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Batman must battle Two-Face and The Riddler with help of an amourous psychologist and a young circus acrobat who becomes his sidekick, Robin.
[upon reaching Claw Island] Robin: Holey rusted metal, Batman! Batman: Huh? Robin: The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey. Batman: Oh.
[first lines] Alfred Pennyworth: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir? Batman: I'll get drive-thru.
The Riddler: Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat?
The Riddler: Joygasm!
Dick Grayson: I need a name! Batboy, Nightwing, I dunno. What you think? What's a good sidekick name? Bruce Wayne: How about Dick Grayson, college student? Dick Grayson: Screw you!
The Riddler: Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants! Behind curtain number one... [the Riddler reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room] The Riddler: The absolute fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian. She enjoys hiking, getting her nails done, and foolisihly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life! And behind curtain number two... [the Riddler reveals an identical container nearby Chase's. This one has Robin tied up] The Riddler: Batman's one and only partner. This acrobat-turned orphan likes Saturday morning cartoons and one day dreams being... The Riddler: [whispers] ... bare naked with a girl! The Riddler: And below these contestants... my personal favorite. A watery grave! [the Riddler reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers] The Riddler: [points to his scepter] Just one little touch, and you're two friends are *gull feed* on the rocks below. Not enough time to save them both. Which will it be, Batman? Bruce's love or the Dark Knight's junior partner? [the Riddler imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought] Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself. This is all one giant death trap. The Riddler: Judges? The Riddler: [makes a buzzer noise] I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But thank you for playing. [the Riddler begins to push the button on his scepter] Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you! The Riddler: For me? Really? Tell me. Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I? The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat! Batman: Exactly. [throws a batarang at his throne]
Two Face: [trying to sink Robin's boat] B12! The Riddler: Hit! And my favorite vitamin might I add.
[Two-Face destroys Robin's boat] The Riddler: YOU SUNK MY BATTLE SHIP!
Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I? The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat! Batman: Exactly. [throws a batarang at his throne]
[Edward is hiding in the shadows of his cell in Arkham Asylum] Dr. Chase Meridian: Edward? Edward Nygma: Who is it? Dr. Chase Meridian: It's Dr. Meridian; Chase. Do you remember me? Edward Nygma: How can I forget? Dr. Chase Meridian: Dr. Burton tells me that you know who Batman is. Edward Nygma: I can't tell you if you don't say "please". Dr. Chase Meridian: Edward, please. Who is Batman? Edward Nygma: [leaps out from the shadows with his outfit in the shape of a bat costume] *I'm*, Batman!
Batman: Commissioner Gordon? Dr. Chase Meridian: He's at home. I sent the signal. Batman: What's wrong? Dr. Chase Meridian: Last night at the bank I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin. It's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited. Batman: I know. You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper. Dr. Chase Meridian: Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional. Batman: You trying to get under my cape, doctor? Dr. Chase Meridian: A girl can't live by psychoses alone. Batman: It's the car, right? Chicks love the car. Dr. Chase Meridian: [laughs] What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was boys with earrings, high school; motorcycles; college, leather jackets. Now... [feels his suit] Dr. Chase Meridian: *Ah*. Black rubber. Batman: Try firemen, less to take off. [hastens away but she follows him] Dr. Chase Meridian: I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask. Batman: We all wear masks. Dr. Chase Meridian: My life's an open book. You read? Batman: I don't blend in at a family picnic. Dr. Chase Meridian: Oh, we could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche. Batman: Direct, aren't you? Dr. Chase Meridian: You like strong women. I've done my homework. Or do I need skin-tight vinyl and a whip? Batman: I haven't had that much luck with women. Dr. Chase Meridian: Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.
[hit boss on head with coffee canister] Edward Nygma: Caffeine'll KILL YA!
The Riddler: You're ruining my big party! Are you *insane*? Two-Face: Just waiting for you to deliver the Batman, dear boy. The Riddler: Patience, O Bifurcated One! Two-Face: Patience is hell! We want him dead! The Riddler: Well, you could have let me in on the caper. We could have organized this, planned it... pre-sold the movie rights. Two-Face: Ha! [Batman enters through the skylight, and begins to fight Two-Face's thugs] The Riddler: Your entrance was good. His was better. [Batman continues to fight thugs] The Riddler: The difference: showmanship!
