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Hysterical Californians prepare for a Japanese invasion in the days after Pearl Harbor.
[last lines] Sergeant Frank Tree: You know, this year wasn't the big year of the war, '41. I think the really big year is going to be 1942. Major General Joseph W. Stillwell: [sighs] It's gonna be a long war.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: This isn't the state of California, it's a state of insanity.
Wally Stephens: I've learned a very important lesson today; I'll never shop east of Beverly Hills.
Major General Joseph W. Stillwell: Bombs! I don't hear any bombs! Now they're up there. They came all the way from Asia. Don't you think they'd bring a few bombs along?
[reporting over the radio on a riot at the USO] Raoul Lipschitz: Ladies and gentlemen, every where I look... soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting Marines! Directly in front of me, I see a flying blond floozy! Everywhere I look... everywhere, pure pandemonium... pandemonium!
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Identify yourself! Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Captain Wild Bill Kelso, United States Army Air Corps. Where the hell am I? Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Barstow. Where are you coming from? Captain Wild Bill Kelso: San Francisco... been chasing a Jap squadron for a day and a half. I lost 'em somewhere over Fresno. Telephone Operator: I'm from Moline, Illinois. Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Tough Shit.
Hollis P. Wood: You won't get shit out of me. I've been constipated all week!
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: To Hollywood... and glory!
[first lines] Title Card: On December 7, 1941, the Naval Air Arm of the Imperial Japanese Fleet, in a surprise attack, struck the United States Naval Base at Pearl Harbor and hurtled an unsuspecting America into World War II. Title Card: American citizens were stunned, shocked and outraged at this treacherous attack. On the West Coast, paranoia gripped the entire population as panic-stricken citizens were convinced that California was the next target of the Imperial Japanese Forces. Title Card: Major General Joseph W. Stilwell, Commander of the Army Third Corps, was given the responsibility of defending Southern California. Army and Marine units were mobilized. Anti-aircraft defense batteries were manned and made ready. Civilian Defense operations sprang into action. Title Card: For the first time since the Civil War, American citizens prepared to defend their homeland against an enemy whose first assault was expected anywhere, at any time, and in any force...
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: War nerves? Who said war nerves? The Patron: I heard it on that radio there. [Kelso shoots the radio] Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Radio's wrong.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [to Birkhead, ignoring the dirt-covered corporal who pulls up in front of them at the movie theater] Come on. I don't want to miss Dumbo.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [after the failed B-17 tryst] Oh, Donna you can't do this to me, you don't know what I've been through today! Donna Stratton: [hair slightly astray under her hat, looking very annoyed] Loomis, my father was a drill sergeant in the Marine Corps. [balls up her fist] Donna Stratton: And he taught me how to defend myself. Now *leave* me *alone*. Captain Loomis Birkhead: Donna, please - [she hits him in the face, and he falls back onto the controls, releasing a bomb onto the ground]
Sergeant Frank Tree: You shouldn't touch the ordnance at all. Sergeant Frank Tree: But more specifically, you should never pull this hand-operating lever to the rear. Ward Douglas: Never. Sergeant Frank Tree: Do not push a clip of ammunition down into the feed rollers here. Ward Douglas: No Sir, never. Sergeant Frank Tree: You never restore this lever to firing position. Do not make sure that this cover is completely closed. Ward Douglas: No Sir. Sergeant Frank Tree: Never depress operator's foot triggers here, here and at the rear here. Ward Douglas: [Repeats this later word for word, including the "not" and "never" parts, when he prepares to fire that gun at the Japanese submarine]
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [Exit in a hurry] General Joseph W. Stilwell: That is the craziest son of a bitch I've ever seen.
Raoul Lipschitz: I'd like to thank all the GI's for helping make tonight's evening such a... a memorable occasion. Maybe in the future we can have some Negroes come in and we'll stage a race riot... right here.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Kid, you gotta get that sub. Wally Stephens: What sub? Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The Jap sub. Wally Stephens: Where? Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The ocean, lame-o.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: You can't have an air raid without bombs!
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: This has not been honorable...
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: Real japs? Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Nah, wooden japs, Cheetah, what do you think?
Claude Crumn: Turn off those lights, you little asshole!
Sergeant Frank Tree: [addressing the rioting crowd] You think the Krauts believe in Walt Disney? Crowd: Yeah! Sergeant Frank Tree: Yeah, well, was that Mickey Mouse I saw blitzkrieging across France? Crowd: No! Sergeant Frank Tree: Pluto in Poland? Crowd: No! Sergeant Frank Tree: Or Donald Duck at Pearl Harbor? Crowd: No!
Japanese soldier: [trying to squeeze a large radio into the sub] We've got to figure out how to make these things smaller!
Donna Stratton: You get me up in that plane, then we'll talk about forward thrust.
