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A new kid must find a guy to date the meanest girl in school, the older sister of the girl he has a crush on, who cannot date until her older sister does.
Kat Stratford: I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time. Patrick: Cameron, do you like the girl? Cameron: Yeah. Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble? Cameron: Well, I thought she was, but you know, I... Patrick: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.
Walter Stratford: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today? Kat Stratford: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.
Patrick: It's not everyday you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention.
[last lines] Kat Stratford: You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know? Patrick: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums, and bass, and maybe even one day a tambourine.
Patrick: Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl. Kat Stratford: Is that right? Patrick: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um, I fell for her.
Kat Stratford: I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
Cameron: Just 'cause you're beautiful, that doesn't mean that you can treat people like they don't matter.
Joey: Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol *before* she comes to class? Mr. Morgan: Someday, you gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
Patrick: So what's your excuse? Kat Stratford: For? Patrick: Acting the way we do. Kat Stratford: I don't like to do what people expect.Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own? Patrick: So you disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right? Kat Stratford: Something like that Patrick: Then you screwed up! Kat Stratford: How? Patrick: You never disappointed me.
Kat Stratford: We're going now. Walter Stratford: Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, *no* ritual animal slaughters of any kind. Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.
Kat Stratford: Tell me something true. Patrick: Something true... I hate peas. Kat Stratford: No, something real, something no one else knows. Patrick: Okay, you're sweet, and sexy, and completely hot for me.
Kat Stratford: You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke. Patrick: I know, I quit. Apparently they're bad for you. Kat Stratford: You think?
Patrick: Someone still has her panties in a twist. Kat Stratford: Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties. Patrick: Then what did I have an effect on? Kat Stratford: Other than my upchuck reflex, nothing.
Walter Stratford: [Bianca and Chastity are sneaking past Bianca's father] Shoulda used the window! Bianca: Hi Daddy! Walter Stratford: Hi... where're we going? Bianca: Well, if you must know... a small study group of friends. Walter Stratford: Otherwise known as an orgy? Chastity: Mr. Stratford, it's just a party! Walter Stratford: And hell is just a sauna.
Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat... Kat Stratford: Tempestuous? Ms. Perky: "Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.
[after Joey punches Cameron, Bianca punches Joey in the face] Joey: Shit, Bianca, I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow! Bianca: That's for making my date bleed! [punches him again] Bianca: That's for my sister! [knees him in the crotch] Bianca: And that's for me!
Walter Stratford: Where's your sister going? Kat Stratford: She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm. Walter Stratford: Funny.
Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me? Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"? Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father". Bianca: She did not. Walter Stratford: Well, that's what she would have said if she wasn't so doped up!
Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed? Bianca: I think you can in Europe.
Cameron: We are screwed. Michael: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude... I wanna hear you upbeat! Cameron: [more upbeat] We are screwed! Michael: There ya go.
[after purposefully crashing into a car] Kat Stratford: Whoops.
Patrick: Ooh, see that, there. Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?
Patrick: What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?
Walter Stratford: You know fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. When you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game. Kat Stratford: *When* I go? Walter Stratford: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a check. [Kat gasps in surprise, then hugs her father]
Patrick: Was that a yes? Kat Stratford: No. Patrick: Well, then, was that a no? Kat Stratford: No.
Mr. Morgan: [after reading Shakespearean sonnet] Now, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy, but he knows his shit, so we can overlook that. I want you all to write your own version of this sonnet. [Kat raises her hand in the background] Mr. Morgan: Yes, Miss "I Have An Opinion About Everything"?
Mr. Morgan: All right, not that I give a damn, but how was everybody's weekend? Joey: Oh, I dunno, maybe we should ask Kat? Mr. Morgan: Unless she kicked the crap outta your dumb butt, I don't wanna hear about it!
Kat Stratford: [drunk. Leans in close to Patrick] Hey... your eyes have a little green in them. [Patrick smiles momentarily, then Kat vomits at his feet]
[Mr. Stratford makes Bianca wear a pregnancy belly before leaving for a party, Patrick arrives and sees her] Patrick: [to Kat] Who knocked up your sister?
Ms. Perky: So, I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class... again. Kat Stratford: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action. Ms. Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested. Kat Stratford: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
Kat Stratford: Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half of his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.
Patrick: Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I'm sure you've thought about me naked, huh? Kat Stratford: [sarcastically] Am I that transparent? I want you, I *need* you, oh baby, oh baby.
Walter Stratford: Do you know what happens at proms? Bianca: Yes. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll come home. It's not quite the crisis situation you imagine. Walter Stratford: Kissing? That's what you think happens? I've got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta all day long. Bianca: Can we, for two seconds, ignore the fact that you're severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy? Walter Stratford: What's normal? Those damn... Dawson's river kids sleeping in each other's beds and what not? Bianca: Daddy that is so not... Walter Stratford: I've got news for you. I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. Mamma didn't raise no fool.
Michael: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.
[when asked if he'll date Katarina] Wimpy Loser: Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?
