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Two loose-cannon narcotics cops investigate the flow of Ecstacy into Florida.
Marcus Burnett: Have my daughter back by 10:01. If she's not back by 10:01 I'm in the car, locked, loaded and hunting your motherfucking ass down. Mike Lowery: And I'ma be with him. [pulls gun] Mike Lowery: You know what it gonna be if I'm there, gonna be Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nigga.
Mike Lowery: We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.
Marcus Burnett: You a virgin? Reggie: Yes, sir. Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight. Mike Lowery: You ever made love to a man? Reggie: No. Mike Lowery: You want to?
Mike Lowery: [pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] What are you on? Look at your pupils. Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils? [tries to cross his eyes]
Marcus Burnett: My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night. Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get. Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.
[Repeated Line] Marcus Burnett: Woosah...
Mike Lowery: [pretending to be drunk] Nigga, who is it at the door? Marcus Burnett: It's Reggie! Mike Lowery: Who the fuck is Reggie? Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out. Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigga? Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out. Mike Lowery: Motherfucker, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out? Reggie: Yes, sire? Mike Lowery: How old is you? Reggie: Fifteen. Mike Lowery: Shit, nigga. You at least thirty.
Heavy Black Woman: [Screaming at store manager] You got porno and homo shows up in here in front of my babies? What kind of freak-ass store is this? Heavy Black Woman: [to Mike and Marcus as they walk by] Hmm, and you two muthafuckas need Jesus.
Floyd Poteet: We've got our rights. Mike Lowery: Why don't you exercise your right to shut the fuck up?
[to his sister, a Miami DEA agent] Marcus Burnett: That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous. [pauses] Marcus Burnett: I'm telling Mommy.
Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats. Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called, umm... Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.
Capt. Howard: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - "Good morning, Marcus." "Good morning, Mike." "How you doin'?" "Ai'ight." "So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?" "Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?" Mike Lowery: They were dead before we ran over them. Capt. Howard: It doesn't matter if they were dead or not, goddamn it! Every time you leave a corpse on the street, I have to get these detective guys to come in and see what happened. See? They're detecting shit. Then I've gotta get these forensic coroner guys to stick 'em back in the fucking bag! Jesus Christ!
Klan Leader: WHITE POWER! Klansman: WHITE POWER! [Two of the guys in hoods whip them off, revealing Mike and Marcus, pointing guns at the Klan] Mike Lowery: Blue power, motherfuckers! Miami PD! Marcus Burnett: Aw, damn! It's the niggras!
Mike Lowery: Now *that's* how you supposed to shoot! From now on, that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that. WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some dysfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.
Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her! Mike Lowery: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job? Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!
Marcus Burnett: Mike, the man has a gun to my head! Mike Lowery: I bet he'll put it down if I put a hollow point in his eye, now won't he? Casper: Your partner's a cocky nigger! Mike Lowery: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Why can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?
Marcus Burnett: [opens his front door] Who the FUCK are you? Reggie: I'm Reggie, Mr. Burnett Marcus Burnett: How old are you? Reggie: I'm fifteen, Mr. Burnett Marcus Burnett: Motherfucker, you look thirty.
Capt. Howard: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?
Mike Lowery: You know, Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well, not this one, 'cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should definitely get one just like it.
[staring into the captain's fishbowl after ingesting X] Marcus Burnett: This is a nice fish. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.
Mike Lowery: It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.
Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth.
Mike Lowery: Change the station. More music, less Marcus. If you open the door, he'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes.
[to Mike] Marcus Burnett: You're like a pitbull with that pink thing hanging out.
Marcus Burnett: I think we just broke the record for the number of gun fights in one week.
Marcus Burnett: [about Mike] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man. Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass? Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you. Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I was shooting. I did at lot of shooting. But I'm not saying I shot you in the ass... but I'm not saying I didn't shoot you... [looks] Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass! Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.
