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Hopeless dweeb Elliot Richards is granted 7 wishes by the devil to snare Allison, the girl of his dreams, in exchange for his soul.
Elliot's Cellmate: She's the devil that one. Elliot Richards: What? Elliot's Cellmate: I said she's the devil... that lady cop. Elliot Richards: Oh... yea. I guess. Elliot's Cellmate: So what are you in for brother? Elliot Richards: Eternity Elliot's Cellmate: Oooo... that's a long time. You must have done some really bad shit. Elliot Richards: Yea. I sold my soul. Elliot's Cellmate: Hope you got something good for it. Elliot Richards: As a matter of fact, I got nothing for it. Elliot's Cellmate: Well that's a really bad deal if you ask me. Elliot Richards: Well I'm not asking you. Elliot's Cellmate: Doesn't really matter, though. Can't sell your soul anyway. Elliot Richards: Oh, really? Why do you say that? Elliot's Cellmate: Because it doesn't really belong to you in the first place. No way, no how. Elliot Richards: So who does it belong to? Elliot's Cellmate: It belongs to God. That universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence. The Devil's gonna try to confuse you, that's her game. But in the end, you're gonna see clear to who and what you are, and what you're here to do. Now, you gonna make some mistakes along the way, everybody does. But if you just open up your heart, and open up your mind, you'll get it. Elliot Richards: ...Who are you? Elliot's Cellmate: [smiles] Just a friend, brother. Just a really good friend.
Elliot Richards: I wish I were the most sensitive man in the world. The Devil: [Smiling] Right. Okay. Elliot Richards: Oh, wait! I wish I were the most *emotionally* sensitive man in the world. The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.
Eduardo: Buenos días señor, le apetece algo de comer? Elliot Richards: Como dices? Yo no hablo español... un momento! estoy hablando en español! Que diablos! Realmente estoy hablando en español! [laughs] Elliot Richards: Que tal que Mrs Klein mi profesora de español me pudiera oir, ella siempre decía que yo no podía juntar dos frases, seguro estaba equivocada... [shouts] Elliot Richards: Hola! Mucho Gusto! Me llamo Elliot! Hola Juan, hola Esteban, dónde esta esa biblioteca? esa es la casa de mi tía, no gracias, soy alérgico a los crustaceos [laughs again] Eduardo: Señor, se siente bien? Elliot Richards: Muy bien! mejor no podría estar!
The Devil: You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating! Elliot Richards: So He's a man? The Devil: Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.
Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: It's already won the Poo-litzer Prize and it hasn't even been poo-blished, yet! Elliot Richards: Well, like they say, Dr. Oingegedaydegegdeaybaba, a Pulitzer Prize and a$3.50 will get you a café latte.
Elliot Richards: Oh, yeah. You've been a really big help so far. The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Maybe a good spanking's in order? Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Do you think everything is about sex? The Devil: No, of course not! I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy...
[after Elliot succeeds in keeping his soul] Elliot Richards: I don't get it, though. Why are you, you know... being nice? The Devil: Look, Elliot, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The whole good-and-evil thing? You know... [points skyward] The Devil: Him and me? It really comes down to you. You don't have to look very hard for heaven or hell. They're right here on Earth. You make the choice, and I guess you just made it.
The Devil: Do you think your mommy and daddy just made me up so you'd be a good boy?
[singing to Alison as sensitive guy] Elliot Richards: Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. [making dolphin noise] Elliot Richards: ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.
[Elliot is trying to prove he isn't gay] Jerry: [as Lance] Oh, this is just sad! Elliot Richards: Will you shut up, bitch!
Elliot Richards: [holding Big Mac and Coke; sarcastically] *This* truly is the work of the devil.
The Devil: I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness! Well, the Princ-ess of Darkness, anyway.
Elliot Richards: Maybe I should call you a cab... Although it's gonna be hard to find one that'll *go to Hell* this time of night! The Devil: OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.
