A story about "Hogan's Heroes" star Bob Crane and his friendship with John Carpenter.

Bob Crane: I'm a normal, red-blooded American man. I like to look at naked women. I love breasts, any kind. I love 'em! Boobs, bazooms, balloons, bags, bazongas. The bigger, the better. Nipples like udders, nipples like saucers, big pale rosy-brown nipples. Little bitty baby nipples. Real or fake, what's the difference? I like tits. Who's kidding who? Tits are great!
[watching their videotaped orgy]
Bob Crane: What is that on my ass?
John Carpenter: That is my hand.
Bob Crane: Rubbing my ass?
John Carpenter: So what?
Bob Crane: Your fingers are up my cheeks. What you doing in there?
John Carpenter: lt's an orgy, Bob.
Bob Crane: So you can just touch my ass?
John Carpenter: I thought you liked it. - I thought it was her! God! What's the difference?
Bob Crane: The difference? You got your fingers up my asshole!
John Carpenter: Sorry.
Bob Crane: Fuck you very much.
John Carpenter: Bob, I said I'm sorry... It's a group grope!
John Carpenter: Do you know what time it is? It's FUCK time!
Interviewer: You've been married to your high school sweetheart for sixteen years.
Bob Crane: Fifteen, actually.
Interviewer: Fifteen years. How do you do it? What's your secret?
Bob Crane: Three words: Don't... make... waves. As every sailor knows, when one set of waves meets another set of waves, it can set up some chop. And when three sets of waves come together, it can make for some mighty rough sailing. It also helps sometimes to have a harmless safety valve. So when I get tense, I blow off steam. And so, when it comes to my own family, I don't make waves.
Interviewer: That's inspirational. You're a fortunate man.
Bob Crane: Yes. Yes, I am.
Bob Crane: A day without sex...
John Carpenter: ...is a day wasted!
Lenny: Sex is not the answer.
Bob Crane: I know that Lenny, it's the question. 'Yes' is the answer.
Bob Crane: Mel, I thought you were a fellow entertainer.
Mel Rosen: I'm also a Jew.
Bob Crane: It's the same thing!
Patricia Olson: We're in the show together. We have to keep up the appearance of respectability.
Bob Crane: I can be very respectable.
[dream sequence]
Bob Crane Jr. at 12: Go balls deep, pop!

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