[after Marcus vomits in the morgue] Mike Lowery: Come here! Marcus Burnett: I'm... I'm back in the game. Mike Lowery: [searching a corpse's cavity] Think I got something... feels like a bag. [pulls it out] Mike Lowery: Shit, naw, it's his kidney. [Marcus runs back to the sink and retches again]
Marcus Burnett: You see that? Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars! How'd I not see that? Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful. Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that!
Marcus Burnett: Mike, I can't even get an erection. I tried taking Viagra. Popped one, popped two. I've been eating them like Skittles.
Mike Lowery: Okay, look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on, you can't say the word "flaccid" to me. This is our little "boundary box." We're gonna take the word "flaccid" and put it in there with my mom's titties, and your erection problem, and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau.
[Mike's way of saying I'm sorry] Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg. Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.
Mike Lowery: [singing] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you? [Marcus starts ad-libbing the first verse] Mike Lowery: Dude, you gotta learn the words. Marcus Burnett: We usually only do the chorus.
Mike Lowery: [on hearing the repair bill for his Ferrari] TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND? Oh, kiss my black ass...!
Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE? Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking? Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
Mike Lowery: [a car flies over, nearly colliding with Mike's Ferrari] WHOOOOO, THAT one puckered up my butt-hole!
Marcus Burnett: [referring to the loose swimming pool ladder] Get my screwdriver! Damn bolts. Theresa: Don't mind him. He's just upset because he was injured. Syd: Is he okay? Theresa: His wound is fine. It's, um... *other things* that were affected. Syd: Oh... oh! Marcus Burnett: Theresa! Theresa: What? Marcus Burnett: [to Syd] It's just nerve damage. [to Theresa] Marcus Burnett: You not gonna spoil this... I'll talk to you about it.
Marcus Burnett: [while ingested with ecstasy, Marcus is wearing Captain Howard's robe walking downstairs talking on the phone] I love it when you call me bunny lobe. Mike Lowery: SHIT! Marcus Burnett: Yeah girl, you should see this sexy shit I got on. Capt. Howard: Who the hell are you talking to? Marcus Burnett: Vargas and Rub... Reyes. They said they down for whatever.
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: [Watches his house get blown up] Oh, my God! No! God! Oh, my God!
[while driving across Tapia's estate in a stolen Humvee, being shot at by the Cuban Army] Mike Lowery: Man, Plan B does not have that big-ass gun in it! Marcus Burnett: You call this Plan B? What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit! Mike Lowery: Look, do you want to drive? Marcus Burnett: Yeah, pull over by those motherfuckers with the MACHINE GUN!
[Alexei's partner is cut into pieces by Tapia's gang and brought to him in a tortilla bin] Alexei: With all due respect, Mr. Tapia. In my country, I see such things all the time. Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'm sorry for your country. Alexei: It's got to be some Cuban stupid tradition to put him in a tortilla bin, huh? Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Now, listen to me, you Russian punk. I, me, Johnny Tapia, will sever your head off. Alexei: You kill me, and you'll have a shit storm.
Capt. Howard: I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.
Mike Lowery: You got three seconds to put your gun down, sir. Marcus Burnett: He has emotional anger issue problems! Mike Lowery: One... Marcus Burnett: He goes to bed early for this shit! Just to wake up to pop one in a motherfucker! Mike Lowery: Two... Marcus Burnett: Mike, no...! [a Klansman behind Mike grabs a shotgun] Marcus Burnett: GUN! [Mike spins and shoots the Klansmen, then shoots Casper between the eyes as Marcus ducks. Far away, the TNT team hears the gunfire] TNT Leader: Rock and roll, let's go! Klan Leader: Kill them cops! [gunfight begins]
Mike Lowery: Look, Captain, these were not normal corpses. Capt. Howard: If I threw you out of moving truck and then ran over your head, you wouldn't be normal either!
