Blundetto: It's hard to believe. My cousin in the old man's seat. Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame. Tony Blundetto: What? Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: "Sun-Tuh-Zoo". He's Chinese Prince prince Matchabelli. Silvio Dante: Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you fucking ass-kiss!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap. Dr Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there. Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
Carmela Soprano: [after finding A.J. was smoking weed on his confirmation] Get back in there to your guests! Be a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their fucking head.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end? Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a... a little kick-start. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why don't you kick me in the fuckin' head? Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know what you're going through must be painful. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This shit isn't painful. It's empty... dead.
[repeated line] Livia Soprano: I wish the Lord would take me now.
Ralphie Cifaretto: I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass. Artie Bucco: Why not? Ralphie Cifaretto: 'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, break it down for 'em. What two business have traditionally been recession-proof since time immemorial? Silvio Dante: Certain aspects of show business and our thing.
[Christopher just got out of drug rehab] Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, what step are you at now? Christopher Moltisanti: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I fucked over when I was using. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie. Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck's the matter with you?
Tony Blundetto: What do I find in a pork store? A bunch of guys beating their meat.
[about his father] Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do you have to be stressed about? That bar? Adriana La Cerva: War, Christopher? The Middle East. Christopher Moltisanti: You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control. So what are you worked up about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Livia Soprano: [at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office. Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Could we not? Livia Soprano: Oh well you only remember what you want to remember. I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old. [pause] Livia Soprano: Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.
Joanne Moltisanti: When you find him, I want him to suffer! You hear me, Sil? I want that mother fucker in agony! Silvio Dante: Don't worry. We'll do the best we can.
Feech La Manna: What's yours is your Pauly, but what ain't, belongs to anybody else. Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Oh, what do you know about what belongs to who? You been in prison for twenty years. Feech La Manna: Which entitles me to earn! Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Which entitles you to shit! In my book, you get points for staying out. Feech La Manna: Then it's a good thing, Paulie, that your book doesn't mean oogatz to me!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Vito, you did tell the police you didn't know who did this, right? Vito Spatafore: Please. I may be distressed, but I know how to keep my mouth shut. Ralph Cifaretto: Unless there's a big tuna sandwich around!
[Christopher is stoned] Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Sil and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not. Christopher Moltisanti: What's that, T? Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st Century. Christopher Moltisanti: Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st Century... [Tony looks at him, confused] Christopher Moltisanti: Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.
FBI agent: We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?
[Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily] Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.
Eugene Pontecorvo: The only thing I ever found in the street was my first wife.
Silvio Dante: My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make $1500 a week has no bearing with my principessa.
Tony Soprano: Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?
Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi: The Soprano family has always been a little pushy. Carmine Lupertazzi: Family? They're a glorified crew! John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Whatever they are, Carmine, they make us a lot of money.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Ralphie Cifaretto: ...and I know I'm the guy who's dating your mom, Jackie Aprile Jr.: Dating? Ralphie Cifaretto: Don't get fuckin' filthy about it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, maybe I am wrong, but you have really changed since the old man died. First, Lorraine Caluzzo. Then you sink this idiot's boat. This not the John I knew.
Tony Blundetto: To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!
Janice Soprano: [as she's talking with Tony while sucking marrow out of a soup bone] God, I love marrow, just like Ma. Remember Ma with a bone? It sounded like half-price day at a liposuction clinic.
Christopher Moltisanti: In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.
Adriana La Cerva: They broke my fuckin' chair.
Junior Soprano: The joint, not like in the old days. Fuckin' animals in there. Feech La Manna: It's all about setting the precedent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Where the fuck have you been? You're late! Christopher: Sorry, the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.
Phil Leotardo: There are no scraps in my scrapbook.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
Carmela Soprano: I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support. Dr. Krakower: You're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money. You can't either. One thing you can never say: You haven't been told.
[a union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation] Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: How's it going? You're the head of the union aren't you? Union Leader: Yeah, I am. Who are you? Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Just a casual observer. You know, I've been following the situation, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean you recently got an offer, for a lot of money. And, if you don't get paid, you can't feed your family. I presume you got a family. I'm a family man myself, and I gotta tell you I'd rather take two shots to the back of the fucking head than not be able to feed my family. [makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head] Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: One... Two... To the back of the head. You think about that.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: We go way back to when Moses wore short pants.
Angelo Garepe: Rusty, I think he bangs his wife in installments.
[while playing hearts] Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro: I've eaten more queens than Lancelot.
Tony Soprano: Is everyone in my life fuckin' bananas?
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you won't talk about this to anybody? Black Thug: I got the mouth of a statue, nigga.
Silvio Dante: You're only as good as your last envelope.
Phil Leotardo: Let me tell you a couple of three things: Forget Coco, forget Fat Dom who goes over to Jersey and never comes back, forget my brother Billy.
Silvio Dante: Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling. Christopher Moltisanti: You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life. Silvio Dante: Yeah, like they would ever hire you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: End of story.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to a friend, about men] Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.
Adriana La Cerva: Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club. Why? Is he gonna be? Christopher: You don't know what this guy did for me. Adriana La Cerva: Yeah I do. Christopher: Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: How much White Castle did you have? Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: I had none. I swear. Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I can SMELL it.
Juror #9: So, let's keep in touch. Call me when your grandson is born. Female Juror: When he's born, I wouldn't want to be thinking about you.
Johnny Sack: Phil treats nickels like manhole covers.
Carmela Soprano: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.
Mikey Palmice: Junior Soprano's the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.
'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!