Sergeant Frank Tree: If there's one thing I can't stand seeing, it's Americans fighting Americans.
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: [in German; subtitled] The Fuehrer was right! There is no place in the Third Reich for you yellow swine! Colonel Akiro Mitamura: [in Japanese; subtitled] You can take your "Third Reich" and shove it up your ass!
Sergeant Frank Tree: This war's been going on for the last ten years. You had your Japs in Manchuria in 1931, the Eyeties in Ethiopia in 1935, and the Krauts have been blitzkrieging your favorite European tourist attractions for the last three years! Now, last year in Africa, it took General O'Connor and his British tanks two months to grab Libya, and it took Rommel twelve days to get it back!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: You know son, Col. Maddox is mad. Cpl. Mizerany: He is?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [kneeling down as he spots Donna from a distance] Is that the general's new secretary? Pvt. DuBois: Yeah, she just came in from HQ. Not bad, huh? Captain Loomis Birkhead: [incredulous] Not bad? She's a goddess, DuBois, a goddamn goddess! That is Donna Stratton! I knew her back in Washington. She has got this thing for planes. Pvt. DuBois: One of those real high flying types, huh? Captain Loomis Birkhead: I've never seen anything like it... she's got *planes* on the *brain*!
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Hold your fire, pass it on.
[to Betty, before she leaves for the USO] Ward Douglas: I don't know what they've told you down at the USO, but you're going to be meeting a lot of strange men. Men in uniform. Boys a long way from home, lonely, desperate. They really have one thing on their minds. Show 'em a good time.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [shooting a plane out of the sky] Sayonara, suckers!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [after parking his fighter plane in front of a gas station with the engine running] Fill her up! Ethel! Gas Mama: Where?
[Looking at the Japanese sub through binoculars] Angelo Scioli: Hey, there's a Kraut on board too. We got the whole damn Axis here.
Wally Stephens: Hey Betty, look! There's Officer Miller! That's the flatfoot who sent me up the river! [Officer Miller is seen talking to a few people] Officer Miller: I'm telling you, I saw those sons of Nip coming up the beach right now... [the tank rumbles past Miller and the people] Wally Stephens: Hey Miller, look at me! Officer Miller: [shouts] Wally? Wally Stephens: Hey copper, don't you know there's a blackout? Turn out your lights! [Wally opens fire at Officer Miller's police car, destroying it]
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: [in German, to Hollis P. Wood who is on the toilet] Now you WILL shit! That is an order!
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [to Donna] It's big. The biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you? I mean it can stay up for a long time. A very long time. And it's built firm and solid. Because it has to be. Because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [Donna has his uniform open and is trying to tear off his T-shirt; he is *still* too focused on actually flying the plane] Donna - Donna would you lay off? I'm trying to steer! Donna Stratton: [upset and frustrated] What's wrong, Loomis? You're not airborne yet! Captain Loomis Birkhead: What are you talking about? Look out the window, of course we're airborne! Donna Stratton: We are, but - [looks down at his pants then straight in the eye] Donna Stratton: but you're not. [kisses him passionately]
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Come back, plane! [chases after his plane, shooting his gun off in the air]
Betty Douglas: Wally!
Hollis P. Wood: [after seeing Captain von Kleinschmidt enter] Jesus Palomino, a Nazi! I knew it, you're all in cahoots! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Heinie Kraut, I fought your kind in the Great War, and we kicked the living shit out of you!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [arriving at a movie theater] Ah, "Dumbo". Sure be good to get my mind off things for a while.
Sergeant Frank Tree: [addressing the rioting crowd] Look at Santy Claus; isn't he cute? Crowd: Yeah! Sergeant Frank Tree: You think the Japanese believe in Santy Claus? Crowd: No! Sergeant Frank Tree: Well, instead of turkey for your Christmas dinner, how would you like to have raw fish heads and rice? Crowd: No!
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Let me hear your guns! Captain Wild Bill Kelso: My what? Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Your guns! Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack! Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [fires his airplane's guns] AHHHH!
Hollis P. Wood: Banzai, my balls!
Donna Stratton: [smiling mischievously, Donna takes off her hat and lets her hair down, staring at Loomis intently, who is transfixed on flying the plane] This thing handles pretty well, even if it's not a B-17. But... [moves over to him, unbuckles his front belt] Donna Stratton: does it have much *range*, Loomis? Captain Loomis Birkhead: [too tightly focused on flying the plane] Huh? Donna Stratton: [caressing his face] I mean, do you think it'll stay *up* for a long time? [starts sucking on his ear, feels up his chest] Captain Loomis Birkhead: [still too tightly focused on flying the plane] Sure. Hell, we've used less than a quarter of a tank of gas already. [his head jerks out the window for a moment] Captain Loomis Birkhead: Look! We're already over the Riverside County Reservoir! [she ignores him and starts kissing his cheek and caressing his chin]
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Destroy that industrial complex!
