Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Quotes
Dr. Evil is back...and has invented a new time machine that allows him to go back to the 60's and steal Austin Powers's mojo, inadvertently leaving him "shagless".
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Scott: [both are the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience boos]
Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience boos]
Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Whose sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Whose sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.
Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
Past Austin: Felicity!
Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love baby!
Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin: We are sexy!
Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
Past Austin: Felicity!
Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love baby!
Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin: We are sexy!
Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
[snaps fingers]
Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
[snaps fingers]
Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: RARRR.
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: RARRR.
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
[first lines]
Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...
Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...
Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
Fat Bastard: [Eying Mini-me] Dr Evil. Let me make you a deal. You get the mojo, and you can keep your money. And I'll get your bay-bay.
[smacks lips]
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Young Number Two: Excuse me.
Fat Bastard: *Chili's* baby back ribs.
[smacks lips]
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Young Number Two: Excuse me.
Fat Bastard: *Chili's* baby back ribs.
The President: Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus, I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman. I got nukes out the ying-yang. Just let me launch one, for God's sake.
Commander Gilmour: Sir. Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it?
Commander Gilmour: Sir. Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it?
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.
Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are VITAL to the country. Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
[Under his breath]
Fat Bastard: Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.
[louder]
Fat Bastard: Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
[Under his breath]
Fat Bastard: Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.
[louder]
Fat Bastard: Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.
[Dr. Evil sings to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just the two of us"]
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
Scott: Oh, my God.
Dr. Evil: What now?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
Scott: Oh, my God.
Dr. Evil: What now?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
Austin: I've lost my mojo.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh, so that's why you...
Austin: Yes! Yes!
Felicity Shagwell: [smiles] I thought you didn't like me!
Austin: Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I just didn't want to fall in love again, and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of alright! YES!
Felicity Shagwell: Oh, so that's why you...
Austin: Yes! Yes!
Felicity Shagwell: [smiles] I thought you didn't like me!
Austin: Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I just didn't want to fall in love again, and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of alright! YES!
Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C... I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me...
[emphasis]
Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.
The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.
[laughing]
The President: That's like saying,
[with changed voice]
The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."
[emphasis]
Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.
The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.
[laughing]
The President: That's like saying,
[with changed voice]
The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."
Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you *randy*?
Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so
[pause]
Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!
[Austin rips his shirt open]
Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like *animal*!
Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!
Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!
Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so
[pause]
Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!
[Austin rips his shirt open]
Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like *animal*!
Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!
Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to...
[goes cross-eyed]
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
[to camera]
Basil: That goes for you all, too.
Austin: Yes.
[goes cross-eyed]
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
[to camera]
Basil: That goes for you all, too.
Austin: Yes.
Austin: [shooting photos] OK, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent.
[gives away a camera]
[gives away a camera]
[last lines]
Mustafa: Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!
[the splint snaps; Mustafa screams and hits the ground]
Mustafa: Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!
[the splint snaps; Mustafa screams and hits the ground]
