When a Harvard-educated CIA agent is killed during an operation, the secret agency recruits his twin brother.

Gaylord Oaks: Where are You?
Jake Hayes: At the corner of eat shit and fuck you.
Jake Hayes: If you stayed on top of things, you'd understand that the traditional checks are not 100% fool-proof. This last test was designed by the head of nuclear science at Caltech, a Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre, along with Dr. Irving and Professor Griffin and the rest of the Wu Tang Clan, know that it is best when you have a baseline screen situation to achieve a pulsopular cataclysmic calibration or something we like to call the Shaq Attack.
Michelle Petrov: Shaq Attack?
Jake Hayes: Yes, named after Dr. O'Neal of Los Angeles, formerly of Orlando.
Gaylord Oaks: [after trying to guilt Jake into coming back] Well, that didn't work did it?
Jake Hayes: No!
[mocking Oaks]
Jake Hayes: "I'm going to go outside and count to ten"? Who the hell are you? You'd would have done better with "Bitch, get in the car".
Gaylord Oaks: Okay. Get in the car... bitch.
Jake Hayes: I don't speak terrorist.
[while training Jake to deal with a kidnapping]
Jake Hayes: They woke me up, man!
Gaylord Oaks: Yeah, that's the funny thing about an ambush. Next time we'll try to let you know.
Jake Hayes: Does it play DVDs?
Seale: No. It's a portable thermonucular (sic) bomb!
Lenka: Mr. Turner, it's so glad to have you back so soon.
Jake Hayes: Thank you, Lepenka, I hope you haven't given up my room.
Lenka: Certainly not, sir.
Jake Hayes: This is beautiful.
Gaylord Oaks: Her name is Lenka. You just called her Lepenka, which means cardboard.
[first lines]
Adrik Vas: Your friend is late.
Michael Turner: He'll be here.
Adrik Vas: Yeah, I *do* have other bidders.
Michael Turner: I personally vouch for this man.
Adrik Vas: Oh, well I trust you Michael. You see, each degree of separation comes with a degree of uncertainty.
[second day; Jake wakes up when water is dumped on his head]
Gaylord Oaks: Get dressed.
Jake Hayes: It's 4:59!
Roland Yates: So, what are our chances?
Gaylord Oaks: Oh, I'd say anywhere between... nil and zero.
Roland Yates: Why do you say that?
Gaylord Oaks: Oh well, I grant you he's got potential. He's pretty street-smart. Give me six months, he could probably fool his brother's own parents. But eight days? Come on, you gotta be kidding me. He'll probably get himself killed, and everyone who goes along with him.
Jake Hayes: Is this shit dangerous?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes there's some risk.
Jake Hayes: What kind of risk, you talkin' bank credit risk, or bullet-in-ass risk?
Roland Yates: If it breathes, it dies.
Jake Hayes: In my foster house, we were so poor, we used to lick stamps for dinner.
[first day]
Gaylord Oaks: Good morning, Mr. Hayes, five A.M., time to begin.
Jake Hayes: [not getting up] How about three more hours of sleep and some breakfast?
Gaylord Oaks: How about a nice shower?
[he pours a pitcher of water on Jake's head]
Roland Yates: Don't worry, son, there'll be extra money for this mission.
Jake Hayes: Hey, man, first of all, I'm not your son. Second of all, did it ever occur to you that I might want to do something 'cause it's the right thing? Hey, I'm the one with the dead brother, I'm the one who misses his girl, and I'm supposed to put up with your shit 'cause you're a spy? Big deal! Every woman on the planet's a spy! Man, you guys can't even find Saddam Hussein! You know, if you told a woman, right now at 8:00 in the morning, that her husband was sleeping with Saddam Hussein, she'd be able to find Saddam by 8:00 that night, and say "Saddam, don't you ever come around my house no more!" Hey, I did you a favor, OK? You called me! Now, if you ever talk down to me again, I will beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. You better act right before you get smacked right, Bitch.
Jake Hayes: [goofing around with Czech/English dictionary]
Roland Yates: What's he saying?
Officer Swanson: He said, "I haven't had my period in 3 months".
Jake Hayes: [continues stringing Czech words together]
Roland Yates: Now what?
Officer Swanson: "Where is the hospital, I have a vaginal infection."
Jake Hayes: Is this fish?
Nicole: Yeah, of course. You love fish.
Jake Hayes: That's right. I love fish, but that's before I became a vegetarian. Oh, waiter, waiter! I can't eat this. Can you get me something else? How about a steak, medium well, please.
Jake Hayes: You got the wrong guy. I don't even have a brother. That's just a picture of me in a suit. You could've got that off the internet. I saw a picture of Bill Gates with three titties on the net.
Seale: Bomb on American soil. That's a nightmare we always talked about. How do you think they got it here?
Gaylord Oaks: You'd be surprised what you can send by air freight.
