Family Matters Quotes
Long-running "Perfect Strangers" spin-off series centering on the Winslow family and their pesky next-door neighbor, ultra-nerd Steve Urkel.
Steve Urkel: Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus.
Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that?
Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough.
[coughs]
Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.
Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.
Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!
Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."
Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that?
Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough.
[coughs]
Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.
Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.
Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!
Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."
Laura: I couldn't have done this without you.
Steve Urkel: Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.
Laura: You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.
Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.
Laura: Well, I admire you for that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.
Steve Urkel: Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.
Laura: You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.
Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.
Laura: Well, I admire you for that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.
Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him.
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!
[on the afternoon of the Prom]
Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
Curtis: Hi Laura!
Laura: What's wrong?
Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
Curtis: That's Right
Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
Curtis: My grandmother died!
Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
Laura: Poor Curtis
Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom.
[crying]
Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together.
[laughs]
Maxine Johnson: Bye!
[Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
Curtis: Hi Laura!
Laura: What's wrong?
Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
Curtis: That's Right
Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
Curtis: My grandmother died!
Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
Laura: Poor Curtis
Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom.
[crying]
Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together.
[laughs]
Maxine Johnson: Bye!
[Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
Carl: Okay, you read the instructions, while I add all the pieces.
Steve Urkel: Okay.
[reading]
Steve Urkel: "Mongu! Chico! Mondo do du chok! Wa chee! Chocum hi chip chok!"
Carl: What are you babbling about?
Steve Urkel: This page is in Korean. They misspelled three words.
Carl: You can read Korean?
Steve Urkel: Why, sure! It's a beautiful language. I'll teach you. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. "No mo giet itsu mana! Mont gio sam eea!"
Carl: Well, what's that mean?
Steve Urkel: I've fallen and I can't get up!
Steve Urkel: Okay.
[reading]
Steve Urkel: "Mongu! Chico! Mondo do du chok! Wa chee! Chocum hi chip chok!"
Carl: What are you babbling about?
Steve Urkel: This page is in Korean. They misspelled three words.
Carl: You can read Korean?
Steve Urkel: Why, sure! It's a beautiful language. I'll teach you. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. "No mo giet itsu mana! Mont gio sam eea!"
Carl: Well, what's that mean?
Steve Urkel: I've fallen and I can't get up!
Carl: [after kicking Steve out of the house] And don't you ever come back!
Steve Urkel: What did you say?
Carl: Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.
Steve Urkel: I will not be bullied! I love this lady
[Laura]
Steve Urkel: and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!
Steve Urkel: What did you say?
Carl: Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.
Steve Urkel: I will not be bullied! I love this lady
[Laura]
Steve Urkel: and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!
Laura: Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.
Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
Laura: Yes.
Steve Urkel: No biggie!
Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
Laura: Yes.
Steve Urkel: No biggie!
Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?
[Steve is wasted]
Laura: Steve...
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura: WHAT?
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!
Laura: Steve...
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura: WHAT?
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!
Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. Just as I thought. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any important paper work.
Eddie: What do you mean Steve?
Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked.
Eddie: What do you mean Steve?
Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked.
Steve Urkel: Why, I can see the headlines now! "Nubbles Sucks Face with Nerd!"
Cassie Lynn: You wouldn't.
Steve Urkel: Would.
Cassie Lynn: You couldn't.
Steve Urkel: Could.
Cassie Lynn: But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.
Steve Urkel: Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!
Cassie Lynn: You wouldn't.
Steve Urkel: Would.
Cassie Lynn: You couldn't.
Steve Urkel: Could.
Cassie Lynn: But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.
Steve Urkel: Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!
Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ... Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ... Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
Steve Urkel: I had my first allergy attack when I was nine. I was on the bus on the way to day camp when all of a sudden my eyes started to water and I started coughing up all this green stuff. Or was it yellow? Mucus comes in so many colors.
Eddie: Steve, I'm tryin' to eat.
