Analyze This Quotes
A comedy about a psychiatrist whose number one-patient is an insecure mob boss.
Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night?
Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?
Boss Paul Vitti: No.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?
Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?
Boss Paul Vitti: No.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?
Boss Paul Vitti: Whoever did that thing to you-know-who, that good friend of mine, they're trying to do that to me now, and I'm having a lot of feelings about that. And I'm... and I'm trying to get some... some...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [whispering] "Closure"
Boss Paul Vitti: ...closure on that, ya know?
Primo: What kind of feelings?
Boss Paul Vitti: I'm... I'm very angry, I'm feeling very angry about that. I'm... I'm really... uh... I'm enraged, I'm feeling very, very mad about that.
Primo: So why are you telling me?
Boss Paul Vitti: Why am I telling you? Like you don't know nothing about it, huh? You don't know... what?
Primo: I don't know what your talking about.
Boss Paul Vitti: Okay, whatever, whatever. I'm just trying to...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "Tell you about my feelings..."
Boss Paul Vitti: ...tell you about my feelings and that, uh...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "I'm angry..."
Boss Paul Vitti: ...I'm angry and... and that anger is a...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "Blocked wish...?"
Boss Paul Vitti: ...a blocked wish. And I'm looking forward to seeing you... next week at that thing, and then I can... unblock that angered wish... and then hopefully... hopefully you make one more move on me you motherfucker I'll fuckin' cut your fuckin' balls off I'll shove them up your fuckin' ass, I'll fuckin' bury you, I'll put fuckin' ice picks in your eyes, I'll chop your fuckin' eyeballs, I'll send them to your fuckin' family so they can eat 'em for dessert. You understand me?
Primo: Hey Paul...
Boss Paul Vitti: What?
Primo: Fuck you.
Boss Paul Vitti: You motherfucker!
Primo: [to Moony] You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what he's going to hit us with, I want to know what it is
Boss Paul Vitti: [to Dr. Sobel] Yeah. How was that?
Dr. Ben Sobel: It was going great until the... cutting off of the balls and shoving it up his ass.
Dr. Ben Sobel: [whispering] "Closure"
Boss Paul Vitti: ...closure on that, ya know?
Primo: What kind of feelings?
Boss Paul Vitti: I'm... I'm very angry, I'm feeling very angry about that. I'm... I'm really... uh... I'm enraged, I'm feeling very, very mad about that.
Primo: So why are you telling me?
Boss Paul Vitti: Why am I telling you? Like you don't know nothing about it, huh? You don't know... what?
Primo: I don't know what your talking about.
Boss Paul Vitti: Okay, whatever, whatever. I'm just trying to...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "Tell you about my feelings..."
Boss Paul Vitti: ...tell you about my feelings and that, uh...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "I'm angry..."
Boss Paul Vitti: ...I'm angry and... and that anger is a...
Dr. Ben Sobel: [Whispering] "Blocked wish...?"
Boss Paul Vitti: ...a blocked wish. And I'm looking forward to seeing you... next week at that thing, and then I can... unblock that angered wish... and then hopefully... hopefully you make one more move on me you motherfucker I'll fuckin' cut your fuckin' balls off I'll shove them up your fuckin' ass, I'll fuckin' bury you, I'll put fuckin' ice picks in your eyes, I'll chop your fuckin' eyeballs, I'll send them to your fuckin' family so they can eat 'em for dessert. You understand me?
Primo: Hey Paul...
Boss Paul Vitti: What?
Primo: Fuck you.
Boss Paul Vitti: You motherfucker!
Primo: [to Moony] You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what he's going to hit us with, I want to know what it is
Boss Paul Vitti: [to Dr. Sobel] Yeah. How was that?
Dr. Ben Sobel: It was going great until the... cutting off of the balls and shoving it up his ass.
[Ben rushes up to Paul's room after Jelly throws a hit man off the balcony onto the wedding party]
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, people get depressed, they jump. But that ain't my fault.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, so you're telling me it was suicide?
Boss Paul Vitti: I don't know, he probably left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?
Jelly: [taking out a pen] Uh no, but they will in a minute.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the Dead Guy."
Jelly: Hey, that's good, Doc.
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, people get depressed, they jump. But that ain't my fault.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, so you're telling me it was suicide?
Boss Paul Vitti: I don't know, he probably left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?
Jelly: [taking out a pen] Uh no, but they will in a minute.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the Dead Guy."
Jelly: Hey, that's good, Doc.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Let me get this straight: you flew all the way down to Miami and kidnapped me from my hotel room in the middle of the night just because you couldn't get an erection?
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't that prove I'm motivated?
Dr. Ben Sobel: You know, you can take a pill for that.
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't that prove I'm motivated?
Dr. Ben Sobel: You know, you can take a pill for that.
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?
Boss Paul Vitti: You're turning me down?
Dr. Ben Sobel: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.
Boss Paul Vitti: You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you're turning *me* down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks 'em right anymore?
Dr. Ben Sobel: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.
Boss Paul Vitti: You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you're turning *me* down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks 'em right anymore?