[being hauled away by policemen] Elliot Richards: I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!
The Devil: I saw you talking to a woman. Elliot Richards: Um, yeah, but, I'm not with her. The Devil: But you'd like to be. Huh? Elliot Richards: What makes you say that? The Devil: Oh, I dont know, when a man says he'd give anything to have a certain woman in his life, I just assume she means something to him.
The Devil: It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.
The Devil: How would you like to make one simple decision that'll change your life forever? Elliot Richards: Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...
Elliot Richards: But it's my soul! I can't give you my *soul*. The Devil: What are you, James Brown?
[Elliot as the most emotionally sensitive man, cries over the same sunset three times in a row] Elliot Richards: WHEN IS THAT DARN THING GONNA SET!
The Devil: I aim to please, handsome!
McDonalds Employee: Hi, how ya doin'. What can I get you? The Devil: A Big Mac and a large Coke. McDonalds Employee: Fries? The Devil: No. McDonalds Employee: It comes to $3.47. The Devil: [to Elliot] Do you have $3.47? I left my purse in the Underworld.
Alison Gardner: Don't you think that secular humanism is yummy?
The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot. Elliot Richards: How do you know my name? The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.
Elliot Richards: This is breaking and entering! The Devil: I know! It's fun, isn't it?
The Devil: I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you. I do Elliot. I think you have massive potential. If you're looking at an eternity in hell, let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend like me. [kisses his ear]
The Devil: My life is a living hell!
Elliot Richards: Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
Elliot Richards: I'm starting to think that women don't really know what they want. The Devil: Amen!
[When he realizes what his first wish has turned him into] Elliot Richards: [in Spanish] Oh, shit, I'm a Colombian drug lord.
[the Devil is reading Allison's diary] Elliot Richards: You can't read that, that's private stuff! The Devil: You're telling me, listen to this. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life. I never did get any of the guys' names, but I brought them back home and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum". Elliot Richards: What? The Devil: Kidding.
Elliot Richards: You can't give sick people 'tic tacs!' The Devil: Sick people have notoriously bad breath, I'm performing a public service here.
Jerry: [as Lance] And I'm Tony Danza!
[to the Devil] Elliot Richards: I think somebody's had tee many martoonis.
The Devil: Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling, little soul?
The Devil: [about souls] It's like your appendix. You'll never even miss it. Elliot Richards: Yeah? Well, if it's so useless, then how come you want it so much? The Devil: Oh, aren't you a clever one?
[Reading the Devil's contract] Elliot Richards: "I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned? The Devil: How about "the Darned," sound better?
The Devil: Now listen to me, you disgusting little maggot. This is your last chance before the big weenie roast. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!
Elliot Richards: Ah... well, you know, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and, you know, you hope you play good... I think we played pretty good tonight!
[after the Devil shows up on Elliot's computer screen] Elliot Richards: What are you doing here? The Devil: Just think of me as a computer virus. Elliot Richards: I think of you as a PLAGUE!
The Devil: I'm not all peaches and cream, you know. I do have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty.
Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: [Sportscaster Lamar Garrett] He was Phi Slamma Jamma runnin' stank all over it with rib-ticklin' jumps of double vanilla funk!
Elliot Richards: [as the basketball player] You know, there's no "I" in the word team. And this is a team effort. And I just wanna say that I'm real proud to be associated with these fine individuals that I h-have the pleasure of working with.
Elliot Richards: I'm gay. Well, thanks for dropping by.
Elliot Richards: I think you're hot. The Devil: Baby, you've got no idea...
Elliot Richards: No! That's not fair. The Devil: Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody ever accusing me of being fair before. I think I'm insulted.
Elliot's Cellmate: So what you in for, brother? Elliot Richards: Eternity. Elliot's Cellmate: Ooh, that's a long time.
[reading Elliot the contract] The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit cooperation, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit. Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight? The Devil: Why not six? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.