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A day in the life of a South Side Chicago barbershop.
Eddie: See, in my day, a barber was more than just somebody who sit around in a FUBU shirt with his drawers hanging all out. In my day, a barber was a counselor. He was a fashion expert. A style coach. Pimp. Just general all-around hustler. But the problem with y'all cats today, is that you got no skill. No sense of history. And then, with a straight face, got the nerve to want to be somebody. Want somebody to respect you. But it takes respect to get respect. Understand? See, I'm old. But, Lord willing, I'd be spared the sight of seeing everything that we worked for flushed down the drain by someone who don't know no better or care.
Eddie: There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!
Terri: Who drank my goddamn apple juice? Calvin: Whoa! Terri, stop cussing. This ain't Def Comedy Jam!
Boy: [to Jimmy] You cut a patch in my head! Eddie: Shane, look over there! He cut a patch in the li'l boy head; got him lookin' like "101 Dalmatians." You ever heard a' that movie? He look like a Dalmatian! That's one hundred an' two!
Eddie: Fuck Jesse Jackson!
Ricky: We don't need reparations! We need restraint! Billy: "Restraint"? Ricky: "Restraint"! Some discipline! Don't go out and buy a Range Rover when you livin' with your mama! And pay your mama some rent! And can we please, please, *please* try and teach our kids something other than the "Chronic" album? And *please*, Black people, try and be on time for something other than free before eleven at the club!
J.D.: You lock yo' door? Billy: Yeah, man; I ain't stupid! J.D.: [Billy's sister walks into the room] Then why your sister in the room, man?
Billy: [contemplating what to do with the money in the stolen ATM] First thing I'ma do... I'ma get me a tattoo. It gon' say, "Thug Nasty, Nasty Thug!"
Dinka: [answering phone] Barbershop. Oh. Dinka: [to Terri] Terri, it's Kevin. Terri: I'm not here. Dinka: What? Terri: I'm *not here*! Dinka: [into phone] I know you heard that! [hangs up receiver]
J.D.: Hey, don't drop the soap!
[repeated line/entering barbershop on DVD] Terri: Who drank my apple juice?
Eddie: Knock his college ass out!
Jimmy: Eddie, not only is what you're saying not true, it is wrong and disrespectful for you to discuss Rosa Parks in that way. Eddie: Wait, hold on here. Is this a barbershop? Is this a barbershop? If we can't talk straight in a barbershop, then where can we talk straight? We can't talk straight nowhere else. You know, this ain't nothin' but healthy conversation, that's all.
Isaac: This is who I am. And whether you believe it or not, I'm gonna be like this tomorrow.
Dinka: I'm big-boned, Rick! Hefty! Rotund! There's too much of myself to go around!
Eddie: [Calvin tells Eddie that he sold the barbershop] This ain't no Goddamn school of the blind, Calvin! This is the barbershop! The place where a black man means something! Cornerstone of the neighborhood! Our own country club! I mean, can't you see that? Hell, that's the problem with your whole generation. You know, y'all... you don't believe in nothin'. But your father, he believed in something, Calvin. He believed and understood that something as simple as a little haircut could change the way a man felt on the inside.
Eddie: [Terri throws her roses] Hey, girl, this ain't a bullfight!
Samir: [to Calvin] For one brief embarrassing moment, I chose to give up. But your words were just the reminder I needed. Perhaps insignificant to you, but sometimes I think we're unaware of how the little things for us can be so huge for others.
Lester: [greeting each other] Eddie. Eddie: Nigga.
Calvin: You see that? That right there is Oprah's house.
Eddie: Boy, look, look! Look! Your daddy may not had a whole lot of money. Oh, but he was rich, because he invested in people. What'd you think? You think I was the only one he gave a job to, Calvin? No! That man opened up the doors to anybody and any knucklehead around here in the city of Chicago that wanted to come down here and make somebody out themselves. Gave the opportunity to be somebody! A licensed professional barber. Now, me, myself, personally... I wouldn't gave half these bail-jumpers the opportunity. But, you know, it's just hard enough. You sit in there and try to cut somebody's head and gotta worry about this fool over there trying to shank you. But let me tell you somethin'. At the end of the day... the end of the day, I was glad I was here. And now you!
Ray-Ray: [Hustling his goods] DVDs! CDs! Calvin: Not today, man... Ray-Ray: Got Cristal, MoÎt! Whatever you want, man! [DMX impersonation] Ray-Ray: Got dat new DMX, baby!
Calvin: Ray! I told you to stop coming in here soliciting. Are you retarded or something? Ray-Ray: No. Calvin: Are you stupid, simple, or slow; which one?
Terri: Don't touch my stuff no more, or there *will* be reprecussions... Jimmy: You know what, "reprecussion" my nuts! Terri: *Grow* some! Eddie: Well, you heard that, didn't you, "Planters"?
Jimmy: Let me tell you somethin'... you will *never* own a Black barbershop! Isaac: I will if I want to. Terri: If Tony Roma can make ribs better than Black people, Isaac can own a Black barbershop... Calvin: Wait a minute..."ribs better than Black people?" Jimmy: Tony Roma boils his ribs! That is *not* authentic! Dinka: Tony Roma is delicious! I don't see White or Black... I just see red sauce on everyt'ing!