American Wedding Quotes
It's the wedding of Jim and Michelle and the gathering of their families and friends, including Jim's old friends from high school and Michelle's little sister.
Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.
Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.
Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.
Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.
Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.
Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.
Jim: Well, dude.
Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!
Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.
Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!
Jim: You're not invited!
Steve Stifler: Hold!
[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]
Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.
Jim: You what?
Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?
Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!
Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?
Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Jim: What?
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.
Jim: Well, dude.
Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!
Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.
Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!
Jim: You're not invited!
Steve Stifler: Hold!
[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]
Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.
Jim: You what?
Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?
Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!
Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?
Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Jim: What?
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.
Steve Stifler: Jim's getting married, isn't he? Holy fuckin' shit! This is major! Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party. Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor. Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass. Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces! Come on, buck up fellas. Show some enthusiasm. It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my god!
Jim's Dad: [Jim's father arrives at the restaurant just as Michelle is secretly giving Jim a blow job] Here's the ring, son.
Jim: Ohh.
Jim's Dad: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.
Jim: Not yet.
Jim's Dad: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.
Jim: Uh, huh.
Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here.
Jim: Not me.
Jim: Ohh.
Jim's Dad: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.
Jim: Not yet.
Jim's Dad: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.
Jim: Uh, huh.
Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here.
Jim: Not me.
[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.
[Jim is nervous before his wedding]
Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
Jim: If you were a college guy.
Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.
Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
Jim: If you were a college guy.
Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.
