Mort Sahl — Canadian Comedian born on May 11, 1927,

Morton Lyon "Mort" Sahl is a Canadian-born American comedian and social satirist, considered to be the first modern stand-up comedian since Will Rogers, a humorist in the early 20th century. Sahl pioneered a style of social satire which pokes fun at political and current event topics using improvised monologues and only a newspaper as a prop... (wikipedia)

My life needs editing.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.