Steve Urkel: What'd I say?
Eddie: Steve, I'm tryin' to eat.
Steve Urkel: What'd I say?
Steve Urkel: It wasn't that play that cost you the championship. It was your free safety. I mean the guy's a feeb. The man was open all day! He couldn't cover his head with his hat.
Ken: [Grabbing Steve by the collar] THAT FEEB YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WAS ME!
Steve Urkel: Actually, it was my dad who said that. He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.
Ken: You make me wanna puke! You know that?
Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy?
Ken: [Grabbing Steve by the collar] THAT FEEB YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WAS ME!
Steve Urkel: Actually, it was my dad who said that. He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.
Ken: You make me wanna puke! You know that?
Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy?
Steve Urkel: [thinking he's playing hide and seek with Laura, Eddie, & Judy and a shower starts running] That shower running doesn't fool me Laura!
[walks into the bathroom]
Rachel Crawford: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Steve Urkel: [runs back into the living room] Sorry Rachel!
[to self]
Steve Urkel: WOW!
[walks into the bathroom]
Rachel Crawford: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Steve Urkel: [runs back into the living room] Sorry Rachel!
[to self]
Steve Urkel: WOW!
Eddie: What's that?
Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?
Eddie: A really... big negative?
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?
Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!
Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before.
Eddie: I did good, huh?
Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart!
Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?
Eddie: A really... big negative?
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?
Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!
Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before.
Eddie: I did good, huh?
Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart!
Steve Urkel: Now, relax, Eddie. You had an accident. Carl will understand.
Eddie: Right. Dad will understand.
Carl: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?
Harriette: Carl! Carl, calm down!
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room.
Harriette: Yes, I know that.
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room!
Harriette: Carl, don't overreact.
Carl: Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is.
Eddie: Right. Dad will understand.
Carl: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?
Harriette: Carl! Carl, calm down!
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room.
Harriette: Yes, I know that.
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room!
Harriette: Carl, don't overreact.
Carl: Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is.
Steve Urkel: You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. Why, you teach us things about life!
Ms. Steuben: Oh, you really think so?
Steve Urkel: Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, you really think so?
Steve Urkel: Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.
Laura: [seductively] Hi, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Hi, Laura,
Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Steve Urkel: [confused] Really?
Laura: Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Steve Urkel: Thank you.
Laura: [grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.
Steve Urkel: [dropping his bowling ball and hyperventilating]
Carl: Steve? Steve?
Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!
Steve Urkel: Hi, Laura,
Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Steve Urkel: [confused] Really?
Laura: Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Steve Urkel: Thank you.
Laura: [grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.
Steve Urkel: [dropping his bowling ball and hyperventilating]
Carl: Steve? Steve?
Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!
Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel
[prom guests gasp]
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
[Prom Guests Gasp]
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
[laughs and snorts]
[prom guests gasp]
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
[Prom Guests Gasp]
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
[laughs and snorts]
Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A date?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Laura: Yeah.
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A date?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Laura: Yeah.
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.
[Steve just built an atomic bomb]
Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
Ms. Steuben: Listen, now, you tried as hard as you could and I'm gonna be generous and give you a C.
Steve Urkel: A what? A what?
Ms. Steuben: A C. A C!
Steve Urkel: But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.
Ms. Steuben: So?
Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!
Ms. Steuben: Get a hold of yourself, Steven.
Steve Urkel: I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!
Steve Urkel: A what? A what?
Ms. Steuben: A C. A C!
Steve Urkel: But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.
Ms. Steuben: So?
Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!
Ms. Steuben: Get a hold of yourself, Steven.
Steve Urkel: I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!
Eddie: I'm sorry, Steve. We'll go camping together some other time. Just you and me. I promise, okay?
Steve Urkel: Okay.
Eddie: All right.
