An apprentice witch, three kids and a cynical conman search for the missing component to a magic spell useful to the defense of Britain.

[first lines]
Captain Ainsley Greer: You there, which way to Pepperinge Eye?
Elderly Farmer: Couldn't say, sir. It said on the wireless to paint out the sign posts in case the Nazis drop in.
Captain Ainsley Greer: I'm not a Nazi, I'm a British officer!
Elderly Farmer: That's what you'd say if you *was* a Nazi, isn't it sir?
Colonel Heller: No, Fraulein, this is not the invasion, just a little exercise. A minor raid to induce panic and spread a little mischief. When you English get it through your head that the German forces can land at will whenever and wherever we please, perhaps you will consider reasonable peace.
Charlie Rawlins: [angrily] Not bloody likely!
Eglentine Price: Treguna, Makoidees, Trecorum, Sadis Dee!
Eglentine Price: Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee!
Home Guard: [singing] Call out the navy, call out the ranks, call out the air force, call out the tanks! From the cliffs of Dover, call up the gulls; and don't forget the loyal territorials! But who's digging in here? Who will defend, ev'ry inch of England, no matter what they send? Who's standing firm in their own front yard? The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who! The soldiers of the old Home Guard! For we wrote the story of the old brigade, we know the glory of yesterday's parades! Who's standing firm in their own front yard? The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who! The soldiers of the old Home Guard!
Mr. Browne: Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind. You will believe no one or anything.
[during the soccer match]
Charlie Rawlins: Foul! Foul!
Carrie Rawlins: They're only animals.
Charlie Rawlins: That's no excuse for dirty football.
Bear: People? People? Oh, no! What scurvy luck!
Eglentine Price: You must have given us the wrong address! You don't live *here*, do you?
Mr. Browne: In point of fact I do. Temporarily, at any rate. I found the front door open, the house was deserted! Everyone has left the neighborhood.
Eglentine Price: Now why should they do that?
Mr. Browne: This probably has something to do with it.
[shows them a pit with an unexploded shell in it]
Eglentine Price: Merciful heavens! I should think you'd be *terrified* at the very idea of living here!
Mr. Browne: You'd have thought so, wouldn't you? I am by nature a *little* bit of a coward; but then I pondered, as I often do. In the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend I've ever had. It has enabled me, for the first time in my life, to live like a king. Shall we go in?
[Secretary Bird notices the King's star is missing and reacts]
Lion: Stop jibbering!
[hits Secretary Bird on the head]
Lion: What's the matter with you?
Secretary Bird: [blubbering] Your royal star! They've stolen your royal star!
Lion: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous! What do you think this is?
[the King dangles a whistle in front of Secretary Bird, who blows on it]
Lion: Whyyyyyyyyyyy didn't youuuuuuuuu sayyyyyyyyyyyyy sooooooooooooooo?
[the King roars so loudly, he blows Secretary Bird's clothes off]
Mr. Browne: Bookman! Before your very eyes, I shall cause this bed, and all the occupants upon it, to disappear!
Bookman: Disappear? I should like to see a cheap-jack tenth-rate entertainer do a trick like that.
Mr. Browne: Cheap-jack entertainer. Now that was naughty.
Lion: Friendly lot. Don't mind them visiting. Wouldn't want them living here.
[as all of Miss Price's belongings come alive thanks to a magic incantation]
Miss Price: That's my nightgown.
Mr. Browne: [dancing with it] Is it really, my dear?
Miss Price: Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behaviour.
Mr. Browne: Obviously not, my dear.
Eglentine Price: [singing] I don't want locomotiary substitution or remote intransitory convolution; only one precise solution is the key: substitutiary locomotion it must be!
Charlie Rawlins: [reading a container, disgustedly] Poisoned Dragon's Liver?
Eglentine Price: [repeating matter-of-factly] Poisoned Dragon Liver.
Paul Rawlins: You mean you poison the dragon, or just the liver?