Robin: I can't promise I won't kill Harvey. Batman: A man's got to go his own way. A friend taught me that. Robin: Not just a friend. [extends his hand] Batman: A partner. [shakes it]
The Riddler: Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions. Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now, because I choose to be.
Gang Leader: Who the hell are you? Dick Grayson: I'm Batman. [the gang laughs] Dick Grayson: Hey, so I forgot my suit alright?
Batman: I read your work. Insightful. Naive, but insightful. Dr. Chase Meridian: I'm flattered. Not every girl makes a superhero's night table.
Alfred Pennyworth: Broken wings mend in time. One day Robin will fly again. I promise.
[Two-Face cries on seeing a newspaper report of Batman's latest escape] The Riddler: That's what I said. Then I taught my doggie a new trick: how to map the human mind. Would you like to see what our old friend Bruce Wayne has in his head? [he plugs in the disk with Bruce Wayne's memory; on the screen they see the image of the giant bat. Two-Face starts laughing] The Riddler: Riddle me this, what sort of a man has bats on the brain? Go ahead, you can say it. Two-Face: You're a genius! The Riddler: Oh, stop!
The Riddler: Hey Two-Face, show me how to punch a guy! Two-Face: Oh, it's dead simple, my boy. Two-Face: [demonstrates] Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert yourself. [knocks guard out with one punch] The Riddler: Ohhhh, that looks like fun! Lemme try! *Lemme try!* Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert your... [hits guard with no effect and holds his hand in agony] The Riddler: OW!
Bruce Wayne: "We're 5 little items of an everyday sort. You'll find us all in a tennis court". In... A-E-I-O-U. Vowels. Alfred Pennyworth: Not entirely unclever, sir, but what do a clock, a match, chess pawns, and vowels have in common? What do these riddles mean? Bruce Wayne: Every riddle has a number in the question and they arrived at this order: 13, 1, 8, and 5. Alfred Pennyworth: 13, 1, 8, and 5. What do they mean? Bruce Wayne: Perhaps letters of the alphabet? Alfred Pennyworth: Of course, 13 is M. Bruce Wayne: 1 would be A, 8 would be H, and 5 would be E. Alfred Pennyworth: M-A-H-E. Bruce Wayne: Perhaps 1 and 8 are 18. Alfred Pennyworth: 18 is R. M-R-E. Bruce Wayne: How about Mr. E.? Alfred Pennyworth: Mystery. Bruce Wayne: And another name for mystery? Alfred Pennyworth: Enigma. Bruce Wayne: Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma. Stickley's suicide was obviously a computer-generated forgery. Alfred Pennyworth: You really are quite bright, despite what people say.
Dr. Chase Meridian: By the way, do you have a first name, or do I just call you Bats?
The Riddler: Like the jacket? It keeps me safe when I'm... jogging at night!
Alfred Pennyworth: Is the young master leaving? Pity. I'll just toss this away, then. Perhaps the dogs are hungry.
Edward Nygma: [as Fred dangles at the edge of the broken window over the water chasim] Fred, Babe, you are fired, or should I say: Terminated! [lets Fred fall to his death] Edward Nygma: Surfs up, Big Kahona! [splash] Edward Nygma: Ooooo, nice form, but a little rough on the landing. He may have to settle for the bronze. [laughs]
The Riddler: [of Two-Face's Lair] I simply love what you've done with the place. Heavy Metal meets House and Garden.
Two-Face: One man is born a hero, his brother a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat. Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion. Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!
[Chase has told the Riddler that Batman will come for her] The Riddler: [imitating Cesar Romero's Joker] Batman? Batman, you say? Coming for you? [laughs] The Riddler: I'm... COUNTING ON IT!