Caroline: [complaining about her ex-boyfriend] What do you think I should do?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, what I think you should do... is stop whining about this pathetic loser.
[Sobel stands up]
Dr. Ben Sobel: You are a tragedy queen! "Oh, Steve doesn't like me!" "Steve doesn't respect me!" Oh, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKIN' LIFE!
Caroline: Dr Sobel?
[Sobel, back in his chair, snaps out of a daze]
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, what I think you should do... is stop whining about this pathetic loser.
[Sobel stands up]
Dr. Ben Sobel: You are a tragedy queen! "Oh, Steve doesn't like me!" "Steve doesn't respect me!" Oh, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKIN' LIFE!
Caroline: Dr Sobel?
[Sobel, back in his chair, snaps out of a daze]
[Paul is anxious about his impotence]
Dr. Ben Sobel: I have to say, not being able to perform three or four times...
Boss Paul Vitti: Eight times.
Dr. Ben Sobel: ...eight times, is not catastrophic.
Boss Paul Vitti: Well, maybe not to you, look at you. But if I can't get it up, that makes me less of a man, and I can't have that. In my world I deal with animals, Doctor. They may seem dumb to an educated guy like you, but make no mistake, Doctor, animals are very cunning, and they sense weakness.
Dr. Ben Sobel: I have to say, not being able to perform three or four times...
Boss Paul Vitti: Eight times.
Dr. Ben Sobel: ...eight times, is not catastrophic.
Boss Paul Vitti: Well, maybe not to you, look at you. But if I can't get it up, that makes me less of a man, and I can't have that. In my world I deal with animals, Doctor. They may seem dumb to an educated guy like you, but make no mistake, Doctor, animals are very cunning, and they sense weakness.
Dr. Ben Sobel: [to Patient/wife] "Here's what I think you should do, Elaine. I would do whatever he says. If he wants you to talk, talk. I would get on all fours and bark like a dog. I would do whatever it takes. Smoke some joints! Drink some wine! Whatever it is, to get off on each other and be happy. I mean, come on, look at the two of you! Where are you running? This is the time to be happy! Life is just too short! Too FUCKING short!"
Elaine Felton: [Patient/wife, turning to look at husband and smiling at each other] "OK."
Dr. Ben Sobel: [to both husband and wife] "See you Thursday."
Elaine Felton: [Patient/wife, turning to look at husband and smiling at each other] "OK."
Dr. Ben Sobel: [to both husband and wife] "See you Thursday."
Boss Paul Vitti: So, did you take care of that thing I asked you about?
Carlo Mangano: It's all right to talk business in front of your friend?
Boss Paul Vitti: It's okay.
Carlo Mangano: I took care of it.
Boss Paul Vitti: How about the other thing?
Carlo Mangano: I got to wait for the first thing to come through, before I can move on the second thing.
Boss Paul Vitti: That guy give you a problem or...?
Carlo Mangano: The guy on the first thing?
Boss Paul Vitti: Yeah.
Carlo Mangano: He's a lunatic.
Boss Paul Vitti: What did he say?
Carlo Mangano: The usual.
Boss Paul Vitti: Did you tell him you weren't going for it?
Carlo Mangano: What am I gonna do, Paul?
Boss Paul Vitti: You gotta nip that shit right in the bud.
Carlo Mangano: But if the first thing comes through, that'll fix everything.
Boss Paul Vitti: Exactly. Including the second thing.
Carlo Mangano: Absolutely.
Boss Paul Vitti: Exactly.
[Paul Vitti turns to Ben Sobel]
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't repeat what you hear here. You hear?
Dr. Ben Sobel: What? The first thing or the second thing?
Carlo Mangano: It's all right to talk business in front of your friend?
Boss Paul Vitti: It's okay.
Carlo Mangano: I took care of it.
Boss Paul Vitti: How about the other thing?
Carlo Mangano: I got to wait for the first thing to come through, before I can move on the second thing.
Boss Paul Vitti: That guy give you a problem or...?
Carlo Mangano: The guy on the first thing?
Boss Paul Vitti: Yeah.
Carlo Mangano: He's a lunatic.
Boss Paul Vitti: What did he say?
Carlo Mangano: The usual.
Boss Paul Vitti: Did you tell him you weren't going for it?
Carlo Mangano: What am I gonna do, Paul?
Boss Paul Vitti: You gotta nip that shit right in the bud.
Carlo Mangano: But if the first thing comes through, that'll fix everything.
Boss Paul Vitti: Exactly. Including the second thing.
Carlo Mangano: Absolutely.
Boss Paul Vitti: Exactly.
[Paul Vitti turns to Ben Sobel]
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't repeat what you hear here. You hear?
Dr. Ben Sobel: What? The first thing or the second thing?
Dr. Ben Sobel: But the black milk dream is also about your father.
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, I don't buy that. In the dream, I'm bringing the baby the black milk.
Dr. Ben Sobel: But let's just say that you are the baby. Freud believed you're everyone in your dreams.
Boss Paul Vitti: Ah fuck Freud. After what you just told me, you know, I'm afraid to call my own mother on the phone!
