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A soon-to-be-married man's friends throw him the ultimate bachelor party.
Rick Gassko: Attention, passengers, we are now leaving Nun Central and are beginning our journey to Hell and beyond. The captain has turned off the "no smoking" sign, and you may now move about the cabin freely. [Kids start screaming, reading Playboy, and gambling] Rick Gassko: Thank you for being Catholic, and for choosing the Saint Gabriel's School Bus.
Rick Gassko: [the guys find out their porno film has been edited] Not that I'm complaining, but I usually don't like my filth this clean! Rudy: Whatta waste of two women! Jay O'Neill: I don't get it; the dirty parts were there yesterday!
Mrs. Thompson: I had a wiener right in my hand.
Hotel Manager: Just where do you think you are? Jay O'Neill: The Library of Congress? Rudy: Detroit? Brad: Beyond the sun?
Mrs. Thompson: A strange wang right in my palm.
Rick Gassko: It's time for spice, and the lucky spice is... paprika! "Oh thank you, thank you! You've made me the happiest spice in the world!"
Cole Whittier: The car has low mileage and handles like a dream. Rick Gassko: Well, so does Debbie.
Debbie Thompson: Are there gonna be girls at the party? Rick Gassko: No... it's a 'stag' party, and that means that the 'does' stay home! Debbie Thompson: I'm not talking about the 'does'. I'm talking about hookers. Rick Gassko: Ooohh... those!
She/Tim: By the way, my name is Tim and I'm always available. I also do engine work on BMW's.
Rick Gassko: Who was that? Jay O'Neill: I dunno. Rick Gassko: [pointing to the arrow] And what's this? Jay O'Neill: Search me. Rick Gassko: [Another arrow hits the wall] What about this? Jay O'Neill: Still drawing a blank. Rick Gassko: [Seeing Cole across the way] He look familiar to you? Jay O'Neill: Yep. Rick Gassko: Get the hookers in a circle. We're going to put Cochise out of business.
Rajah: Pretty heavy, hey dude?
Cole Whittier: Rick, I want Debbie. You dump her and I'll give you cash. Ten thousand dollars, plus a G.E. toaster over; a Litton microwave; a Cuisinart; Michelin tires, brand new; a set of Sears' best metric tools...
Mr. Thompson: Rick, let's cut through the B.S. Rick Gassko: I'd like that. Mr. Thompson: I think you're an asshole.
Mrs. Thompson: Is that the foot-long? Nick: And then some.
Dr. Tina Gassko: What did you say, Stanley? What did you say, Stanley? What did you say, Stanley? You said no hookers! You said no hookers! No hookers! No hookers! No hookers! No hookers!
Rajah: And remember, bitches back in 45 minutes, or Milt cuts your balls off! Gary: Milt, who's Milt? [a giant thug smashes a window with his head]
[greeting everybody at table] Cole Whittier: Mr. Thompson... Mrs. Thompson... Debbie... and... Rick Gassko: Bond. James Bond.
Rick Gassko: Well Mr. Thompson, that's quite a list. And I think, if I really apply myself, I could be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch!
Debbie Thompson: Rick, you promise you won't fool around at your bachelor party? Rick Gassko: I swear on my mother's grave. Debbie Thompson: Your mother's still alive. Rick Gassko: Well if I go back on my word, I'll kill her.
Rick Gassko: I hope you like potato salad... it's chunky style... my favorite!
Brad: [after dunking his head into an empty bathtub] Pain... is such a rush!
Gary: I just bet my balls and shook on it.
Rick Gassko: [tasting some of his own dinner] This is the food prison riots are made out of.
Rick Gassko: What the hell are you doing? Brad: I'm slashing my wrist. Rick Gassko: With an electric razor? Brad: Yeah, I couldn't find any razor blades. Rick Gassko: Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable.
Rajah: I'm looking for this dung-head who took my women! He is being liar to me! I want my bitches back! [Crossbow dart flies across the room and strikes the wall next to Rajah] Rajah: Holy shit! I'm going to get Milt. Right now. I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
[on Mr. Nicholas' "size"] Rick Gassko: Personally, I was impressed when they opened the World Trade Center, but this, this is a piece of work.
Rudy: [toasting] To girls with big tits!
Gary: [after being arrested and handcuffed to THE she/male he slept with earlier] NO, NOT HER, SHE PEES STANDING UP, NOT HER!
Ryko: Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left.
Gary: Are you the pimp? Rajah: Yes. Gary: You look like Gandhi! Rajah: I've got girls to sit on your face.
Rudy: Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze! Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!
Jay: Gentlemen... start your boners.
Brad: Guys, GUYS GUYS! Suitcase Man: For the last time I'm telling you to get off! OFF! Brad: GUYS! Dr. Stan Gassko: Holy shit! Rick Gassko: Diagnoses? Dr. Stan Gassko: Medically speaking? Rick Gassko: Yes. Dr. Stan Gassko: Whacked out of his brains on drugs.
Mr. Thompson: [tied up and gagged] MMF MFF MFFFFF MFFF! Rick Gassko: He says he's having a wonderful time and he's thinking of changing his name to Spike.
O'Neill: I wish I had someone I could really respect. Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo!
Rick Gassko: [after Stan has left the syringe for taking blood sticking out of his arm] Um, Stan? Is this supposed to be like this? Dr. Stan Gassko: Uh... no, that's incorrect. [carefully removes syringe]