Chris Parker agrees to babysit after her "dread" date stands her up. Expecting a dull evening, Chris settles down with three kids for a night of TV... and boredom. But when her frantic ... See full summary¬†¬Ľ

Chris: Hi. Um... My name is Chris Parker. I live in Oak Park. That's a suburb.
Brad: They probably figured that out. Ha.
Chris: This is Brad, Sara and Daryl. And we're in trouble.
Daryl: Ain't no doubt.
Chris: See, me and my boyfriend Mike, tonight's our anniversary. But then he went and cancelled. And now I'm stuck watching these three. And it's so hard...!
Albert Collins: And it's so hard!
Chris: Babysitting these guys.
Band: She's got the...
Chris: I got this call from Brenda. I went to pick her up. The tire had a blowout. And my mom's car got shot up.
Sarah: And these guys started to chase us.
Brad: And we all got hijacked. Ha!
Daryl: We're cruising down the highway.
Chris: In this big ol' Cadillac. And it's so hard!
Albert Collins: And it's so hard!
Chris: Babysitting these guys.
Albert Collins: She got the babysitting blues.
Band: Baby, baby. Babysitting blues.
Chris: I've got the babysitting blues.
Albert Collins: There's nights you swear you were born to lose. Like tonight. And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.
Chris: Some guys are out to get us.
Daryl: And Brenda's probably dead.
Brad: We ain't got a nickel.
Albert Collins: And they should be in bed! And you outta luck.
Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.
Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.
Gang Leader: Don't fuck with the Lords of Hell.
[Chris picks up the knife and shoves it in the gang leader's face]
Chris: Don't fuck with the babysitter.
[Brenda has been at the bus station downtown for so long, she's starving. She tentatively approaches a hot dog vendor]
Brenda: Uh, those are hot dogs, right?
Hot Dog Vendor: Yeah, want one?
Brenda: Mmm, yeah I'd love one.
Hot Dog Vendor: That'll be two bucks.
Hot Dog Vendor: [Brenda hands him a check, he stares incredulously] A check?
Brenda: Yeah, but it's a good check. See, Chris' mom wrote it to Chris 'cause Chris bought her something, I can't remember what. Then I bought Chris some press-on nails, I gave Chris the difference, and she wrote the check over to me. So I'll write the check over to you, you keep the difference, and I'll take the hot dog. So, you got a pen?
Hot Dog Vendor: Get outta here!
Brenda: Wait! I'm starving, you'd rather throw it away than give it to me?
Hot Dog Vendor: I work on a cash-only basis.
Brenda: But it's a perfectly good check!
Hot Dog Vendor: No! I'll make it very clear. you slip me the cash, and I'll slip you the weiner.
Brenda: But I don't have any cash!
Hot Dog Vendor: Then I don't have a weiner!
Daryl: Mike what?
Chris: Mike what what?
Daryl: Mike what what what are we talking about? What's his last name?
Chris: Toddwell. Are you writing a book?
Daryl: Mike Toddwell? Do you know him?
Brad: They go out.
Daryl: He's got a red Camaro, right?
Chris: Oh, gee, Daryl, are you a gear head and a sex fiend? Anyway, a lot of people have Camaros.
Daryl: Yeah, but do a lot of people have the license plate "So Cool"?
Chris: That's Mike.
Daryl: He's the guy who beat me up last summer for touching his car, which I didn't do.
Brad: That was him?
Daryl: That was him!
Chris: Mike wouldn't do that.
Daryl: Yes, he would!
Chris: He would not.
Daryl: Yes, he would. He did. He kicked my ass. Wanna see the footprint?
Chris, Brad, Sarah: No!
Chris: Who was at the door?
Brad: Stray dog.
[in a telephone booth in the bus station]
Brenda: Chris I'm begging you, it's really scary here. I've just seen three people shoot up, a bald Chinese lady with no pants on, and there's this old guy outside who wants his bedroom slippers!
Old Man: [banging on telephone booth] Get out of my house!
Brenda: [kicks out a small box and the guy's slippers] You just moved!
Chris: Now boys, if either of you give me any grief I swear to God I'll kill you. Dead, murdered, stabbed.
Daryl: Raped?
Chris: I'm too old for this crap.
Brad: [to Mike] You're such a loser.
Daryl: Here we go again.
Brad: I can only dream about having somebody like Chris as a girlfriend, but you've got her, and you treat her like this?
Mike: Don't waste your time, half pint. Her legs are locked together at the knee.
Brad: [grabs him by the collar] I'd love to hit you. I'd love to pound on your face!
Mike: Yeah? Go ahead.
