America's Sweethearts Quotes
A movie publicist deals with the messy public split of his movie's co-stars while keeping reporters at bay while a reclusive director holds the film's print hostage.
Lee: [to his assistant] Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."
Kiki: You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it.
Gwen: I did not!
Kiki: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?
Gwen: Eww!
Kiki: Kyle Hassler?
Gwen: Oh, God...
Kiki: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
Gwen: That's not true.
Kiki: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
Gwen: I did not!
Kiki: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?
Gwen: Eww!
Kiki: Kyle Hassler?
Gwen: Oh, God...
Kiki: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
Gwen: That's not true.
Kiki: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
Kingman: I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the *titles*! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue."
[angrily crumples the note and hurls it to the floor]
Kingman: We *had* to make a Hal Weidmann picture!
Davis: The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
Kingman: No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years!
[angrily crumples the note and hurls it to the floor]
Kingman: We *had* to make a Hal Weidmann picture!
Davis: The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
Kingman: No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years!
Kiki: [imitating Gwen] "Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter." "Anything you want, honey." That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist, you know. Anything they want, right? She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes, she knows it, I know it. She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. Then she said, well, maybe she wanted it back, you know? She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth.
Gwen: You love me.
Eddie: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
Gwen: [to the crowd] See? He loves me.
Eddie: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
Eddie: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
Gwen: [to the crowd] See? He loves me.
Eddie: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
Leaf Weidmann: Can I defend my father's work?
Gwen: No, you cannot. Who's her father?
Lee: Hal.
Gwen: No, you cannot!
Leaf Weidmann: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
[crowd gasps]
Gwen: [to Hector] You slept with her?
Hector: No! I did not...
Gwen: You slept with her!
Hector: No! No, she is lying!
[grabs the microphone]
Hector: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
Gwen: No, you cannot. Who's her father?
Lee: Hal.
Gwen: No, you cannot!
Leaf Weidmann: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
[crowd gasps]
Gwen: [to Hector] You slept with her?
Hector: No! I did not...
Gwen: You slept with her!
Hector: No! No, she is lying!
[grabs the microphone]
Hector: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
Dave: Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Lee: [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?
Dave: I don't know. Let me think about it.
Lee: Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.
Dave: Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.
[pause]
Dave: I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.
Lee: [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?
Dave: I don't know. Let me think about it.
Lee: Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.
Dave: Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.
[pause]
Dave: I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.
Wellness Guide: This letter, Edward, is a very important part of the healing process. By writing to your mother, you afford yourself the opportunity to thank her, or forgive her, or to ask her why she did the things she did. Now we don't mail the letter, but the simple act of putting it on paper frees you, allows you to let go. Now... what did you say to your mother?
Eddie: [reading] "Dear Mom, Fuck you."
Wellness Guide: Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
Eddie: [reading] "Dear Mom, Fuck you."
Wellness Guide: Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
Hal Weidmann: Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory.
Lee: [on the phone] Hello, darling, can I get Holly Golightly's cottage, please? Thank you.
Danny: Who's Holly Golightly?
Lee: It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Danny: Oh. What's that?
Lee: It's a movie, a great movie. Hepburn?
Danny: Right. Katharine.
[pause]
Lee: Let me tell you something. Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.
Danny: Who's Holly Golightly?
Lee: It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Danny: Oh. What's that?
Lee: It's a movie, a great movie. Hepburn?
Danny: Right. Katharine.
[pause]
Lee: Let me tell you something. Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.
Kingman: I want only one thing: if people think that Eddie and Gwen are going to get back together again, they will go see this movie. I need you to make that happen.
Lee: [smirks] Oh, that'll be easy.
Kingman: Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...
Lee: Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.
Kingman: So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.
Lee: What about the Spaniard?
Kingman: Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him.
Lee: [smirks] Oh, that'll be easy.
Kingman: Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...
Lee: Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.
Kingman: So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.
Lee: What about the Spaniard?
Kingman: Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him.
Lee: You look fabulous.
Kiki: Thank you.
Lee: Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
Kiki: It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun.
Gwen: [bored] She lost sixty pounds.
Kiki: [pause] And... And... And I lost a little weight.
