Anything Else Quotes
Jerry Falk learns that lesson the hard way when he falls head over heels in love with a beautiful but flighty girl, Amanda.
David Dobel: I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.
David Dobel: As you go through life, Falk, there will be no shortage of people who will tell you how to live. They'll have all the answers for you, what you should do, what you shouldn't do. Don't argue with them. You know, say "Yes, that's a brilliant, brilliant idea," and then do what you want. And whenever you're right, strive for originality. But if you have to steal, steal from the best. Oh, oh, and if you take very good care of your styptic pencil and dry it after every shave, it will last longer than most relationships that you're in.
[first lines]
David Dobel: You know, there's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really. There's an old joke about a prizefighter who's in the ring, and he's getting killed, he's getting his brains beat out; and his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring, and there's a priest next to her, and she says 'Father, father, pray for him, pray for him!' The priest says 'I will pray for him, but if he could punch it would help!' There's more insight in that joke, into what I call the giant so-what, than most books on philosophy.
David Dobel: You know, there's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really. There's an old joke about a prizefighter who's in the ring, and he's getting killed, he's getting his brains beat out; and his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring, and there's a priest next to her, and she says 'Father, father, pray for him, pray for him!' The priest says 'I will pray for him, but if he could punch it would help!' There's more insight in that joke, into what I call the giant so-what, than most books on philosophy.
Amanda: Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller. But I didn't do it because I care about him.
Jerry Falk: No? What then? To punish him?
Amanda: No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.
Jerry Falk: And can you?
Amanda: Yeah. It's good news. I can.
Jerry Falk: No? What then? To punish him?
Amanda: No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.
Jerry Falk: And can you?
Amanda: Yeah. It's good news. I can.
David Dobel: Yoy said it yourself, you're afraid to sleep alone. That's the whole story. You surround yourself with this farrage of babysitters, this loving-disabled little sex kitten who's driving you crazy, the Jew manager, you know? And let me tell you I am of the Hebrew pursuassion, but the guy that handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost. And you got this shrink who, like God, never speaks, and like God, is dead. There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That's why you gotta build a survival kit!
Amanda: Don't be mad at me, but I ate.
Jerry Falk: You ate?
Amanda: I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition, so I had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheesecake. Then I had another one. You know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I'd finished the whole cake.
Jerry Falk: You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheesecake?
Amanda: And then I figured, what the hell. I finished off the cold spaghetti in the refrigerator, and ate that last lobster tail and then I heated up some chicken pot pie.
Jerry Falk: Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?
Jerry Falk: You ate?
Amanda: I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition, so I had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheesecake. Then I had another one. You know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I'd finished the whole cake.
Jerry Falk: You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheesecake?
Amanda: And then I figured, what the hell. I finished off the cold spaghetti in the refrigerator, and ate that last lobster tail and then I heated up some chicken pot pie.
Jerry Falk: Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?
Jerry Falk: Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.
David Dobel: No you didn't.
Jerry Falk: [stammering] What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.
David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.
David Dobel: No you didn't.
Jerry Falk: [stammering] What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.
David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.
Psychiatrist: Tell me about your dream. The Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us?
Jerry Falk: Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.
Psychiatrist: What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?
Jerry Falk: Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.
Psychiatrist: What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?
David Dobel: Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks..." But they *can't* help you, Falk, because life is what it is.
Jerry Falk: The routine is fine, this guy's just in the wrong profession.
Harvey Wexler: That's what I told him. I said, "Look, Danny, you've been around for such a long time. You think there's a reason you never really made it?"
Jerry Falk: [to the camera] No tact. None.
Harvey Wexler: I said to him, I said, "A man buys a suit. He says he's happy with the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly he doesn't want the suit he's got, he's not happy with it. He wants a new suit, he's not happy with the old one."
Jerry Falk: ...Right. Yeah, hey listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring back please?
Harvey Wexler: Look. I was up to NBC, there is nothing doin' up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll change. Right now, they're not equal. Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week. I need a business thing done. We have to talk. I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.
Jerry Falk: What kind of business? What do you mean "business"? What do you want to talk - -?
Harvey Wexler: It's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future. Goodbye!
[Harvey abruptly hangs up the phone]
Harvey Wexler: That's what I told him. I said, "Look, Danny, you've been around for such a long time. You think there's a reason you never really made it?"
Jerry Falk: [to the camera] No tact. None.
Harvey Wexler: I said to him, I said, "A man buys a suit. He says he's happy with the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly he doesn't want the suit he's got, he's not happy with it. He wants a new suit, he's not happy with the old one."
Jerry Falk: ...Right. Yeah, hey listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring back please?
Harvey Wexler: Look. I was up to NBC, there is nothing doin' up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll change. Right now, they're not equal. Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week. I need a business thing done. We have to talk. I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.
Jerry Falk: What kind of business? What do you mean "business"? What do you want to talk - -?
Harvey Wexler: It's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future. Goodbye!
[Harvey abruptly hangs up the phone]
Dobel: I took the liberty a couple weeks ago of ordering you a little present.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection.
Jerry Falk: No! I just dial 9-1-1.
Dobel: Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection.
Jerry Falk: No! I just dial 9-1-1.
Dobel: Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.
Amanda: You're the only one I've ever dated who knows exactly what to get me. That's because you have a special vision of me.
[Jerry opens his present]
Jerry Falk: Ah, "No Exit" and "The Flies", Jean-Paul Sartre, that's amazing, thank you so much!
Amanda: It was between that and O'Neill. I couldn't decided whose pessimistic nihilism would make you happier.
Jerry Falk: You know I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that "the opposite of death is desire". And I desired you from the first moment we met.
[Jerry opens his present]
Jerry Falk: Ah, "No Exit" and "The Flies", Jean-Paul Sartre, that's amazing, thank you so much!
Amanda: It was between that and O'Neill. I couldn't decided whose pessimistic nihilism would make you happier.
Jerry Falk: You know I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that "the opposite of death is desire". And I desired you from the first moment we met.
Harvey Wexler: I ran into Dick Mallory. He's working with a comic who needs material. I naturally told him your price. I said, you know, I told him what you get. The kid works dirty. A lot of bathroom jokes. I said, 'Look. Jerry Falk is a professional! If what you need is bathroom jokes, he can do them.'
Jerry Falk: Harvey?
Harvey Wexler: What's the matter with your voice?
Jerry Falk: Harvey?
Harvey Wexler: What's the matter with your voice?