Brad: But I won't. You're so slimy, I won't sink to your level.
Daryl: I will.
[kicks Mike]
Albert Collins: Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.
Dan Lynch: [two drunk guys approach Chris asking her to sign their copy of Playboy because she bears a striking resemblance to Miss March aka Chaylene] ... Shes not Chaylene. Think about it... Do you honestly think a Playboy centerfold would have nothing better to do on a night like this than show up at a Kappa party with a bunch of kids?
Drunk at Party: ...Yea.
Dan Lynch: Where is your brain?
Chris: What should I do?
Sarah: Get in the car and run him over.
Chris: So, when the babysitter looked more closely at the kids, she saw that... THEY HAD NO FACES!
Sarah: Oh my God!
Chris: Just a pool of mushy goo!
Sarah: Like Spaghetti-O's?
Chris: Spaghetti-O's with meat!
Brad: Daryl, why are you hugging me?
Daryl: Brad, don't you ever die on me! Ever!
Brad: O.K. I won't.
Bleak: [responding to Mrs. Anderson at the buffet table, incredulous] Caterer?
Daryl: The chick is losing it.
Chris: I am not!
Sarah: [to Daryl and Brad] You guys want some candy?
[Brad takes the chocolate bar from Sara. Chris turns and knocks the candy bar from his hands]
Chris: Brad, no chocolate! Your acne! Sara. It is time for your cough syrup. Daryl, fasten the seat belt!
Sarah: She's definitely losing it.
Chris: I am not losing anything, I am still in control here! Got it?
Janitor #1: Put the animal down.
Brenda: Why?
Janitor #2: We gotta kill it!
Brenda: [shocked] What? You monsters! Why would you want to kill a poor defenseless little kitten?
Janitor #2: Kitten?
[both janitors start laughing loudly]
Janitor #1: This ain't no kitten, kid.
Janitor #2: That's a jumbo-sized sewer rat!
[camera goes down to see that they are right, and Brenda screams hysterically]
Daryl: Did you steal all of these cars?
Joe Gipp: Yeah. It gets me some good money.
Daryl: Isn't it kind of dangerous?
Joe Gipp: Hey, I like danger, all right?
Chris: You should try babysitting.
Chris: Babysitting blues.
Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.
Chris: Babysitting blues.
Albert Collins: Now, there're nights
Chris: You swear you were born to lose. Yeah!
Albert Collins: Like tonight.
Chris, Albert Collins: And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.
Albert Collins: Some guys are out to get them. And the girls's probably dead. She ain't got a nickel.
Sarah, Brad, Daryl: And we should be in bed!
Albert Collins: You're outta luck.
Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.
Everybody: Baby, baby.
Chris: Babysitting blues.
Everybody: Baby, baby.
Chris: Babysitting blues.
Brad: [to Joe Gipp] Sir. Would you please take us to the next corner, and drop us off?
Joe Gipp: [chuckling] In this neighborhood? Hey, I wouldn't even get out of the car in this neighborhood.
Brad: Could you drop us off at the nearest mall?
Joe Gipp: A mall? Where y'all think we're at, Boise, Idaho? Shooo!
College Girl: I'm so lonely!
Daryl: How could a righteous babe like you be lonely?
College Girl: That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me!
Daryl: Really?
College Girl: Wanna go to bed?
Nurse: Dr. Nuhkbane, the guy with the stab wounds just died.
Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh dear.
Chris: Oh, Doctor, we're looking for our friend.
Dr. Nuhkbane: Your friend? Which one is he?
Chris: Um, he's the one with the stab wounds.
Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh dear.
Chris: What?
Dr. Nuhkbane: I'm sorry. Your friend is dead.
Sarah: Dead?
Daryl: Dead?
Chris: Dead?
[Chris faints]
Sarah: [about Dawson] Its Thor!
Brad: No it's no not Sara.
Sarah: [to Dawson] Don't listen to him, he says you're a homo.
Dawson: [Angrily grabs Brad by shirt] You spreading lies about me, kid?
Brad: [Nervously] Who, me? Never!
Chris: [to Joe Gipp] Where are we going?
Daryl: To hell! Kind of exciting, don't you think?
Daryl: You gotta be shittin me.
Chris: Watch your mouth!
Daryl: Watch my mouth? You gotta be shittin me!
Sarah: Hey, wait! I know why you aren't acting like yourself. You don't have your special helmet!
[off the look Dawson gives her]
Sarah: See you have the baseball cap, but you're supposed to be wearing this
[takes off her Thor helmet]
Sarah: Here, take mine. Go on, take it!
Dawson: You're giving this to me?
Sarah: Well, yeah, you're my hero!