[goes to leave]
Steve Urkel: ...No, it's not okay! Eddie Winslow, front and center! Newsflash, Eddie! I have feelings. Inside this scrawny chest, there beats a heart. A heart that hurts. And the reason it hurts is because I've tried very hard to be your friend and all you've done is take advantage of me. Well, that's gonna stop right now! I'm not your personal doormat.
[pointing to Laura]
Steve Urkel: I'm her doormat!
Steve Urkel: Okay.
Eddie: All right.
[goes to leave]
Steve Urkel: ...No, it's not okay! Eddie Winslow, front and center! Newsflash, Eddie! I have feelings. Inside this scrawny chest, there beats a heart. A heart that hurts. And the reason it hurts is because I've tried very hard to be your friend and all you've done is take advantage of me. Well, that's gonna stop right now! I'm not your personal doormat.
[pointing to Laura]
Steve Urkel: I'm her doormat!
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry.
Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.
Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame.
Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?
Steve Urkel: No.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.
Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.
Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame.
Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?
Steve Urkel: No.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.
Eddie: I don't see what getting beat up is gonna prove.
Steve Urkel: That's because you don't know what it's like being small. No one's ever called you 'shrimp'. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class sign. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. I mean, I'm a fast runner, Eddie, but sooner or later, you just gotta stop running.
Steve Urkel: That's because you don't know what it's like being small. No one's ever called you 'shrimp'. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class sign. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. I mean, I'm a fast runner, Eddie, but sooner or later, you just gotta stop running.
Carl: What's wrong, honey?
Laura: Science class. I'm in big trouble! I may get a B.
Carl: I got a B once. I framed it.
Laura: Dad, this is serious. I can't afford a B on my permanent record. From now on, no parties and no TV. In fact, I'm grounded.
Harriette: Laura!
Laura: Don't argue. Someday, I'll thank myself for this.
Laura: Science class. I'm in big trouble! I may get a B.
Carl: I got a B once. I framed it.
Laura: Dad, this is serious. I can't afford a B on my permanent record. From now on, no parties and no TV. In fact, I'm grounded.
Harriette: Laura!
Laura: Don't argue. Someday, I'll thank myself for this.
[Steve thinks Rachel is in love with him, but she is really in love with another man named Steve]
Rachel Crawford: Oh, hi Steve.
[Steve jumps]
Rachel Crawford: How are you?
Steve Urkel: Mm-fine!
Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?
Steve Urkel: A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?
Rachel Crawford: Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, are you sure you're okay?
[Goes to feel his head]
Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!
Rachel Crawford: Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?
Steve Urkel: Do I have to?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.
Steve Urkel: [Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.
Rachel Crawford: How 'bout double the usual?
Steve Urkel: The usual? Well... oh-okay.
Rachel Crawford: Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here.
[Pulls him into a hug]
Rachel Crawford: [He faints]
Rachel Crawford: Steve? Steve, what happened?
Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!
Rachel Crawford: Oh, hi Steve.
[Steve jumps]
Rachel Crawford: How are you?
Steve Urkel: Mm-fine!
Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?
Steve Urkel: A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?
Rachel Crawford: Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, are you sure you're okay?
[Goes to feel his head]
Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!
Rachel Crawford: Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?
Steve Urkel: Do I have to?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.
Steve Urkel: [Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.
Rachel Crawford: How 'bout double the usual?
Steve Urkel: The usual? Well... oh-okay.
Rachel Crawford: Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here.
[Pulls him into a hug]
Rachel Crawford: [He faints]
Rachel Crawford: Steve? Steve, what happened?
Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!
Steve Urkel: You know what, Laura? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak.
Laura: Steve, that's not true.
Steve Urkel: It isn't?
Laura: No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, name a couple.
Laura: Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...
Steve Urkel: I said 'a couple'.
Laura: Steve, that's not true.
Steve Urkel: It isn't?
Laura: No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, name a couple.
Laura: Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...
Steve Urkel: I said 'a couple'.