Dick Grayson: All I can think about every second of the day is getting Two-Face. He took my whole life. And when I was out there tonight, I imagined it was him that I was fighting, even when I was fighting you. And all the pain went away. Do you understand? Bruce Wayne: Yes, I do. Dick Grayson: Good, cause you gotta help me find him. And when we do, I'm the one who kills him. Bruce Wayne: So, you're willing to take a life. Dick Grayson: Long as it's Two-Face. Bruce Wayne: Then it will happen this way: You make the kill, but your pain doesn't die with Harvey, it grows. So you run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another, until one terrible morning you wake up and realize that revenge has become your whole life. And you won't know why. Dick Grayson: You can't understand. Your family wasn't killed by a maniac. Bruce Wayne: Yes, they were. We're the same.
[last lines] Dr. Chase Meridian: Don't work too late.
The Riddler: [to Two-Face, who has just blown a hole in the ceiling of his lair] Has anybody ever told you you have a SERIOUS IMPULSE-CONTROL PROBLEM?
[Two-Face and the Riddler enter Wayne Manor] The Riddler: Seize-and-capture... Two-Face: [sighs, to his thugs] No killing. [Riddler leans in] The Riddler: That goes *double* for you.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce is with Chase when he contacts him] I'm sorry to bother you, sir. But I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick. Bruce Wayne: What, is he all right? Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone traveling. Bruce Wayne: He ran away? Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, he took the car. Bruce Wayne: He boosted the Jag? Alfred Pennyworth: Not the Jaguar. The other car. Bruce Wayne: The Bentley? Alfred Pennyworth: No, sir. The *other* car.
The Riddler: [to Two Face after Batman shows up] Your entrance was good... his was better. The difference: showmanship.
Robin: Ju want to take a ride in my love machine, bay-bay?
The Riddler: If you look at the numbers on my face you won't find 13 anyplace.
[Dick tries to open a door in Wayne Manor, but it won't budge] Alfred Pennyworth: May I help you, Master Grayson? Dick Grayson: How come this is the only locked door in this museum? What've you got back here? Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne's dead wives. [Dick gives him a look] Alfred Pennyworth: The silver closet. On your way.
The Riddler: [while looking for the Batcave] OK. Now, if I was a superhero, where would I hide?
The Riddler: [Upon discovering the Batcave] Spank me!
Bruce Wayne: Just what the hell do you think you were doing? Dick Grayson: You got a *real* graditiude problem, you know that Bruce? I need a name, Batboy? Nightwing? I don't know, help me out, what's a good side-kick name? Bruce Wayne: How about: Dick Grayson; College Student. Dick Grayson: Screw you. I just saved your life. You owe me. Bruce Wayne: You were totally out of control, you're gonna get yourself killed. Dick Grayson: You're looking at a new partner. Bruce Wayne: [Aggravated] No! Dick Grayson: Bruce. whenever you go out at night, I'll be watching. And wherever Batman goes, I'm gonna be right beside him. I mean, how you gonna stop me? Bruce Wayne: [Stands up] I can stop you. Dick Grayson: [Hands Alfred his costume] Al. Put this next to the Bat suit, where it belongs.
The Riddler: [while raiding a jewelry store and looking at a diamond through a hand-held microscope] Here's a good one. Two-Face: No, no, no. [shows the Riddler a bigger diamond] Two-Face: Now, *there* is a good one.
The Riddler: [turns on the other Boxes for Sugar and Spice, then shows him his Box wand] This is how I found you. Let me demonstrate. [puts the wand on Two-Face's head] The Riddler: This is your brain on the Box. [takes the wand off of Two-Face's head] The Riddler: This is my brain on the Box. [puts the wand on his own head] The Riddler: Does anybody else feel like a fried egg? Two-Face: We'll have a bit more, thank you. The Riddler: Oh, there's more. But only the first one's free. Here's the bargain: you will help me steal production capital, so I can put a Box on every TV in town. So I can become Gotham's cleverest carbon-based life-form! And in return... is everybody paying attention? I will help you solve the greatest riddle of all... the mother of all riddles: "Who is Batman?"
The Riddler: [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions. Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be. [holds out his hand. The Riddler backs away as he sees a bat] The Riddler: AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH!