Dawson: [Smiles] Here. Here, take the car.
[Tosses Chris the keys]
Sarah: Thanks, Thor.
Dawson: Hey kid! I got one of these at home
[throws Sarah's helmet back]
Chris: Could I get your address so I can mail you the five dollars?
Dawson: Go!
[the group piles into the station wagon and pulls out of the Garage]
Chris: Don't worry. We'll get home. This has all just been a big mistake.
Sarah: What about Brenda?
Brad: That was her parents' mistake.
Chris: Brad? Sarah? That's not your parents' car is it?
Sarah: Yes it is!
Brad: Oh my God it is!
Daryl: What are we going to do?
Chris: Everybody duck!
[the kids duck down and drive past the Andersons]
Mrs. Anderson: Look at that lunatic! You know, Brad and Sarah are going to be driving in a couple of years and they'll be sharing the road with people like that.
Chris: Brad, how fast do your parents drive?
Brad: I don't know... forty-five?
Chris: We'll go eighty.
Sarah: [Trying to convince Chris not to leave her alone with Brad] What if the house explodes?
Chris: The house is not going to explode!
Sarah: You leave him here alone, and it will!
Daryl: What are you doing? I'm trying to get a date, you're cramping my style!
Chris: She's too old for you.
Teenage Runaway: Oh, and you're not.
Chris: Well I'm his babysitter.
Teenage Runaway: How old are you?
Chris: 17.
Teenage Runaway: Me too.
Chris: You're 17? What are you doing on the street?
Teenage Runaway: I ran away from home.
Chris: [remembering why they came into the city in the first place] BRENDA!
Daryl: Brad, you wouldn't believe what that girl would do for twenty bucks!
Brad: Where we gonna get 50 bucks?
Sarah: We could sell Daryl. You think?
Chris: Just relax, Chris, tonight is going to be the greatest night of your life.
Mrs. Parker: That was Mrs. Anderson, she wants to know if you can babysit tonight.
Chris: [sees the look Brenda gives her] No, tell her I can't.
Mrs. Parker: Why not?
Chris: Because I want to sit at home and be depressed.
Brenda: Oh, sit for the Andersons, that'll depress anyone.
Chris: Mom, I'm too old to babysit.
Chris: I don't think your parents will ever ask me to babysit again.
Brad: If they do, I'd ask them for a buck more an hour.
Dr. Nuhkbane: There you are, one stitch, all better.
Brad: One stitch?
Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh, yes, one stitch.
Brad: My only shot at ever being in a gang fight and all I get is one stitch? Chris is gonna think I'm a total failure!
Old Man: Get outta my house!
Chris: What do you want?
John Pruitt: I just want to help you.
Daryl: Don't listen to him, he just wants to scrape our faces off.
Brad: I just think you should give other guys a chance.
Chris: Like who?
Sarah: Don't say it! Don't say it!
Brad: Like me?
[Chris laughs]
Brad: What's so funny?
Chris: Well, it's just that... you're just a child.
Brad: And you're just a girl in love with an asshole.
Chris: Brad...
Brad: Forget it!
Brad: Uh... where's the spare?
Daryl: Maybe it's on the car... you think?
Daryl: Ya think?
Daryl: Don't touch it! It could get infected, Jesus! He could get anything - Tetanus, rabies, scabies, emphysema!
Chris: He's with Sesame Plexer! Oooh! She's such a sleeze!
Daryl: He dumps you for some easy chick, and you get a night of hell. That doesn't seem very fair to me.
Chris: Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Daryl: This, I gotta see.
Mike: You know, Ses. Girls like you come along once in a lifetime.
Chris: Or twice in one night.
Mike: Oh wow.
Chris: How's your sister? Is she all better? You lied.
Mike: No, I didn't!
Chris: [Yelling] Don't lie!
Mike: Get a grip! Jesus!
John Pruitt: Good luck Babysitter!
Chris: You too Mr. Pruitt!
Brad: [about Daryl] Why do I get this funny feeling we're never going to see him again?
Mike: Girls like you come along once in a lifetime.
Bleak: Take the Brady Bunch upstairs. We'll deal with them after the meeting.
John Pruitt: My wife called the cops, I got a little banged up.
Daryl: How's the car, is the car alright?
John Pruitt: Yeah, the car's fine. I got it down at Dawson's Garage, I paid to fix the windshield, that was my fault, but Dawson's gonna make you pay for the tire.
Brad: How much?
John Pruitt: Fifty bucks.
Chris: [shocked] Fifty bucks?
John Pruitt: Yeah, fifty bucks!
Daryl: This is weird.
Chris: You're weird.

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