Batman Returns Quotes
When a corrupt businessman and the grotesque Penguin plot to take control of Gotham City, only Batman can stop them, while the Catwoman has her own agenda.
[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]
The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]
Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other's identities]
Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.
Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other's identities]
Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.
[crouched atop a dazed Batman]
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Batman: What do you want?
The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman: Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!
The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman: Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!
Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin: Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
Catwoman: I'll come back later.
The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin: Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
Catwoman: I'll come back later.
Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
Selina Kyle: [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
Bruce Wayne: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
Selina Kyle: Well, that's a... long story.
Bruce Wayne: You know, I could... free up some time.
[Bruce walks in elevator]
Selina Kyle: I'm listed.
Bruce Wayne: I'm tempted.
Selina Kyle: I'm working.
Bruce Wayne: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!
Bruce Wayne: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
Selina Kyle: Well, that's a... long story.
Bruce Wayne: You know, I could... free up some time.
[Bruce walks in elevator]
Selina Kyle: I'm listed.
Bruce Wayne: I'm tempted.
Selina Kyle: I'm working.
Bruce Wayne: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!
Bruce Wayne: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
Alfred: I will relay the message.
Bruce Wayne: Great.
[runs out]
Alfred: Miss Kyle...
Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!
Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
Selina Kyle: Thanks!
[runs out]
Alfred: I will relay the message.
Bruce Wayne: Great.
[runs out]
Alfred: Miss Kyle...
Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!
Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
Selina Kyle: Thanks!
[runs out]
The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The Penguin: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The Penguin: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.
[Shreck shoots Batman]
Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.
[Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]
Selina Kyle: Four... Five...
[cracks her whip]
Selina Kyle: Still alive!
[Shreck fires two more]
Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...
[now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]
Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?
[grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]
Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.
[Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]
Selina Kyle: Four... Five...
[cracks her whip]
Selina Kyle: Still alive!
[Shreck fires two more]
Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...
[now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]
Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?
[grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]
[addressing a huge flock of penguins]
The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!
The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.
Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office.
Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!
Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office.
Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!
Bruce Wayne: [notices Selina's injuries] What happened?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?
Selina Kyle: You know, it's... a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I - I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg.
[smile vanishes]
Selina Kyle: He's dead now. But last night: complete blur. Couldn't you just die?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?
Selina Kyle: You know, it's... a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I - I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg.
[smile vanishes]
Selina Kyle: He's dead now. But last night: complete blur. Couldn't you just die?
Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?
The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
[plotting against Batman]
Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.
The Penguin: A plan is forming.
Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
[licks herself in a cat-like manner]
Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.
The Penguin: A plan is forming.
Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
[licks herself in a cat-like manner]
The Penguin: [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?
The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.
[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]
The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?
The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.
[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]
The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.
[the Circus Gang approaches the podium]
Organ Grinder: We want the big guy! The guy who runs the show!
The Mayor: [stepping forward] What do you want?
Organ Grinder: Not you!
[the Clown backhands the Mayor]
Organ Grinder: Shreck!
Charles 'Chip' Shreck: [stepping forward] You'll have to go through me!
[a dozen guns, knives, and swords are pointed into his face]
Circus Gang: Ooooh!
Organ Grinder: We want the big guy! The guy who runs the show!
The Mayor: [stepping forward] What do you want?
Organ Grinder: Not you!
[the Clown backhands the Mayor]
Organ Grinder: Shreck!
Charles 'Chip' Shreck: [stepping forward] You'll have to go through me!
[a dozen guns, knives, and swords are pointed into his face]
Circus Gang: Ooooh!
The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
The Penguin: I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
The Penguin: I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.
Charles 'Chip' Shreck: Dad, you buy that "blurry" business?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip, except your late mother. Who'd have thought Selina had a brain to damage. Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip, except your late mother. Who'd have thought Selina had a brain to damage. Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.
Bruce Wayne: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!
Bruce Wayne: [reading news archives on the Red Triangle Circus] "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show with fierce lions... circus returns with a Freak Show, may not be suitable for kids. Featuring a poodle lady, the world's fattest man... and an aquatic bird boy."
Alfred: Why are you so determined to prove this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
Bruce Wayne: [continues reading] "... circus folded its tents yesterday, perhaps forever after numerous reports of missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds, however at least one freak show performer vanished before he could be questioned."
Alfred: I suppose you feel better now, sir.
Bruce Wayne: No, actually I feel worse.
Alfred: Why are you so determined to prove this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
Bruce Wayne: [continues reading] "... circus folded its tents yesterday, perhaps forever after numerous reports of missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds, however at least one freak show performer vanished before he could be questioned."
Alfred: I suppose you feel better now, sir.
Bruce Wayne: No, actually I feel worse.