Dr. Chase Meridian: He'll slaughter them without thinking twice. Batman: Agreed. A trauma powerful enough to create an alternate personality leaves the victim... Dr. Chase Meridian: Batman: Exactly. Dr. Chase Meridian: Like you. - Well, let's just say that I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent. Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
[Stops Two Face killing Batman] The Riddler: Don't kill him! If you kill him, he won't learn nothin'!
The Riddler: For if knowledge is power, then a GOD AM *I*! [pauses] The Riddler: Was that over the top? I can never tell.
Alfred Pennyworth: The eight of us go forth, not back. To protect our king from the foe's attack.
[after shooting down the Batplane] The Riddler: I hope they can find the little black box.
Two-Face: For your dying pleasure, we are serving the very same acid that made us the men we are today.
[the elevator beeps] Two-Face: Very punctual, even to his own funeral! Boys, kill the Bat!
Two-Face: What? The Riddler: I hope you made extra. Two-Face: Who the hell are you? The Riddler: Just a friend. But you can call me... the Riddler. Two-Face: [grabs Riddler by the collar] We'll call you dead, more likely! How did you find us here? The Riddler: But then if I talked, what would keep you from killing me anyway, O Bifurcated One? [looks at Two-Face's disfigurement] The Riddler: By the way, that's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking. Two-Face: Oh? [puts pistol to Riddler's head] Two-Face: Let's see if you bleed green! The Riddler: Harvey! I don't think it's me you really want to kill. That'd be too easy for someone as sophisticated as you... and you. But Batman... [gasps] The Riddler: Now, there's a challenge! Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea! [Two-Face feigns modesty] The Riddler: Just think of it, a few bullets hit home, a quick splash of blood, and then what? Wet hands... post-homicidal depression. [whimpers] The Riddler: I can help you get Batman. [looks at Two-Face's pistol] The Riddler: That is if you'll spare my life for just a few moments. Two-Face: [cocks his head in amusment and puts his gun away] Heh... The Riddler: Thank you.
Two-Face: [jams a gun into the annoying Riddler's cheek] Let's see if you bleed green.
The Riddler: Tell the fat lady she's on in five.
Gang Leader: Who the hell are you? Dick Grayson: I'm Batman. [the whole gang starts laughing] Dick Grayson: Okay, so I forgot my suit, all right!
Alfred Pennyworth: Young men with a mind for revenge need little encouragement. They need guidance. You, above all, should know the consequences of the life you choose.
Bruce Wayne: I was scared at first, but only at first.
Two Face: Let's start this party with a bang.
Two-Face: Why can't you just die?
Batman: I guess we're all two people.
The Riddler: Now the real game begins!
Two-Face: You're counting on the winged avenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you, my friend? Bank Guard: Are you gonna kill me? Two-Face: Maybe, maybe not. You could say we're of two minds on the subject.
Edward Nygma: [during his introduction of "The Box"] Now, you can be a part of the action. Witness the entertainment in your living room. [presents "The Box"] Edward Nygma: The Box, in every home in America, and one day, the world.
The Riddler: This is your captain speaking. Please remain in your seats, we will be experiencing... turbulence! [he presses a button, the tower fires an energy blast that shoots down the Batplane]
Dr. Chase Meridian: Hot entrance!
[as "The Box" is used on Strickley] The Riddler: [imitating game show host] Edward Nygma, come on down! You're the next contestant on "Brain Drain"! [imitating shy game show contestant] The Riddler: Um, gee, ooh, uh, I'll take what's inside Thick Skull #1! [imitating game show host] The Riddler: What have we got for him, Johnny? [laughs] The Riddler: Stickley! I'm having a breakthrough! And a breakdown? Maybe! Nevertheless, I'm smarter. I'm a genius. No, several geniuses! A gaggle! A swarm! A flock of freakin' Freuds! Riddle me this, Fred! What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind, baby! And now mine pumps with the power of yours! [singing] The Riddler: I'm sucking up your I.Q., vacuuming your cortex, feeding off your brain!
