You Don't Mess with the Zohan Quotes
An Israeli Special Forces Soldier fakes his death so he can re-emerge in New York City as a hair stylist.
The Phantom: Okay, okay, okay! What you want, huh?
Salim: I want muchentuchen restaurant chain.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: But if I tell, you no have chain anyway.
The Phantom: So, you not give any incentive.
Salim: Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen".
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Twenty-five percent.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court.
The Phantom: Okay.
Salim: I get profits from store.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Some profits.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I get free yogurt when I come to store.
The Phantom: Okay. Within reason.
Salim: And... I want some of your wives.
The Phantom: How many wives you want?
Salim: Twenty.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I sleep with one wife.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: She give one pee-pee touch.
The Phantom: Okay.
Salim: I want muchentuchen restaurant chain.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: But if I tell, you no have chain anyway.
The Phantom: So, you not give any incentive.
Salim: Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen".
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Twenty-five percent.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court.
The Phantom: Okay.
Salim: I get profits from store.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Some profits.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I get free yogurt when I come to store.
The Phantom: Okay. Within reason.
Salim: And... I want some of your wives.
The Phantom: How many wives you want?
Salim: Twenty.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I sleep with one wife.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: She give one pee-pee touch.
The Phantom: Okay.
Zohan: [Zohan approaches apprehensive-looking young kid sitting in Barber chair] Young man! Look what I have found here, a nice balloon. Do you want it?
[hands kid balloon]
Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
[kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat]
Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...
[hands kid balloon]
Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
[kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat]
Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...
computer read-out: [superimposed in Zohan's binoculars] Name: James T. O'Skanlon / Hates: Jews, the Arabs, the Blacks, the Yellows, the French, the Latins, the New York Times, the George Clooney, the Hillary, the Obama, the Whole Foods, the Prius, the dogs in purses, the Oprah, the Ellen, the condoms, and sunsets on the beach. / Likes: the Lethal Weapon 1, the Lethal Weapon 2, the Lethal Weapon 3, what women want. / Occupation: fake Arab for the Walbridge.
James: You want us to get some mud people out'ch-your buildin' so you can build some kind-a roller coaster mall. Sir I just wanna thank you for this opportunity. I mean it's a gift to mess with the Jews and terrorists on the same night. I mean it's like, uh, it's like uh, uh, it's like Christmas in July. Right now we are scheduled to sabotage a black people's parade in Chicago, uh but we could move that.
Business Man #1: I spoke to the manager at Going Out of Business again yesterday. I stated our price and the urgency of the matter, and he offered me 2/3rds less and a Toshiba DVD player.
Business Man #2: Yeah, the people at Everything Must Go were just as difficult. They offered me a Blu-ray disc and a jar of hummus.
Business Man #3: What's hummus?
Business Man #2: It's a very tasty... diarrhea-like substance.
Business Man #2: Yeah, the people at Everything Must Go were just as difficult. They offered me a Blu-ray disc and a jar of hummus.
Business Man #3: What's hummus?
Business Man #2: It's a very tasty... diarrhea-like substance.
