Arthur Quotes
A drunken playboy stands to lose a wealthy inheritance when he falls for a woman his family doesn't like.
Hobson: My Name is Lillian and I am an alcoholic. I'm rich, I'm fabulously rich. I'm also generous and kind hearted. My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time. Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life? Oh it all looks very wild from the outside, I once went to bed with three European Princesses at the same time but A, I cant remember anything about it, and B, apparently I vomited over two of them before losing control of my bladder on the third, oh yes all such fun. Until the fog parts and suddenly there's a hole so big that all the vintage champagne and all the bat mobiles on the world can't fill it. Then I'm all alone on my magnetic bed, wondering what venereal disease I've just caught.
Arthur: Always the quiet ones.
Arthur: Always the quiet ones.
Arthur: Hobson?
Hobson: Yes.
Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?
Hobson: No, I don't.
Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
Hobson: I'll alert the media.
Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?
Hobson: That's what I live for.
[Arthur exits]
Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
Hobson: Yes.
Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?
Hobson: No, I don't.
Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
Hobson: I'll alert the media.
Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?
Hobson: That's what I live for.
[Arthur exits]
Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.
Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
Arthur: Except for fish.
Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?
Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?
Hobson: Pardon me...
[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]
Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
Arthur: Except for fish.
Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?
Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?
Hobson: Pardon me...
[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]
Hobson: [Holding up Tiffany's Bra] I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts dear, hes got an addictive personality. He was at mine till he was six.
Arthur: Hobson!
Hobson: I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off
Arthur: That lady has never once breastfed me
Hobson: Despite his best efforts.
Arthur: Hobson!
Hobson: I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off
Arthur: That lady has never once breastfed me
Hobson: Despite his best efforts.
Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.
Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?
Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.
Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?
Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
Burt Johnson: [smiling broadly] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man.
Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?
Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.
Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.
Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.
Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.
Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.
Arthur: Yeah, sorry.
Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?
Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.
Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.
Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.
Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.
Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.
Arthur: Yeah, sorry.
Arthur: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall] Where's the rest of this moose?
Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.
Arthur: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.
Arthur: You must've hated this moose.
Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!
Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.
Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.
Arthur: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.
Arthur: You must've hated this moose.
Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!
Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.
[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag]
Arthur: Hobson, did you see that?
Hobson: [wearily] Yes.
Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
Arthur: Hobson, did you see that?
Hobson: [wearily] Yes.
Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please?
Arthur: Why?
Hobson: Please.
[Arthur hands him his helmet]
Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.
Arthur: Why?
Hobson: Please.
[Arthur hands him his goggles]
Hobson: Thank you.
[slaps him across the face repeatedly]
Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
Arthur: Why?
Hobson: Please.
[Arthur hands him his helmet]
Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.
Arthur: Why?
Hobson: Please.
[Arthur hands him his goggles]
Hobson: Thank you.
[slaps him across the face repeatedly]
Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
Arthur: [a very intoxicated Arthur is addressing the congregation of attendees for his wedding] ummmm... ummmm... Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry... As you probably have surmised by now... there will be no wedding. The bride... has had second thoughts... and has decided not to marry me... Most of you know me... Can you blame her?