Mike Lowery: Look, I'm down with your spiritual enlightenment and all that, but I need to know right now some crackhead come rollin' up behind me with a nine you gonna cook that fool. Marcus Burnett: Of course, shoot him in the leg. Mike Lowery: Forget that leg shit, man. Marcus Burnett: Everybody deserves a little dignity. Mike Lowery: What about my dignity? Your crackhead gonna be missin' a kneecap, I'm gonna be in a body bag.
[after Mike and Marcus's latest massive gunfight/car chase] Capt. Howard: [trying to stay calm] So, you got the drugs. [they shake their heads] Capt. Howard: No drugs. Oh, okay. What about the money? [they shake theirs heads] Capt. Howard: No money. Well then, who's this x-man? Marcus Burnett: Captain, I was at a family barbecue... Mike Lowery: We don't know, but we are going to find out. Capt. Howard: [points to the TV news] Well then, all that... was for nothing? Mike Lowery: Oh, we didn't do *all* of that.
Mike Lowery: All right, everybody start shooting at somebody! Shoot! Shoot! [everyone does, then] Marcus Burnett: Shit, I'm out! Mike Lowery: [checks his pistol] I got two rounds left. Marcus Burnett: [checks his pistol] One in the chamber. Syd: [checks her pistol] I'm out. Mike Lowery: All these guns in here, and don't none of y'all got no bullets? Tito Vargas: I got one, in my hip! Syd: Oh God, he's hit!
Marcus Burnett: [driving with Mike down a hill, through cocaine-processing shacks, in a stolen Humvee] Is this still plan B? Mike Lowery: Naw, this is definitely plan C!
Marcus Burnett: [after Mike has killed yet another lead, this time throwing him under a train] We lost the coffin and you barbequed our lead, Mike. This has got to be the worst, most emotional cop week of my life.
Mike Lowery: [after a car nearly kills Mike and Marcus during the MacArthur causeway chase] Woooooooo! Marcus Burnett: That motherfucker flipped! Mike Lowery: That one puckered up my butthole. Marcus Burnett: Almost fuckin' crushed my head.
Mike Lowery: See, that's that new spiritual shit my partner's on. Me? I actually prefer shooting motherfuckers.
Mike Lowery: [in a stand off] A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions!
Mike Lowery: Hey, isn't it low tide? Marcus Burnett: Yes, I think it is. Mike Lowery: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up? Detective Mateo Reyes: You went too far on that one.
Capt. Howard: CHRIST! Fuck! Marcus Burnett: [soothingly] Captain! Remember your pressure points...
[while fleeing Tapia and the Cuban Army in a stolen Humvee, armed with almost-empty guns] Mike Lowery: Hey, Marcus, you know how when we usually get in these situations, you know I'm always trying to make you feel better, like we're gonna be all right, like we're gonna make it? Marcus Burnett: Yeah, yeah... Mike Lowery: I could say it, but... it'd be a bunch of bullshit today.
Mike Lowery: Just 'cause you got that gun to my partner's head, you're thinking I ain't gonna splatter your shit all over this swamp, huh? Marcus Burnett: That's what I'm thinking! Mike Lowery: See, what you don't understand is my partner came here tonight prepared to die. Marcus Burnett: He... Hell, no!
Detective Marco Vargas: Listen, we're thinking about ordering a little bit of lunch. Detective Mateo Reyes: Should we put you down for a bucket of extra crispy, and a couple of grape sodas? Marcus Burnett: [mimics] 'A couple of grape sodas.'
Capt. Howard: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa! Marcus Burnett: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick? Capt. Howard: [motioning to Mike] I was referring to him.
Marcus Burnett: Shit just got real.
[after decimating the gang with gunfire] Mike Lowery: Now show 'em your badge!
[Repeated Line] Floyd Poteet: I've got my rights.
Marcus Burnett: Police! Pull over! Stop the car! Mike Lowery: Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him!
Mike Lowery: Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now. Detective Mateo Reyes: [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again. Mike Lowery: I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now.
