Starting from childhood attempts at illustration, the protagonist pursues his true obsession to art school. But as he learns how the art world really works, he finds that he must adapt his vision to the reality that confronts him.

Bardo: Why are you such an asshole?
Marvin Bushmiller: Now that's a great question. No, really. It really is. I am an asshole because... that is my true nature. Maybe it's everybody's true nature. Every single one of you looks like a fuckin' asshole to me, but... who knows? The difference between you and me is that I have gained the freedom to express my true nature. And what could be more beautiful than truth and freedom?
Vince: Man, if she were my girlfriend, I'd be pounding that night and day.
Jimmy: [to Jerome] So... Who do you like?
Jimmy: [Jerome is confused by the question, so Jimmy rephrases it] Who's your favorite artist, Jerome?
Jerome: [Uncomfortable pause] Maybe, Picasso?
Jimmy: I see... Very good... Our old friend "Pig-Ass-Hole," the nasty little dwarf who went his whole life without a single original thought... I presume you're joking, right?
Bardo: [Jerome is too uncomfortable to speak, but Bardo nonchalantly chimes in] Jimmy's a Strathmore grad.
Jimmy: Just look at me now!... Just think, Jerome, some day all this could be yours. You're going places, young man. I can feel it. But you really need to take some lessons in sucking cock and licking ass. Otherwise you might find yourself rotting away in some shit-hole, postponing suicide for the slim chance that you might one day, possibly, see some glorious plague or pestilence bring horrible suffering to your hateful species.
Jimmy: [Jerome and Bardo look at each other in shocked silence, then let out uncomfortable snickers] What are you smiling about?
Jimmy: [Jerome only shrugs, an uncomfortable grin etched on his face] Laugh away, laughing boy! I will stomp on your guts till they shoot out your ass! I will bury you alive and shit on your grave!
Nympho: [to Jerome] I just want you to know I *definitely* don't have AIDS. I mean, I've been tested like 40 times so I know for a fact.
Bardo: [holding up clay pipe] This is ready for the kiln.
Bardo: The only trouble with that is: all those beatnik chicks are totally insane. Look. What you really want is a nice, innocent, suburban girl. Some freshman chick who hasn't been corrupted yet.
Audrey: [Introducing herself to Jerome while at Shiloh's photo exhibit] Oh, hi. I'm Audrey, by the way.
Bardo: [Butting in] So is that your real name, or are you just obsessed with Audrey Hepburn like every other art school chick?
Audrey: [Unperturbed, holding up her necklace pendant] Actually, I was named after an old cartoon.
Bardo: Oh, wow! Another ironic pop-culture reference. She's a keeper!
[Goes off to help himself to more free refreshments]
Jimmy: Jerome, are you exceptionally skilled as a cocksucker? It wasn't a rhetorical question. Are you a great artist when it comes to fellatio?
Broadway Bob D'Annunzio: I know you're a genius, but I'm a genius too.
Young Jerome: [dressed as Pablo Picasso] I am a genius. I am the greatest artist of the twentieth century. I pretty much invented modern art, and I do weird abstract paintings even though I could paint totally realistic if I wanted to. Also, even though I am super short and bald, I am able to have sex with any beautiful woman I want just because I'm so great.
Marvin Bushmiller: Shut up. Look. There's really only one question any of you want to ask: you want to know what it would take to turn you into me. Well, listen closely, 'cause I'm gonna give you the answer. In order to be a great artist, you simply have to *be* a great artist. There's nothing to learn. So... you're all wasting your time. Go home.
Professor Sandiford: Now Eno, why haven't you been doing the assignments?
Eno: Frankly, I find them constricting and largely irrelevant. My work has nothing to with form or light or color, but with questioning the nature of aesthetic experience.
Professor Sandiford: I'll buy that.
Vince: I've gotta cream soma kinda love story into this thing man. Skanks, make up fifty per cent of the audience
Professor Sandiford: Now I don't have any particular wisdom to impart to you people, except to say this, these four words - don't have unrealistic expectations. If you want to make money, better drop out right now, go to banking school, or website school - anywhere but art school. And remember, only 1 out of 100 of you will ever make a living as an artist.
Eno: It has the singularity of outsider art,though the conscious rejection of spatial dynamics could only come from an intimacy with the conventions of picture-making.
Jerome: Are you kidding me?
Bardo: I'm a living cliché just like the rest of these guys. I'm the guy who keeps dropping out and changing his major just because he's afraid he really sucks at everything.
Eno: The history of art is largely about the implementation of masculinity.That is such bullshit.Part of some Darwinian imperative. Most artists become artists because they have no way to attract a mate. I hardly think I'm the first to point out that the vast preponderance of artists are, shall we say physiologically deficient in some way.
Professor Sandiford: Now, everyone don't be so hard on Jerome. He is attempting to achieve the impossible. He is trying to sing in his own voice using someone else's vocal cords.

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