Lee: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific.
Kiki: Thank you.
Lee: Sixty pounds?
Kiki: Yeah.
Lee: That's a Backstreet Boy!
Kiki: Thank you.
Lee: Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
Kiki: It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun.
Gwen: [bored] She lost sixty pounds.
Kiki: [pause] And... And... And I lost a little weight.
Lee: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific.
Kiki: Thank you.
Lee: Sixty pounds?
Kiki: Yeah.
Lee: That's a Backstreet Boy!
Lee: So, do you want to arrive first or second?
Eddie: Second.
Lee: Be right back.
[goes to Gwen's limo]
Lee: He wants to go second.
Kiki: Let him go second.
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
Kiki: She wants to go second.
Lee: Second it is.
[goes back to Eddie's limo]
Lee: She wants to go second.
Eddie: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
Lee: Thank you.
[back at Gwen's limo]
Lee: Second? We're all set.
Gwen: Who cares?
Kiki: She doesn't care.
Gwen: Yes, I do! I'm going first!
Eddie: [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
Lee: I'm just trying to facilitate the...
Eddie: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
Lee: You're going second.
Eddie: [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Lee: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
Eddie: [rolls down the window] I don't care.
Lee: Okay. Thank you.
Eddie: Second.
Lee: Be right back.
[goes to Gwen's limo]
Lee: He wants to go second.
Kiki: Let him go second.
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
Kiki: She wants to go second.
Lee: Second it is.
[goes back to Eddie's limo]
Lee: She wants to go second.
Eddie: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
Lee: Thank you.
[back at Gwen's limo]
Lee: Second? We're all set.
Gwen: Who cares?
Kiki: She doesn't care.
Gwen: Yes, I do! I'm going first!
Eddie: [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
Lee: I'm just trying to facilitate the...
Eddie: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
Lee: You're going second.
Eddie: [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Lee: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
Eddie: [rolls down the window] I don't care.
Lee: Okay. Thank you.
Kiki: Are you okay now?
Eddie: If you would have asked me a couple of hours ago, I would have said no. But something happened tonight that was really incredible. I was out walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. And I just look over this wall, and there she was. She was standing by the pool, all dressed in white, like an angel in the desert. I thought to myself: "That's why you're here. You're supposed to win her back." No way she's gonna stay with Hector. I mean, there's no way. That's the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
Kiki: [slowly] Really? The... The... The woman by the pool?
Eddie: Gwen.
Eddie: If you would have asked me a couple of hours ago, I would have said no. But something happened tonight that was really incredible. I was out walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. And I just look over this wall, and there she was. She was standing by the pool, all dressed in white, like an angel in the desert. I thought to myself: "That's why you're here. You're supposed to win her back." No way she's gonna stay with Hector. I mean, there's no way. That's the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
Kiki: [slowly] Really? The... The... The woman by the pool?
Eddie: Gwen.
Hector: Who is this?
Lee: Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet.
Hector: No, no. You're too old.
Gwen: Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish.
Lee: No problem. I was Spanish once myself.
Lee: Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet.
Hector: No, no. You're too old.
Gwen: Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish.
Lee: No problem. I was Spanish once myself.
Kingman: [on the phone] Hi, Hal? How are you, darling? I've been thinking about you cause I... I wanted to... to... to send you a basket or something. How's the movie?
Hal Weidmann: It's finding its way.
Kingman: Well, do you think it could find its way to the studio? Because we have a few little things to do with it, like *finish* it.
Hal Weidmann: It's finished, Dave.
Kingman: Oh. Great! How is it?
Hal Weidmann: My mother thinks it's the best thing I've ever done.
Kingman: Can I speak with her?
Hal Weidmann: No, Dave.
Kingman: Can we send someone to pick it up, Hal?
Hal Weidmann: You know, Dave, you haven't said anything yet about the titles.
Kingman: Oh. Oh, I love them. I have no notes.
Hal Weidmann: When's the press junket?
Kingman: [apprehensively] Weekend of the 21st. Why?
Hal Weidmann: Cause I want the press to be the first to see it.
Kingman: No...
