Almost Heroes Quotes
A road comedy about 2 guys whose mission is to beat Lewis and Clark.
Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Edwards: Well, Higgins the floor is yours.
Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
Edwards: You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.
Hunt: Tell him the ending, that's the best part.
Higgins: Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.
Edwards: Clever twist there on the ending.
Edwards: Well, Higgins the floor is yours.
Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
Edwards: You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.
Hunt: Tell him the ending, that's the best part.
Higgins: Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.
Edwards: Clever twist there on the ending.
Bidwell: [returns to camp after a bear has bit off his leg] Sir, I've been to hell and back.
Edwards: Yes, I can see that...
Bidwell: I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast.
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes, sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
Bidwell: But what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.
Edwards: Yes, I can see that...
Bidwell: I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast.
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes, sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
Bidwell: But what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.
Hunt: What I remembered the most were the animals.
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
Pratt: [Talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Bidwell? Bidwell! I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell sir! He's failed to communicate with the me, by way of his ear...
Edwards: It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway! But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it!
Pratt: [Again, talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Sh... Bidwell?
Edwards: It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway! But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it!
Pratt: [Again, talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Sh... Bidwell?
Bidwell: Sir, sir. I've been to hell and back!
Edwards: Yes, I can see that!
Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast!
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen!
Bidwell: Oh, but what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet sir!
Edwards: Yes, I can see that!
Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast!
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen!
Bidwell: Oh, but what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet sir!
[a bear has come into camp]
Bidwell: My nose itches.
Hunt: Don't scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like there's a bug up in there.
Hunt: You scratch your nose. You're dead.
Bidwell: Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.
Hunt: I think it's leavin'.
Bidwell: I'm going to scratch it!
[begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg]
Bidwell: [shouts] The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!
Bidwell: My nose itches.
Hunt: Don't scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like there's a bug up in there.
Hunt: You scratch your nose. You're dead.
Bidwell: Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.
Hunt: I think it's leavin'.
Bidwell: I'm going to scratch it!
[begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg]
Bidwell: [shouts] The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!