Mr. Morgan: I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle-class suburban oppression. Must be tough. But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better... lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them WHY they can't buy a book written by a black man! White Rastas: That's right mon! Mr. Morgan: Don't even get me started on you two! White Rastas: [Mumble to themselves]
Ms. Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual. Patrick: Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, hit the lights? Ms. Perky: Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria? Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst. Ms. Perky: Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist? Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!
Mr. Chapin: You look pretty nervous. kid in detention: Yes, sir. Mr. Chapin: You're sweating like a pig. kid in detention: Yes, sir. Mr. Chapin: You're eyes are all... bloodshot. kid in detention: Yes, sir. Mr. Chapin: You've got pot, don't you? [the kid pulls out a bag] Mr. Chapin: I'm confiscating this. [walks away and sees Cheetos on another students desk] Mr. Chapin: This too.
Walter Stratford: My insurance does not cover PMS! Kat Stratford: Well then, tell them I had a seizure.
Bianca: But she's a mutant! What if she never dates? Walter Stratford: Then you'll never date. Oh, I like that.
Walter Stratford: I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!
Patrick: Hey there girly. How you doin'? Kat Stratford: Sweating like a pig actually and yourself? Patrick: Now there's a way to get a guy's attention huh? Kat Stratford: My mission in life. But, obviously I struck your fancy so you see it worked. The world makes sense again.
Kat Stratford: You are amazingly self-assured, has anyone ever told you that? Patrick: I tell myself that every day, actually.
Bianca: There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack. Chastity: But I love my Skechers. Bianca: That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
Cameron: Well, you don't know. She could, uh, she could need a day to cool off. [they all duck as a soccer ball flies past them] Patrick: Maybe two.
Michael: Alright. Uh, I talked to her; I got the scoop. Cameron: What'd she say? Michael: "Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote. Patrick: Thanks Michael. That's very comforting of you.
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like? [reaches into a jar] Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis. [they find Patrick drinking and smoking] Patrick: So what have ya got for me? Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl. Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver? Patrick: [confused] What? Michael: Nothing. Nothing. Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers. [slowly removes Patrick's cigarette] Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker. Michael: Yes. Well, just for now. Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys. Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy? Michael: H-He's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy. Cameron: Yeah. I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know. Michael: [gives him two thumbs up] You're a gorgeous guy. Cameron: [Patrick sits back down] Alright, uh, yeah, okay, here's this, uh... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of the CDs that she has in her room. Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right? Michael: Have you ever been to Club Skunk? Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night. Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right? Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets. Michael: Hey listen, assail your ears for one night. Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps. Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?
Cameron: And I'm BACK IN THE GAME!
Kat Stratford: joey never told you that we went out did he? Bianca: yeah ok... [disbelieving] Kat Stratford: in ninth, for a month Bianca: why? Kat Stratford: [sarcastically] because he was like... such a babe
Cameron: I learned French for you!
Patrick: I thought you wanted out. Cameron: Yeah, well, I did, but, uh... that was until she kissed me. Patrick: Where? Cameron: In the car.
[both speaking french] Cameron: May I offer you a parsnip? Bianca: No, you may not. Cameron: Where is my uncle's pencil? Bianca: I don't know. Maybe it is up your ass?
Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force. [Start of Shakespeare's Sonnet LVI] Patrick: Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.
Patrick: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.
Bianca: Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"? Kat Stratford: As opposed to Planet "Look At Me, Look At Me"?
Cameron: You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the alter of dignity and even the score.
Patrick: See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it!
Kat Stratford: What is it, Asshole Day?
Patrick: [while trying to get Kat go out with him] Well, the night I take you places you've never been before. Kat Stratford: Like where, the 7-11 on Broadway?
Patrick: You're gunna pay me to take out some chick? Joey: Mmhm. Patrick: How much? Joey: 20 bucks. Joey: ...fine 30. Patrick: Well, let's think about this... we go to the movies, that's 15 bucks. We get popcorn, that's 53. And she'll want raisonettes, alright? So, we're looking at 75 bucks. Joey: This isn't a negotiation. Take it or leave it trailer park. Patrick: 50 bucks and we got a deal, Fabio.
Michael: [about Bianca] What's there is a snotty little princess wearing a strategically planned sundress to make guys like us realize we can never touch her, and guys like, uh, Joey realize they want to. She, my friend, is what we will spend the rest of our lives not having, Put her in your "Spank Bank" and move on. Cameron: No, no, no! You're wrong about her. I mean, you know, not about the spanking, but the rest, you're wrong!
Kat Stratford: You don't always have to be who they want you to be, you know? Bianca: I happen to like being adored, thank you!
[talking about the prom] Kat Stratford: Can you even imagine? Who the hell would go to that antiquated mating-ritual? Mandella: I would, but I don't have a date. Kat Stratford: Do you really wanna get all dressed up, so some Drakkar Noir-wearing dexter with a boner can feel you up while you're forced to listen to a band that, by definition, blows?