Mr. Browne: [singing] Portobello Road, Portobello Road, street where the riches of ages are stowed! Anything and everything a chap can unload, is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road. You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road!
Paul Rawlins: What is it? A toy shop?
Carrie Rawlins: No, it's a nursery. Ain't you ever seen a nursery?
Charlie Rawlins: No and neither 'ave you
Eglentine Price: [singing] When you rush around in hopeless circles, searching everywhere for something true, you're at the age of not believing, when all the make-believe is through.
Carrie Rawlins: [speaking] That's Charlie, to a 'T'.
Eglentine Price: [still singing] When you set aside your childhood heroes, and your dreams are lost upon a shelf, you're at the age of not believing, and worst of all you doubt yourself.
[speaking; about an apple core]
Eglentine Price: Throw that into the waste basket.
[singing]
Eglentine Price: You're a castaway where no one hears you, on a barren isle in a lonely sea.
Charlie Rawlins: [speaking] What's that supposed to be, poetry?
Eglentine Price: [still singing] Where did all the happy endings go? Where can all the good times be?
[speaking]
Eglentine Price: Everyone on the bed who's going.
[singing]
Eglentine Price: You must face the age of not believing, doubting everything you ever knew. Until at last, you start believing there's something wonderful in you!
Bookman: There is, I regret to say, no such island. I looked for it in every chart. The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.
Paul Rawlins: Oh, it does, too! Got me own...
[Charlie clamps his hand over Paul's mouth, making his words come out garbled]
Bookman: What is he trying to say?
Charlie Rawlins: Nothing! When he don't say nothing, he burbles.
Lion: Move it around, move it around!
Eglentine Price: I don't believe in giving animals ridiculous names. I call him Cosmic Creepers, because that's the name he came with.
Charlie Rawlins: Hurt your foot, Miss Price?
Miss Price: Oh, just twisted my ankle.
Charlie Rawlins: Sorry to hear that.
Miss Price: Thank you. It's nothing serious.
Charlie Rawlins: Lovely weather for flying last night.
[heavy pause]
Miss Price: Why did you say that, Charles?
Charlie Rawlins: [bringing out her broken broomstick] Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.
Miss Price: I see.
[she looks worriedly at Charles]
Charlie Rawlins: Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna peach on you.
Charlie Rawlins: Ref, are you blind?
Miss Price: Be quiet, Charles. Don't forget who the referee is.
Mr. Browne: And the scent of burning sulfur in the air!
Mr. Browne: Now, I shall place the framed glass in this brown, unprepared - unprepared mark you ladies and gentlemen - unprepared brown paper bag.
Lion: Loyal fans! This is official: we have a volunteer referee!
Eglentine Price: Oh, bother! I do hate shoddy work!
Mr. Browne: This good lady is looking for the other half of this book.
Eglentine Price: It's called The Spells of Astoroth.
Portobello Road Book Merchant: I don't keep no torn or damaged books here. What do you think I am, a ruddy waste paper merchant?
Paul Rawlins: I liked you better as a rabbit, Charlie
Mr. Browne: Women always lose things.
Charlie Rawlins: No fried foods?
Eglentine Price: No.
Charlie Rawlins: How d'you keep your health?
Mr. Browne: It is not what things are; it is what they seem to be. Is that not so, Madam?
[Ms. Price speaks the magic spell for the first time; nothing happens]
Eglentine Price: Am I doing something wrong?
Mr. Browne: Well, to tell you the truth, it does seem a bit old-fashioned. After all, we are in the twentieth century.
Eglentine Price: What do you suggest?
Mr. Browne: Well, it needs rhythm, tempo, music! As I always say: do it with a flair.
Eglentine Price: The Spell which creates this force is 5 mystic words. These words are...
[pause as Mrs. Price was noticing about the book]
Eglentine Price: But the rest of the book is missing.
Mr. Browne: Now you see why I closed down the college.
Paul Rawlins: What's that got to do with my knob?

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