Airheads Quotes
Three band members hoping for a big break head to a radio station to play their demo tape and wind up holding everyone hostage with plastic guns when the head DJ refuses to play them.
[their first attempt at opening the back door fails]
Pip: Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.
Rex: Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?
Pip: What? The door's locked!
Rex: Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.
Pip: That's not true.
Rex: It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.
Pip: [yelling] He's making this up.
Chazz: [yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.
[Rex slaps Pip]
Pip: [loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.
Rex: Hey, Pip...
[gives Pip the finger]
Pip: Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.
Rex: Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?
Pip: What? The door's locked!
Rex: Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.
Pip: That's not true.
Rex: It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.
Pip: [yelling] He's making this up.
Chazz: [yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.
[Rex slaps Pip]
Pip: [loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.
Rex: Hey, Pip...
[gives Pip the finger]
Rex: We're gonna take the cops up on those demands they wanted.
Pip: We got a killer list goin'.
Rex: Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.
Chazz: Where'd this come from?
Rex: Pip's idea.
Chazz: Way to go, Pip.
Pip: We got a killer list goin'.
Rex: Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.
Chazz: Where'd this come from?
Rex: Pip's idea.
Chazz: Way to go, Pip.
Marcus: Milo, didn't I tell you to knock when you come to my office?
Milo: Just keep quiet and get that reel-to-reel deck down to the booth.
Marcus: Oh, gonna tell me to shut up now? Uh-huh, uh-huh. See, a brother can't open his mouth without the white man slap him down.
Milo: Just do it, Marcus.
[Milo steps aside to reveal Rex holding a gun]
Marcus: Damn.
Milo: Just keep quiet and get that reel-to-reel deck down to the booth.
Marcus: Oh, gonna tell me to shut up now? Uh-huh, uh-huh. See, a brother can't open his mouth without the white man slap him down.
Milo: Just do it, Marcus.
[Milo steps aside to reveal Rex holding a gun]
Marcus: Damn.
[Chazz's tape, which Kayla had dropped in the middle of the road earlier, is now in bad shape]
Chazz: Oh, whoa. What happened to this?
Kayla: It fell off the nightstand.
Chazz: [as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?
Rex: I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!
Kayla: I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.
Rex: Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?
Chazz: Oh, whoa. What happened to this?
Kayla: It fell off the nightstand.
Chazz: [as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?
Rex: I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!
Kayla: I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.
Rex: Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?
Chazz: [Carl has grabbed Kayla and is trying to humiliate Chazz in front of the entire Audience by calling him "Chester"] Hey, you stay out of this and get your hands off her!
Kayla: Why did he call you that?
Carl Mace: There's a lot that Chester didn't tell you about, right, Chester?
Rex: What's he talking about Chazz?
Chazz: Um... Kayla, I...
Chazz: It's... uh, he's... awww shit. Kayla, there's something I gotta tell ya. Um... I was a geek in high school. I had really short hair, I played "Dungeons and Dragons", I had a bug collection, I ate my Boogers. My name's not Chazz... it's Chester, and I understand if You don't love me, anymore.
D & D Rocker: I played D & D, too!
School Newspaper Rocker: I was editor of the school magazine!
Corduroy Rocker: I used to wear corduroy pants!
Masturbating Rocker: I used to masturbate... constantly!
[His two friends start hitting him]
Kayla: Why did he call you that?
Carl Mace: There's a lot that Chester didn't tell you about, right, Chester?
Rex: What's he talking about Chazz?
Chazz: Um... Kayla, I...
Chazz: It's... uh, he's... awww shit. Kayla, there's something I gotta tell ya. Um... I was a geek in high school. I had really short hair, I played "Dungeons and Dragons", I had a bug collection, I ate my Boogers. My name's not Chazz... it's Chester, and I understand if You don't love me, anymore.
D & D Rocker: I played D & D, too!
School Newspaper Rocker: I was editor of the school magazine!
Corduroy Rocker: I used to wear corduroy pants!
Masturbating Rocker: I used to masturbate... constantly!
[His two friends start hitting him]
[Rex is trying to teach Pip how to intimidate the hostages]
Rex: [Punches Pip in the arm] I'm not scared, Pip. Come on.
Pip: I'm gonna stab your heads off!
Rex: [Prompting] With what? With what?
Pip: [yells] With my DICK!
Rex: Yeah!
Pip: Yeah! And blood's gonna come out of your head! And there's nothing you can do about it! Cause I'm a MAD MAN! Heh heh.
Rex: [Punches Pip in the arm] I'm not scared, Pip. Come on.
Pip: I'm gonna stab your heads off!
Rex: [Prompting] With what? With what?
Pip: [yells] With my DICK!
Rex: Yeah!
Pip: Yeah! And blood's gonna come out of your head! And there's nothing you can do about it! Cause I'm a MAD MAN! Heh heh.
[the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]
Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?
Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.
Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.
[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]
Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?
Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.
Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.
[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]
Ian: You're on the air!
Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.
Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?
Chazz: So, what do you guys want?
Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?
Chazz: Yes.
Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!
Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!
Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.
Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!
Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.
Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?
Chazz: So, what do you guys want?
Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?
Chazz: Yes.
Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!
Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!
Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.
Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!