Cassie Lynn: Look, Becky Sue. Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race.
Laura: What are you talkin' about?
Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.
Steve Urkel: What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.
Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.
Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.
Steve Urkel: But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.
Cassie Lynn: That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.
Laura: You wouldn't dare.
Cassie Lynn: Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.
Steve Urkel: Why you...
[Both leave laughing]
Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!
Laura: Steve. Steve! STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Wha-at?
Laura: Will you calm down?
Steve Urkel: Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!
Laura: I know!
Steve Urkel: Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?
Laura: What are you talkin' about?
Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.
Steve Urkel: What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.
Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.
Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.
Steve Urkel: But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.
Cassie Lynn: That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.
Laura: You wouldn't dare.
Cassie Lynn: Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.
Steve Urkel: Why you...
[Both leave laughing]
Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!
Laura: Steve. Steve! STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Wha-at?
Laura: Will you calm down?
Steve Urkel: Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!
Laura: I know!
Steve Urkel: Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?
Steve Urkel: I bought two tickets to a concert that Laura wants to go to and offered to take her as my, get this, date!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ooh, that's nice!
Steve Urkel: Well, no, it's not nice!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It's not?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Are you sure?
Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ooh, that's nice!
Steve Urkel: Well, no, it's not nice!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It's not?
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Are you sure?
Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.
Laura: I was thinking about taking a home economics class so I can learn how to cook
Harriette: What for? I can teach you how to cook.
Laura: That's okay mom.
Harriette: Look why not?
Laura: Remember when you tried to teach me how to sew? You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off.
Harriette: I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a home economics class.
Harriette: What for? I can teach you how to cook.
Laura: That's okay mom.
Harriette: Look why not?
Laura: Remember when you tried to teach me how to sew? You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off.
Harriette: I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a home economics class.
Steve Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.
[Notices no one is there anymore]
Steve Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.
[Notices no one is there anymore]
Steve Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.
Ms. Steuben: All right, class. This semester we're... Steven, you'd better get going. You're late for class.
Steve Urkel: Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.
Ms. Steuben: That's... that's not funny, Steven.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'?
[laughs]
Ms. Steuben: Uh, excuse us... just a minute.
[Pulls Steve to other side of room]
Ms. Steuben: Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!
Steve Urkel: Well, yes, I did.
Ms. Steuben: But... here you are. It's not fair.
Steve Urkel: Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.
Ms. Steuben: That's... that's not funny, Steven.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'?
[laughs]
Ms. Steuben: Uh, excuse us... just a minute.
[Pulls Steve to other side of room]
Ms. Steuben: Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!
Steve Urkel: Well, yes, I did.
Ms. Steuben: But... here you are. It's not fair.
Eddie: [while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried.
Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.
Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy!
[plugs the cord into the socket]
Carl, Eddie: [after Carl gets shocked from the electrical current] STEVE!
Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.
Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy!
[plugs the cord into the socket]
Carl, Eddie: [after Carl gets shocked from the electrical current] STEVE!
Lt. Murtaugh: You look familiar.
Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?
Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?
Harriette: Laura! This oven is on 550.
Laura: Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. So, I figured if I doubled the temperature, I could cook it in half the time.
Steve Urkel: [cracks up] Oh, that's rich! That's one for the books! Oh! How could a girl so smart do something so... so... So long!
Laura: Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. So, I figured if I doubled the temperature, I could cook it in half the time.
Steve Urkel: [cracks up] Oh, that's rich! That's one for the books! Oh! How could a girl so smart do something so... so... So long!
Steve Urkel: Ms Steuben, you taught Laura to slow down and stop taking short cuts. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. And, my God, look what you've done to Waldo. Do you have any idea how much you changed him?
Ms. Steuben: Well, I guess he's changed a little.
Steve Urkel: A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.
Ms. Steuben: Well, I guess he's changed a little.
Steve Urkel: A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.
Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.