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, I don't buy that. In the dream, I'm bringing the baby the black milk.
Dr. Ben Sobel: But let's just say that you are the baby. Freud believed you're everyone in your dreams.
Boss Paul Vitti: Ah fuck Freud. After what you just told me, you know, I'm afraid to call my own mother on the phone!
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick, son-of-a-bitch, rat-bastard you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still fucked up! You did fucking NOTHING for me!
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Viti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT!... That got away from me at the end there.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Viti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT!... That got away from me at the end there.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Dad, you're not coming to my wedding?
Dr. Isaac Sobel: We wanna be there, but I've got three book signings next weekend. I can't piss off these big bookstores! If I cancel, they stick me down on the bottom shelves. That's the way they are.
Dr. Ben Sobel: I know, that's the word on the street. Barnes is okay, but that Noble is a vindictive prick.
Dr. Isaac Sobel: We wanna be there, but I've got three book signings next weekend. I can't piss off these big bookstores! If I cancel, they stick me down on the bottom shelves. That's the way they are.
Dr. Ben Sobel: I know, that's the word on the street. Barnes is okay, but that Noble is a vindictive prick.
Primo: Everybody knows there's been this thing between me and Paul Vitti for a long time.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Which thing are you talking about? The first thing or the second thing?
Primo: What second thing? I only know one thing.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, how can we bring up the first thing if we're not gonna talk about the second thing. Did you talk to the guy?
Primo: What guy?
Dr. Ben Sobel: The guy with the thing!
Primo: What thing? What the fuck are you talking about?
Dr. Ben Sobel: How should I know? You brought it up.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Which thing are you talking about? The first thing or the second thing?
Primo: What second thing? I only know one thing.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, how can we bring up the first thing if we're not gonna talk about the second thing. Did you talk to the guy?
Primo: What guy?
Dr. Ben Sobel: The guy with the thing!
Primo: What thing? What the fuck are you talking about?
Dr. Ben Sobel: How should I know? You brought it up.
Michael Sobel: Hey dad. "I go fag, you die!"
Dr. Ben Sobel: That's it! I am sealing the vent in your room. You cannot listen to my sessions.
Michael Sobel: It's so cool. Was that really Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, I didn't ask to see his mafia decoder ring, but yes, that was Paul Vitti. You can't tell anyone about this.
Michael Sobel: Should I take it off the internet?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Michael!
Michael Sobel: Just kidding.
Dr. Ben Sobel: That's it! I am sealing the vent in your room. You cannot listen to my sessions.
Michael Sobel: It's so cool. Was that really Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, I didn't ask to see his mafia decoder ring, but yes, that was Paul Vitti. You can't tell anyone about this.
Michael Sobel: Should I take it off the internet?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Michael!
Michael Sobel: Just kidding.
Jelly: This is serious, Doc. If he doesn't make that meeting they'll kill him for sure.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't someone else in the family go? How about Tommy the Tongue, or Louie the lip? What about you? You go.
Jelly: That would be great except for one detail. I'm a fuckin' moron. I'm known for it. You have to go.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't someone else in the family go? How about Tommy the Tongue, or Louie the lip? What about you? You go.
Jelly: That would be great except for one detail. I'm a fuckin' moron. I'm known for it. You have to go.
Boss Paul Vitti: [Crying] Look at this, this is what I'm talking about, I'm a dead man, you call yourself a doctor? You should be ashamed of yourself a real doctor wouldn't turn his back at someone who's suffering, you fucking phony,
[crosses himself]
Boss Paul Vitti: Mother of Christ help me get through this, you fucking rat bastard
[crosses himself]
Boss Paul Vitti: Mother of Christ help me get through this, you fucking rat bastard
[Vitti is trying to forgive Primo for attempting to whack him]
Boss Paul Vitti: And hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherfucker, I'll fuckin' cut your fuckin' balls off and shove 'em up your fuckin' ass. I'll fuckin' bury you! I'm gonna stick ice picks in your eyes and send 'em to your family so they can eat them for dessert!
Primo: Hey, Paul.
Boss Paul Vitti: What?
Primo: Fuck you.
Boss Paul Vitti: [throws down phone] That motherfucker!
Boss Paul Vitti: And hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherfucker, I'll fuckin' cut your fuckin' balls off and shove 'em up your fuckin' ass. I'll fuckin' bury you! I'm gonna stick ice picks in your eyes and send 'em to your family so they can eat them for dessert!
Primo: Hey, Paul.
Boss Paul Vitti: What?
Primo: Fuck you.
Boss Paul Vitti: [throws down phone] That motherfucker!
Boss Paul Vitti: [narrating] 1957 was a big year. The Russians put that Sputnik into outer space, the Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field to say goodbye to Brooklyn, that guy shot Frank Costello in the head, and missed, and the Gallo brothers whacked Albert Anastasia in the barber shop of the Sheraton View hotel. It was total chaos. With Anastasia out of the way, Vito Genovese figures he's the big boss. But Carlo Gambino and Joe Bananas, they had other ideas. So they called a meeting. A big meeting.