[first lines]
Ian: [on the air] Oh yeah! That was for all you pinheads out there too hip to take off your leather jackets in this 95 degree heat. Now I know when the weather gets like this it brings all you nut bags out of the wood pile. And since I am a trouble magnet, I have one thing to say to you bozos, and that is, back off. Here's the Sons of Thunder from the debut album Scrabbled Eggs and Wobbly Legs. You're listening to Ian Shock, on the station with more hair, more flair, yet so debonair, KPPX. Rebel radio-O-O-O.
Ian: [on the air] Oh yeah! That was for all you pinheads out there too hip to take off your leather jackets in this 95 degree heat. Now I know when the weather gets like this it brings all you nut bags out of the wood pile. And since I am a trouble magnet, I have one thing to say to you bozos, and that is, back off. Here's the Sons of Thunder from the debut album Scrabbled Eggs and Wobbly Legs. You're listening to Ian Shock, on the station with more hair, more flair, yet so debonair, KPPX. Rebel radio-O-O-O.
Milo: I'm gonna need you to come in tomorrow. I'm cutting loose a lot of dead weight. There's gonna be a lot going on here.
Doug Beech: Oh, boy...
Milo: Problem?
Doug Beech: Well, I've been having a little bit of itching on my, um...
[Milo waits]
Doug Beech: I mean, it could be hemorrhoids.
Milo: I don't wanna hear that.
Doug Beech: No, I know. It's just that I made an appointment with my proctologist to get some type of... cream or something.
Doug Beech: Oh, boy...
Milo: Problem?
Doug Beech: Well, I've been having a little bit of itching on my, um...
[Milo waits]
Doug Beech: I mean, it could be hemorrhoids.
Milo: I don't wanna hear that.
Doug Beech: No, I know. It's just that I made an appointment with my proctologist to get some type of... cream or something.
Marcus: 22:23 White man with a gun. Same shit been happenin' to my people for 425-odd years.
Pip: Hey, man, you like working here? We're down, man, Hendrix was god.
Marcus: You wanna take a step back, man? You're standing on my dick!
Pip: Yeah, I seen that Antrax and Public Enemy. That was outta control, together, man. Did you catch that one, G?
Marcus: Don't call me G!
Pip: What do you want me to call you? Hey, come on, man.
Marcus: All right, that's it! l can't wait for you to put that gun down, cos when you do we're gonna throw down. That's right, we gonna get serious. Mano-a-swine.
Rex: Just shut your pie-hole and keep working.
Marcus: "Pie-hole." What's that, some kind of cracker slang?
Pip: Hey, man, you like working here? We're down, man, Hendrix was god.
Marcus: You wanna take a step back, man? You're standing on my dick!
Pip: Yeah, I seen that Antrax and Public Enemy. That was outta control, together, man. Did you catch that one, G?
Marcus: Don't call me G!
Pip: What do you want me to call you? Hey, come on, man.
Marcus: All right, that's it! l can't wait for you to put that gun down, cos when you do we're gonna throw down. That's right, we gonna get serious. Mano-a-swine.
Rex: Just shut your pie-hole and keep working.
Marcus: "Pie-hole." What's that, some kind of cracker slang?
Piercing Rocker: Don't you think you're out of your league, Chunk Style?
Officer Wilson: Look, I don't wanna have to bring you boys in on a 148. That's Obstruction.
[the rocker pulls off Wilson's badge and bends it with his teeth]
Piercing Rocker: Now, what are you gonna do about that?
[Wilson yanks the rocker's nipple ring off]
Officer Wilson: Improvise.
Officer Wilson: Look, I don't wanna have to bring you boys in on a 148. That's Obstruction.
[the rocker pulls off Wilson's badge and bends it with his teeth]
Piercing Rocker: Now, what are you gonna do about that?
[Wilson yanks the rocker's nipple ring off]
Officer Wilson: Improvise.
Pip: This is never gonna work.
Chazz: Pip, damn it, what is your problem?
Pip: You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.
Rex: So what? Will you shut up?
Chazz: Just get to the point? What?
Pip: Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.
Chazz: Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?
Rex: Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.
Pip: [Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.
Pip: Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.
Rex: And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.
Pip: Still got no hair on his balls, man.
Chazz: Pip, damn it, what is your problem?
Pip: You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.
Rex: So what? Will you shut up?
Chazz: Just get to the point? What?
Pip: Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.
Chazz: Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?
Rex: Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.
Pip: [Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.
Pip: Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.
Rex: And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.
Pip: Still got no hair on his balls, man.
[Pip and Suzzi are seated on Milo's couch watching TV]
Suzzi: Pip? What are you thinking about?
Pip: Swimming pools.
Suzzi: Swimming pools, huh?
Pip: Yeah. I wish I was in one right now. The water's all clear and cool, and you spin around in there like an egg.
Suzzi: Do you have a girlfriend?
Pip: Mmm-mmm.
Suzzi: No? It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?
Pip: [Suzzi is about to kiss Pip] I don't know.
Suzzi: Pip? What are you thinking about?
Pip: Swimming pools.
Suzzi: Swimming pools, huh?
Pip: Yeah. I wish I was in one right now. The water's all clear and cool, and you spin around in there like an egg.
Suzzi: Do you have a girlfriend?
Pip: Mmm-mmm.
Suzzi: No? It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?
Pip: [Suzzi is about to kiss Pip] I don't know.