[playing chess in the park]
Jake Hayes: I'm going to do this. Then you're going to do this. Then I'm going to do this. Now you're going to want to do this, but I'm going to do this. And when you're thinking about doing this, I'm going to do this. And then the game is over. So what say you give me twenty dollars and we save twenty minutes?
[Jake is watching his twin brother on tape]
Jake Hayes: Man, this is buggin' me out. I feel like Michael Jackson lookin' at old album covers.
Jake Hayes: You guys still there?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes, Mr. Hayes, we're still here.
Jake Hayes: And you've got guns, right?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes, Mr. Hayes, we have guns.
Jake Hayes: Okay. Well, make sure you got bullets in them.
Gaylord Oaks: Mmm-hmm, lots of bullets.
[third day: Oaks enters with a pitcher of water]
Gaylord Oaks: Good morning, Mr. Hayes. Five A.M.
[he pours the water on an empty bed]
Jake Hayes: No, 5:01!
[Jake appears, fully dressed, and throws a pitcher of water in Oaks's face]
Nicole: Who'd shooting at us?
Jake Hayes: Rival antique dealers!
Jake Hayes: You didn't know chess was a contact sport, did'ja.
[studying photos of Vas and Adjanic's men on an elmo]
Jake Hayes: Why do they call this guy "The Hammer"?
[another photo]
Jake Hayes: WHOA!
Jake Hayes: So you're leaving me and going back to Ken, that's what I asked you...
Julie: The Ken part is just business.
Jake Hayes: Then what's the leaving me part, pleasure?
Julie: Pain.
Gaylord Oaks: Did you see what happened there?
Jake Hayes: I got jacked!
Gaylord Oaks: No, you panicked. Your brain shut down. What's the good of having a brain if you won't use it?
Jake Hayes: My brain didn't shut down. I knew it was Swanson 'cause I could feel her tits on my back.
[Swanson takes off her mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Carew, because his breath smelled like shit, probably from kissing your ass so much!
[Carew takes off his mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Seale, 'cause I took his wallet. Hey Seale, why's a married man need a condom? Your wife know?
[Seale takes off his mask and snatches his wallet]
Jake Hayes: You want to know how I knew it was you?
Gaylord Oaks: Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much, goodnight.
[after coming back from a meeting with Vas]
Gaylord Oaks: They put a transponder chip in the phone they gave you that tells them everywhere you went in the last two weeks. Which is why we switched the chips, so it wouldn't tell them you went to Langley.
Jake Hayes: And what if you hadn't?
Gaylord Oaks: They'd have shot both of us in the head. I'm feeling hungry, how about you?
Agent Wells: Vas' account number received, initiating wire transfer from Midlands National bank of bullshit. Man is Vas gonna be pissed when he goes to an ATM.
Gaylord Oaks: Now this is Adrik Vas. He's a Russian ex-Army colonel and a kingpin in the Russian mafia. He's up to his neck in prostitution, drugs, and extortion.
Jake Hayes: [shrugs] Sounds like anybody I went to high school with.
Gaylord Oaks: Did you know your brother died saving my life? I wish it had been the other way around, but there it is.
Jake Hayes: How are his parents taking it?
Jake Hayes: You haven't told his parents. How would you feel if you died and nobody told your wife?
Gaylord Oaks: I'm not married.
Jake Hayes: What, there's no Mrs. Spy?
Gaylord Oaks: No, relationships and attachments are useless in this business.
Jake Hayes: So that's how it is. Even if they don't shoot you, they take your life.
Gaylord Oaks: I know it sounds hokey, but I honestly believe that our work is about something bigger than ourselves. We're offering you the chance to become part of that, find a purpose.
Jake Hayes: You ain't offering me nothing but a chance to get a bullet in my ass. I don't see the higher meaning in that.
Jake Hayes: I'm not goin' nowhere.I just got married.Can't a brother get a piece of cake?
Gaylord Oaks: The guy who escapes is Carlos Palmeros, the world's foremost assassin.
Jake Hayes: Carl - I don't care if it's Carlos Santana, the world's foremost guitarist!
[last lines]
Gaylord Oaks: Your wife is calling you, Mr. Hayes.
Julie: Husband...
Gaylord Oaks: Get in the car - bitch.
Jake Hayes: [shouting at shooter on the speeding car's bonnet] Get off! Off! Take a bus!
Gaylord Oaks: I'm never going to get married, never again.
Jake Hayes: You never gonna get married again? First thing you gotta learn is, you don't take your girlfriend to a wedding.
Jake Hayes: [to Agent Oakes while their car falls down a cliff after being chased by shooters] I hate you! I hate you!
Jake Hayes: [while being chased by a car full of shooters] I want to go to Jersey!
Jake Hayes: I want to see my girl!
Jake Hayes: I want to watch Oprah!