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The picaresque and touching story of the politically incorrect, fully lived life of the impulsive, irascible and fearlessly blunt Barney Panofsky.
Barney Panofsky: ...and I'm just gonna keep talking here, 'cause I'm afraid that if I stop there's gonna be a pause or a break and you're gonna say 'It's getting late' or 'I should get going', and I'm not ready for that to happen. I don't want that to happen. Ever. [they pause] Miriam: There it was. The pause. Barney Panofsky: Yeah. Miriam: I'm still here.
Miriam: We can be friends now, can't we? Barney Panofsky: No. We can't. Miriam: I'm here for you if you'll let me. We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over. I want you to be at peace with that. Barney Panofsky: Have I ever given up when it comes to you? Miriam: Never. Barney Panofsky: So what makes you think I would start now?
Miriam: We were just gonna throw some burgers on the barbecue. Do you want to join us? Blair: I'm a vegan. But thank you. Barney Panofsky: A what? Is that treatable?
Miriam: Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. They have consequences. If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. Do you understand me, Barney? Barney Panofsky: Yes Miriam: What am I saying? Barney Panofsky: Be great in act, as you have in thought
Barney Panofsky: Should I sleep on the sofa? Miriam: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night.
[first lines] Blair: Hello? Barney Panofsky: Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife. Blair: Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning. Barney Panofsky: Put my wife on the phone. Blair: She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. Barney Panofsky: All right. Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do with all these nude photos I have of her. Ah, come to think of it, you actually might want them, if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Blair: [hangs up]
Izzy: You're married to a well-bred woman who is loaded, who makes a nice, flaky kugel, has a beautiful rack... and many successful marriages have been built on far less.
Dr. Morty: What kind of car do you drive? Barney Panofsky: Morty, that's fucking embarrassing. Dr. Morty: Just answer it. Barney Panofsky: A... you know, goddamn it... it's German... I can't even find the fucking thing. Why should I care what it's called?
Barney Panofsky: Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. 2nd Mrs. P's Father: He traumatized the Rabbi's wife... Barney Panofsky: I don't care if he fingered her under the table. He's my father and he'll have your respect.
2nd Mrs. P's Father: Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? Izzy: Gratuitously? I always got paid, I ain't gonna work for free.
Barney Panofsky: So you fucked her? Boogie: It was the only thing that would shut her up.
Izzy: [Staring at a sexy woman] I need to get laid...
Miriam: Are you out of your mind? Barney Panofsky: No! I'm bent over backwards in love!
Barney Panofsky: This is the paternal wisdom I'm gonna get?
Barney Panofsky: For the first time in my life, I am truly in love.
Clara 'Chambers' Charnofsky: Oh Barney, you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. Now put it away, it's disgusting to look at.