Bruce Wayne: [Edward extends his had to shake Bruce's] Mister...? Edward Nygma: Ohhhhh... Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne: No, that's uh, *my* name. And you are? Edward Nygma: Oh! Nygma. Edward... Edward Nygma. You hired me personally. We've never actually met, but your name is on the hiring slip. I have it. Bruce Wayne: I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed. Bruce Wayne: Oh! Yes, of course! I'm sorry. It's just that... you're my idol. Fred Stickley: Back to work, Edward. Edward Nygma: [yanks arm away] And *some* people have been trying to keep us apart Fred Stickley: *Back to work, Edward*! Bruce Wayne: It's okay. So, Mr. Nygma, what's on your mind? Edward Nygma: Precisely! What's on all our minds? Brainwaves. [giggles, running back toward his cubicle] Edward Nygma: The future of Wayne Enterprises is brainwaves. Fred Stickley: You'll have to forgive this, Mr. Wayne; I personally terminated this project this morning! Bruce Wayne: It's okay. Edward Nygma: [pops out with a high-tech contraption] I have it! Voila! Huh? My invention beams any TV signal directly into the human brain. By stimulating the neurons, manipulating brainwaves if you will, this device makes the viewer feel like they're actually inside the show! Why be brutalized by an uncaring world? Bruce Wayne: Did you say manipulating brainwaves? Edward Nygma: Well... uh... yes. Bruce Wayne: Hmmm. Edward Nygma: Not that someone like you would need this. Someone so... sophisticated... and intelligent. I just need additional funds and time for human testing. Let me show you, *please!* Bruce Wayne: Now look, Ed. I'm going to need a full set of technical schematics on this, all right? Edward Nygma: I want you to know we're gonna be full partners on this Bruce! Look at us! Two of a kind! Bruce Wayne: You call my assistant Margaret, she'll set something up. Edward Nygma: [grabs Wayne by the arm] Uhhhhhh... that's not gonna be good for me. I need an answer now. I think I deserve it. Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry, Ed, then the answer's no. Stimulating neurons... tampering with people's brainwaves... it just raises too many questions. I'm sorry. Thanks, everybody, factory looks great; keep up the good work. Fred Stickley: All right, everyone. Back to work... [in Nygma's ear] Fred Stickley: We'll *discuss this later*! Edward Nygma: [watching Wayne leave] You were supposed to understand!... I'll *make* you understand.
Two-Face: Don't worry, people, no need for alarm, it's just a good-old fashioned, low-tech stick up! We're interested in the basics: cash, jewelry, cellular telephones. Just hand them over nicely, and no one will be hurt.
The Riddler: Soon my little "Box" will be on countless TVs around the world. Feeding me, credit card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies, and little white lies. Into my head they'll go. Victory is inevitable.
Fred Stickley: Bruce Wayne was right! You demented, bizarre, unethical toad! It *is* brain manipulation! I'm reporting you to the FCC, the Adverse Experimentation Board, the AMI, and the police! You are going up on charges, and then to prison, and then to a mental institution for the rest of your twisted little life! But first and foremost, Nygma, you are fired! Do you hear me? FIRED!
Dr. Chase Meridian: Tear one off and scratch my head. What once was red is black instead.
Two Face: Who the hell are you? The Riddler: Just a friend, but you can call me, the Riddler!
The Riddler: This is your brain on the box. This is my brain on the box. Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce. Master Bruce. How are you, young man? Bruce Wayne: You haven't called me that for a long time. Alfred Pennyworth: Old habits die hard. Are you all right? Bruce Wayne: Where's Chase? Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid they've taken Dr. Meridian. Master Dick has run away. The cave has been destroyed. And there's another riddle.
[Two-Face decides a victim's fate with a coin toss] Two-Face: Ah. Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses. Or, in your case, beer and pizza!
Two-Face: You have broken into our hideout. You have violated the sanctity of our lair. For this we should crush your bones into POWDER. However, you do pose a very interesting proposition: therefore, heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damned head off!
Two-Face: The bat's stubborn refusal to expire... is driving us INSANE!
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