Private Foley: Now Sarge, what is the loading and firing procedure for the 75-millimeter cannon? Sergeant Frank Tree: [delirious] There are five basic components... Private Foley: This is it, pay attention. Sergeant Frank Tree: ...to the new General Electric refrigerator: one, the freon compressor, two, the freon tube...
Japanese soldier: [while the radio is tapped into the USO dance] Sir, Hollywood! Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Lock onto that signal. We will follow it and blow the shit out of something big.
Wally Stephens: [Wally and Stretch have just unexpectedly "run into" each other] You! Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: [furious, pointing at Wally] YOU! Ward Douglas: [running up, shouts at Wally] You! Sergeant Frank Tree: [also to Wally, but more casually] You... have a serious wardrobe problem, kid.
Sergeant Frank Tree: [to the rioting crowd] What the hell do you people think you're doing? You're acting like a bunch of Tojo stooges! What do you wanna do, put Yamamoto in the White House? The Axis is crawling like a slime all over Europe! I can't believe it, Americans fighting Americans! We got the lousy Huns to fight!
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: [to Hollis Wood] Where Hollywood? Hollis P. Wood: Right here. Colonel Akiro Mitamura: What? Hollis P. Wood: You're looking at him. Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Who? Hollis P. Wood: Hollis Wood. Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Where? Hollis P. Wood: I'm right here! Shoot, can't ya understand plain English? Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Hollywood? Hollis P. Wood: Huh? Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Where? Hollis P. Wood: Here! [Mitamura opens up a map and shows it to Hollis] Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Look. Where Hollywood? North? South? Hollis P. Wood: Oh! You want me to tell you where Hollywood is! Well, shoot, that's easy. Hollywood is... [suddenly, he realizes the truth about this] Hollis P. Wood: Oh, no, you don't. You thought you was gonna get me to show you where Hollywood was, didn't ya? Tried to sneak up on us, like ya did at Pearl Harbor! Bet you're gonna bomb John Wayne's house, ain't ya?
Wally Stephens: I know I can't beat you in a fair fight. Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: [scoffs] Stupid, I don't fight fair. Wally Stephens: Neither do I! [kicks Stretch in the crotch, then hits him across the face with a gun belt. Stretch smiles dumbly for a second then falls over]
Hollis P. Wood: How can a man take a bowel movement with a hundred buffalo rifles a-pointin' at him?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [after the reporter runs off] I tell ya, DuBois, there are drawbacks to being a general's aide. I mean, the general could have been a few minutes later, now couldn't he? Pvt. DuBois: Well, it is wartime, sir, we all have to make sacrifices.
Donna Stratton: [Loomis is all over her, but briefly breaks away to steer the plane; exhausted] Is the target in sight yet, Loomis? Captain Loomis Birkhead: Oh, it will be, j-just as soon as I make it through these... [stares at her breasts] Captain Loomis Birkhead: hills. [starts kissing her again]
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: [laughing at Foley, who is covered in black powder] Hey, hey, hey, get to the back of the tank! [laughs maniacally]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Sir, you don't have any *bombers* here, do you, sir? Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Bombers? Son, if I had bombers I'd be bombin' the *hell* out of them right now! [Maddox and his men start laughing madly] Donna Stratton: [looking around; whispers to herself] No planes? Captain Loomis Birkhead: [to himself] Boy am I in trouble now... Colonel "Madman" Maddox: [signals for the laughing to stop] Hell, son, the only plane I've got around here is that old shit on a shingle trainer sittin' right over there. [soldiers pull down tarp to reveal an older plane; Donna's face lights up at the sight of it, as Loomis looks over to her for approval] Donna Stratton: [nodding and whispering her approval] It's fine, it's fine. Let's go!
[repeated line] Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: I hate eggs.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [annoyed] Where's Birkhead? He's supposed to have my lunch. Donna Stratton: [whistling, dreamy] B-17. Mmm... [heads for the B-17 with a dreamy smile on her face] Captain Loomis Birkhead: No man has ever gotten to first base with her on the ground. But get her up in a plane, she'll bat your balls right out of the park.
Hollis P. Wood: You sneaky little bastards aren't getting doodly-shit from me, except maybe my name, rank, and Social Security number: Wood, Hollis P., Lumberjack, Social Security 106-43-2185.
Donna Stratton: General Stilwell, Colonel Grant suggests dispatching guard units to all the city reservoirs. Intelligence suspects that fifth columnists are going to pour poison into the water supply. General Joseph W. Stilwell: And G-2 should pour knockout drops into the water supply. Maybe the people of the city would calm down and leave the war to the Army.
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