A grizzled little league coach tries to turn his team of misfits into champs.

Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?
Tanner Boyle: My dad says the only people who put ketchup on hot dogs are mental patients, and Texans.
Morris Buttermaker: [watching girls play softball] You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.
Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.
Timothy Lupus: Sometimes bird poo tastes like candy.
Mike Engelberg: [Buttermaker falls down drunk] Is he dead?
Prem Lahiri: No, he is drunk.
Tanner Boyle: Screw this, man, I'm takin' his wallet.
Morris Buttermaker: You guys swing like Helen Keller at a PiƱata party.
Morris Buttermaker: Nice tits, Engelberg.
Morris Buttermaker: [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch] It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?
Morris Buttermaker: [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!
Morris Buttermaker: [as he's yelling at the ump] What are you on? 'Cause I want some!
Morris Buttermaker: [reading names off roster] Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?
Garo Daragebrigadian: No, Armenian.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, they both built pyramids.
Timothy Lupus: I got stitches on my foot.
Matthew Hooper: Oh yeah? Well, I'm in a damn wheelchair!
Morris Buttermaker: I struck out Mike Schmidt in an exhibition game. Struck his ass right out.
Prem Lahiri: I think I just entered puberty.
Woman: Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the
[looking at Toby]
Woman: S-H-l-T end of the stick.
Morris Buttermaker: [to Toby] Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?
Prem Lahiri: Hey, cut it out, poop-face!
Tanner Boyle: Poop-face? Are you kidding me? Elmo flips better shit than you!
Amanda Whurlitzer: Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.
Morris Buttermaker: You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?
Amanda Whurlitzer: I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.
Morris Buttermaker: Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team
Matthew Hooper: Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".
Tanner Boyle: THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!
Liz Whitewood: I have been thinking a lot about you.
Morris Buttermaker: I have that effect on women.
Liz Whitewood: Really...
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.
Liz Whitewood: I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, thanks.
Morris Buttermaker: I've been disappointed before.
Morris Buttermaker: [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups] If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.
Timothy Lupus: I heard he puts money under your bed at night when you lose a tooth.
Tanner Boyle: That's the tooth fairy, you homo!
[after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy]
Morris Buttermaker: You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.
Amanda Whurlitzer: Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?
Morris Buttermaker: Do you want me to have a stroke or something?
[after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen]
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?
Matthew Hooper: Mother says I have cancer of the eye.
Tanner Boyle: [hearing a man reading "Casey at the Bat"] What a fag!
Tanner Boyle: Great. First we have to play ball with a girl? What next? A cripple?
Matthew Hooper: Hey!
Tanner Boyle: Oops, I forgot!
Morris Buttermaker: Ain't no doubt about it lady. You got a shitload of rats down there.
Garo Daragebrigadian: [holding two cans of pesticide] Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?
Morris Buttermaker: Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.
[Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning]
Toby Whitewood: Mr. Buttermaker?
Morris Buttermaker: What do you say, Whitewood?
Toby Whitewood: What are doing here?
Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.
Mike Engelberg: Gotta protect the family jewels.
Tanner Boyle: Who are you kidding. When's the last time you even saw them?
Kelly Leak: [referring to Coach Bullocks tight shorts] Do think people like seeing your nuts?
Timothy Lupus: [after Timothy has been jumped by two members of the Yankees] No one's ever stood up for me before.
Tanner Boyle: Maybe if you weren't such a spaz all the time, I wouldn't have to!
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?
Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.
Garo Daragebrigadian: Armenian
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah, right.
Morris Buttermaker: [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear] Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.
Morris Buttermaker: Is that a baggy full of bacon?
Mike Engelberg: I'm on Atkins!
[to his team after losing the first game of the season]
Morris Buttermaker: You guys look like the last shit I took.
Kelly Leak: [talking to a Hooters waitress] Hey, what time are you getting off?
Prem Lahiri: Hey Yankees, you can take your crappy trophy's and shove them right up your asses!
Tanner Boyle: Nice. See you next year bitches!
Morris Buttermaker: You with me?
Matthew Hooper: Like I said, we took a vote.
Morris Buttermaker: This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!
Joey Bullock: Hey bears, thanks for batting practice.
Jimmy: Yeah, you guys suck.
Tanner Boyle: I'll show you batting practice.
Morris Buttermaker: It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.
Lady With Rat Problem: What about the rats?
Morris Buttermaker: Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.
Morris Buttermaker: Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.

If you find QuotesGram website useful to you, please donate $10 to support the ongoing development work.