Bianca: Can't you just find some blind, deaf retard to take you to the movies so I can have one date? Kat Stratford: I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just have to miss out on the witty repartee of Joey "eat me" Donner.
Patrick: Not a big talker, huh? Kat Stratford: Depends on the topic. My fenders don't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
Kat Stratford: [to Patrick - after he asks her out for the first time] Do you even know my name screwboy?
Kat Stratford: [talking to Mr. Chapin in detention] Well, now that you've seen "the plan", I'm gonna go and show "the plan" to someone else.
Mr. Morgan: Get outta my class. Kat Stratford: What? Mr. Morgan: Out. Get out! Joey: Thanks, Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan: Shut up!
Bianca: [after Kat has told her that she went out with Joey] How is it possible that I did not know about this? Kat Stratford: I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading squad would find out how tiny his dick is!
Joey: [holding up headshots] Which one do you like better? Bianca: Umm, I think I like the white shirt better. Joey: Yeah, it's-it's more... Bianca: Pensive? Joey: Damn, I was going for thoughtful.
Bianca: You don't buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
Bianca: People expect me to be there! Walter Stratford: Kat's not going, you're not going! Bianca: Why can't you be normal? Kat Stratford: Define normal. Bianca: Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal. Walter Stratford: What's a Bogey Lowenstein? Kat Stratford: Bogey's party is just a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless... Bianca, Chastity: ...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
Cameron: I burn, I pine, I perish. [Lucentio's line from The Taming of the Shrew Act I Scene 1] Michael: Of course you do. You know, she's beautiful and deep, I'm sure.
Walter Stratford: What are the two house rules? Number One: No dating till you graduate. Number Two: No dating till you graduate.
Ms. Perky: Nine schools in ten years. My, my. Army brat? Cameron: Yeah, my-my dad is, uh... Ms. Perky: That's enough. I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old schools. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere. Cameron: Excuse me? D-Did you just say... Am I in the right office? Ms. Perky: Not any more you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
Patrick: And I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl... I think.
Bianca: You're asking me out? That's so cute! What's your name again?
Kat Stratford: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
Ms. Perky: [writing her novel] Undulating with desire, Adrian removes her red... [breaks concentration, chooses another word] Ms. Perky: crimson cape, at the site of Reginal's stiff and... Judith! What's another word for "engorged"? Judith: [disgusted] I'll look it up. Ms. Perky: Okay. [thinking of word] Ms. Perky: Swollen... Turgid... Kat Stratford: [enters] Tumescent? Ms. Perky: Perfect!
Michael: These delusionals are your White Rastas. Uh, they're big Marley fans, they think they're black, semi-political, but mostly... Cameron: Smoke a lot of weed?
Michael: I have a dick on my face, don't I?
Patrick: I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing out that window, I tell you. So, how did you keep him distracted? Kat Stratford: I dazzled him with my... wits.
[Two guys are fighting in his house, making a mess] Bogey Lowenstien: You guys, please! Take it outside! [They smash through a window] Bogey Lowenstien: Thank you!
Walter Stratford: And I'll get to sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren't out being impregnated.
Bogey Lowenstien: [the doorbell rings] That must be Nigel with the brie.
Walter Stratford: You're 18, you don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want 'til you're 45, and even if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.
Joey: [to Patrick after Kat backs into his car when he won't move it out her way] Watching that bitch violate my car doesn't count as a date.
Kat Stratford: Oh wait... was that... did your hairline just recede?
Kat Stratford: I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member. Ms. Perky: "Quivering member." I like that.
Joey: Your sister here? Kat Stratford: Stay away from my sister. Joey: Oh, I'll stay away from your sister, but I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.
Mandella: Have you seen him? Kat Stratford: Who? Mandella: William. He asked me to meet him here. Kat Stratford: Oh Mandella, please tell me you haven't progressed to full-on hallucinations.
Bianca: Has the fact that you're completely psycho managed to escape your attention?
Michael: I'm thinking of getting a Tercel. Yeah, that's a Toyota.
Kat Stratford: You're looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective. We're making a statement. Mandella: Oh goody, something new and different for us!
Kat Stratford: Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?
Patrick: I was watching you out there, before. I've never seen you look so sexy.
Patrick: What is it with this chick, she have beer flavored nipples? Cameron: Hey!
Walter Stratford: I know who you wanna bend the rules for. It's that hot-rod Joey. Bianca: What's a hot-rod?
Bianca: You suck! Kat Stratford: [Mocking Bianca] You suck!
Joey: Are you lost? Michael: No, actually I just came by to chat. Joey: We don't chat.
[Patrick is refusing to help Cameron go out with Bianca] Patrick: Joey can plough whatever he wants. Cameron: [angrily] Hey! There will be no ploughing!
Kat Stratford: You're not as vile as I thought you were.
Bianca: Can we for two seconds ignore the fact that you're severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy? Walter Stratford: What's normal? Those damn Dawson's River kids, sleeping in each other's beds and whatnot?