Hal Weidmann: I'll bring it to the junket. We'll all experience it together.
Kingman: No, Hal! No, no, no! No, no, I'm the head of the studio! I don't experience things with the press!
Hal Weidmann: I'm hanging up now, Dave.
Hal Weidmann: It's finding its way.
Kingman: Well, do you think it could find its way to the studio? Because we have a few little things to do with it, like *finish* it.
Hal Weidmann: It's finished, Dave.
Kingman: Oh. Great! How is it?
Hal Weidmann: My mother thinks it's the best thing I've ever done.
Kingman: Can I speak with her?
Hal Weidmann: No, Dave.
Kingman: Can we send someone to pick it up, Hal?
Hal Weidmann: You know, Dave, you haven't said anything yet about the titles.
Kingman: Oh. Oh, I love them. I have no notes.
Hal Weidmann: When's the press junket?
Kingman: [apprehensively] Weekend of the 21st. Why?
Hal Weidmann: Cause I want the press to be the first to see it.
Kingman: No...
Hal Weidmann: I'll bring it to the junket. We'll all experience it together.
Kingman: No, Hal! No, no, no! No, no, I'm the head of the studio! I don't experience things with the press!
Hal Weidmann: I'm hanging up now, Dave.
Eddie: Kiki! Kiki! Hold on, hold on. I want to talk. Look...
Kiki: Let go of me!
Eddie: Just... I want to talk!
Kiki: I don't want to talk to you!
Eddie: Why not?
Kiki: Because you're an idiot!
Eddie: Well?
Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too! In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
Eddie: This is a very complicated situation...
Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
Eddie: What?
Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
Eddie: Yeah...
Kiki: No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
[beat]
Kiki: That was me.
Kiki: Let go of me!
Eddie: Just... I want to talk!
Kiki: I don't want to talk to you!
Eddie: Why not?
Kiki: Because you're an idiot!
Eddie: Well?
Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too! In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
Eddie: This is a very complicated situation...
Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
Eddie: What?
Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
Eddie: Yeah...
Kiki: No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
[beat]
Kiki: That was me.
Kiki: [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.
[Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen]
Kiki: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
[Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
Kiki: Here are your eggs! There you go!
Gwen: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
Kiki: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
[turns to Eddie]
Kiki: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
[Kiki storms out]
Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.
[Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen]
Kiki: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
[Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
Kiki: Here are your eggs! There you go!
Gwen: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
Kiki: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
[turns to Eddie]
Kiki: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
[Kiki storms out]
Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.
Kiki: You really need to go to this junket.
Gwen: [shakes her head] No.
Kiki: Why not?
Gwen: I'm afraid.
Kiki: Of...?
Gwen: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.
Kiki: I know.
Gwen: I'm always thinking about other people.
Kiki: I know you are.
Gwen: It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.
Kiki: So, what you're really worried about is you.
Gwen: Of course.
Gwen: [shakes her head] No.
Kiki: Why not?
Gwen: I'm afraid.
Kiki: Of...?
Gwen: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.
Kiki: I know.
Gwen: I'm always thinking about other people.
Kiki: I know you are.
Gwen: It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.
Kiki: So, what you're really worried about is you.
Gwen: Of course.
Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
Davis: Ted Kaczynski.
Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?
Lee: The Unabomber.
Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
Lee: So?
Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Davis: Ted Kaczynski.
Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?
Lee: The Unabomber.
Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
Lee: So?
Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Gwen: I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?
Kiki: Just breathe.
Gwen: I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.
Kiki: That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.
Gwen: Who?
Larry King Producer: [passes by] You looked great.
Kiki: See?
Gwen: [to the producer] Thanks!
[to Kiki]
Gwen: As if she really knows.
Kiki: Just breathe.
Gwen: I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.
Kiki: That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.
Gwen: Who?
Larry King Producer: [passes by] You looked great.
Kiki: See?
Gwen: [to the producer] Thanks!
[to Kiki]
Gwen: As if she really knows.
Nevada Anchorman: [on the TV] Is this a scene from their new movie, "Time Over Time"? No. That's Gwen Harrison and Eddie Thomas dancing in the moonlight for real. Hard to believe that America's Sweethearts are like we never thought we'd see them again...