Mike Lowery: Vargas, abort, abort! We're not gonna make it to the tunnel! Go to Plan B! We're going to Plan B! Marcus Burnett: What Plan B? Mike Lowery: [pause] You don't pay attention to SHIT! That's your problem...! [they start arguing in the middle of the gunfight] Syd: Are you fucking shitting me? LET'S GO! Mike Lowery: [to Marcus] Follow me, FOLLOW ME! Detective Mateo Reyes: [in the escape tunnel] Plan B? What the hell is Plan B?
[Mike accidentally shot Marcus in the ass] Detective Mateo Reyes: Yo Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss? You know, make it feel better? Detective Marco Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here. Marcus Burnett: Say, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the fuck on! Detective Mateo Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man. Detective Marco Vargas: It's sad, man.
Marcus Burnett: [during a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk. Mike Lowery: You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead. Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration! [more gunfire] Mike Lowery: They can't hear you, 'cause they're still shooting at you!
Carlos: It's not good, boss. [Johnny looks in the storeroom and sees rats nesting in stacks of his cash, and eating through it] Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Oh, my God... [cocks his pistol and shoots at several rats] Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Fucking ratones, eating my fucking money! [sighs] Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Carlos, this is a stupid fucking problem to have. But, it is a problem nonetheless.
Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.
[repeated line] Mike Lowery: That's that bullshit.
Mike Lowery: Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reimbursement... Capt. Howard: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.
Marcus Burnett: Damn, it's the niggras!
Mike Lowery: We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man. Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets. Capt. Howard: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.
[Marcus interrogates a dead gang member] Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table. [turns around to see another dead gang member] Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all fucked up. Mike Lowery: What's your point? Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.
[Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit] Marcus Burnett: Are you a model or a cop? Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all. Marcus Burnett: For who? Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game. Marcus Burnett: Hate the tailor.
Mike Lowery: [to Tapia, who has him at gunpoint] Look, why don't we all go home... well we'll go home, you go to a hotel, and we'll work this shit out another day cause none of us is really having a good day right now.
[Johnny has just shot his cousin Roberto - upon hearing the shot, Mama rushes out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard] Donna Maria Tapia: What happened to Roberto? Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: He just killed himself, Mama. Donna Maria Tapia: Ai! Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Yes, very sad. Donna Maria Tapia: You write his mother a nice letter. [Johnny holds up his hands, one of which is still holding the gun he shot Roberto with] Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'll do it.
[after Mike lifts the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue] Marcus Burnett: Mike! Mike Lowery: What? Marcus Burnett: Show some dignity! Mike Lowery: I ain't doin' nothin'. Marcus Burnett: Cover her titties up! Mike Lowery: What-what-what am I gonna do with these, these big-ass dead titties? Marcus Burnett: But you're *lookin'* at them. Mike Lowery: There is something seriously wrong with your brain, man. Marcus Burnett: Just cover up her titties.
Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down! Mike Lowery: Calm down? I'm calm! I'm calm... Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving!
[after Mike's flashback about his therapy] Marcus Burnett: Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out, not bang your therapist. Mike Lowery: Now you just talking nasty.
Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot. Syd: What did you say? Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.
[during the car chase/gunfight with the Haitian gang, a stray shot smashes the headlight of Mike's Ferrari] Mike Lowery: Ah, shit, shit! Hey, definitely shoot that motherfucker that just... aw, man, my headlight!
[Snell and his team, and the TNT squad, want to go to Cuba with Mike and Marcus] DEA Tony Dodd: We don't know you, but you look like you're about to do something stupid. I'm in. TNT Fanuti: He tell you how fuckin' crazy us former Delta guys are?
Mike Lowery: Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba. Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out? Mike Lowery: That's my DAWG.
[to Syd] Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City". Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!
[as Marcus starts to examine a dead body, the top of its head falls off and hits the ground. Marcus retches, stumbles to a sink, and spits up] Mike Lowery: That's that bullshit, that I be talking about. Marcus Burnett: Mike, the motherfuckin' head fell off!