Hector: What the hell is going on?
Nevada Anchorman: [on the TV] ... in a passionate embrace.
Hector: Goddamn it!
Hector: What the hell is going on?
Nevada Anchorman: [on the TV] ... in a passionate embrace.
Hector: Goddamn it!
Lee: [on the phone] Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.
[hangs up]
Lee: Five minutes.
Danny: You're amazing.
Lee: Take notes, kid.
[hangs up]
Lee: Five minutes.
Danny: You're amazing.
Lee: Take notes, kid.
Kiki: [on the phone] Lee, you know, I love you. You know, I'd do anything for you. You're just asking an awful lot... Well, a press junket with Eddie isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities... Oh, no lillies. Take them out... Yes. I understand... Yes, excuse me, hold on...
[to a man smoking]
Kiki: Could you please put that out? Please, please, please. Could you please put that out. Please, please.
[to a man smoking]
Kiki: Could you please put that out? Please, please, please. Could you please put that out. Please, please.
Kiki: Look... I'm tired of making excuses. I'm done picking up dirty clothes. I'm done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just... I'm done.
Gwen: So what you're really worried about is you.
Kiki: [thinks for a second] Yes.
Gwen: Well, I... guess you're fired.
[Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki]
Gwen: Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right?
Kiki: Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very...
Gwen: [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone] So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!
[audience applauds]
Eddie: You're unbelievable.
Gwen: Shut up!
Gwen: So what you're really worried about is you.
Kiki: [thinks for a second] Yes.
Gwen: Well, I... guess you're fired.
[Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki]
Gwen: Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right?
Kiki: Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very...
Gwen: [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone] So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!
[audience applauds]
Eddie: You're unbelievable.
Gwen: Shut up!
Lee: Now, we have to keep the press entertained and on the go. The best junkets are the ones where the press thinks it's a weekend not about the movie, but about them. So we have to program the shit out of them: cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks. Whatever you have to do to keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're there to review. What are we doing for gifts?
Danny: Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.
Lee: You're giving members of the press a gun?
Danny: Well, no, it's not real...
Lee: [rolls his eyes] We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.
Danny: Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.
Lee: You're giving members of the press a gun?
Danny: Well, no, it's not real...
Lee: [rolls his eyes] We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.
Eddie: I blew it. I lost her.
Lee: Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
Eddie: I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
Lee: Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
Eddie: I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
Eddie: Lee, I can't do this! I told you this was a mistake. She's very close to here, now, isn't she? She's in the next room, I can feel her.
Lee: No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.
Eddie: [pause] I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.
Lee: No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.
Lee: No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.
Eddie: [pause] I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.
Lee: No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.
Larry King: Okay, let's go to phone calls now on "Larry King Live". White Plains, you're on the air with Gwen Harrison.
Caller #1: Hi, Larry.
Gwen: Hi!
Caller #1: Gwen, um... hi. I used to be a big fan, but... I'm sorry, I just can't get over what happened between you and Eddie. I'm so sick over it. I can't sleep at night. How can you?
Gwen: Well, um... uh...
Larry King: Well, you do sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, do you not?
[pause]
Larry King: Let's go to our next call. Rock Island, Illinois, hello.
Caller #2: Hi, Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.
Gwen: Thank you!
Caller #2: I just couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie. It's just not the same.
Caller #1: Hi, Larry.
Gwen: Hi!
Caller #1: Gwen, um... hi. I used to be a big fan, but... I'm sorry, I just can't get over what happened between you and Eddie. I'm so sick over it. I can't sleep at night. How can you?
Gwen: Well, um... uh...
Larry King: Well, you do sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, do you not?
[pause]
Larry King: Let's go to our next call. Rock Island, Illinois, hello.
Caller #2: Hi, Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.
Gwen: Thank you!
Caller #2: I just couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie. It's just not the same.
Gwen: [to the press] I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile.
Hector: [Hector clears his throat] And?
Gwen: Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.
Hector: Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.
Hector: [Hector clears his throat] And?
Gwen: Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.
Hector: Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.
