Beerfest

Beerfest Quotes

Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon a secret, centuries-old competition described as a "Fight Club" with beer games.

Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!
Barry Badrinath: It's $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ...
Landfill: [Interrupting] What's a ZJ?
Barry Badrinath: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: [Trying to persuade Landfill] I've got $4.
Gunter: He stole it und now instead of Deutschland's greatest beer we merely have fourth best behind Steinemarzen, Rottenburger, und... und...
Otto: Und Beck's?
Gunter: Und Beck's? Ja und Beck's!
Jan Wolfhouse: Get bent, Umlaut
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
[proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
Landfill: Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!
Krista Krundle: [during sex] Landfill #2, you are twice the man Landfill #1 was!
Landfill: Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?
Cherry: You're fucked!
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding-Dang. A high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out, these aren't the types of guys who like to lose. When I beat them, they beat me. They worked me over good. And this is hard to say. They held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Ah geeze Barry! I don't know what I'd do if someone shoved a paddle-handle up my ass!
Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle! I've been shitting pancakes ever since!
Great Gam Gam: You and I are not so different, Mr. Badrinath. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. But I got over it!
Aussie Sailor #2: I think we should fuckin' BRAIN'em!
Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
Barry Badrinath: Yeah.
Landfill: Let's get bombed!
[everyone cheers]
Todd Wolfhouse: This is that moment that only exists in sports - where the coach gives a speech on the jumbotrom to get the hometown fans fired up! We're the bad guys and they're the good guys, and I'll be damned if we let the good guys win!
Barry Badrinath: Uh, we're the good guys and they're the bad guys...
Todd Wolfhouse: Steve's got the eye of the Jew.
Barry Badrinath: [breaking the fourth wall after he had a drunken night of sex with Cherry]
Barry Badrinath: [scoffs] Come on, I knew it the whole time!
Jan Wolfhouse: So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
Landfill: [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
Pim Scutney: You're all fur coat and no trousers, you are.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm sorry, one more time?
Rog Gobshire: Shove off! We're gonna put the skitters in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
Barry Badrinath: [looking to Fink] Do you know what he's saying?
Todd Wolfhouse: We've got to go back and get grandpa's ashes.
Jan Wolfhouse: You go, I'm never leaving this place.
[after sinking dozens of quarters around the bar]
Barry Badrinath: [slightly slurred] I'm better when I'm drunk!
Barry Badrinath: Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Somehow I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.
Todd Wolfhouse: They hand out Nobel prizes for stuff like that?
Jan Wolfhouse: Let me see that, let me see you little...
[looking in to the bag, monkey frog screams]
Jan Wolfhouse: Oh my god!
Todd Wolfhouse: Oh my god, what have you done?
Great Gam Gam: I always sleep better with a little sausage in me.
Otto: It was ze greatest beer in all ze vorld!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.
Barry Badrinath: Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You too, Barry.
Cherry: I'm gonna break your dick off!
Hammacher: It's time to scheisse, or get off ze crapper.
Great Gam Gam: [seeing Jan's black eye] What happened to you?
Jan Wolfhouse: Oh, I, uh, accidentally walked into a wall... the Berlin Wall...
Gil: Let's get sour on some Krauts!
Landfill: If he had it, why didn't he brew it?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Hebrew?
Great Gam Gam: You two are the rightful heirs to the Von Wolfhausen Brewery. You should have the balls to take back what is yours!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Wow! You even talk like a whore!
Great Gam Gam: We are all whores in some ways.
Todd Wolfhouse: [to Germans during a beer pong match] Loser takes a paddle up the ass.
Hammacher: We are gonna wipe our schwanz on you.
Jan Wolfhouse: Bring it on, meine bitch.
[repeated line]
Door Bouncer: Da password!
Barry Badrinath: [upon waking up after the first night of training, with blood all over his face, next to a deer with its throat ripped out] Oh no, not again!
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: It appears it is time to initiate Operation Recipe Retrieve.
[all cheer]
Gunter: Is that the title we all agreed on? I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.
Rolf: Or what about Brauheist 2006?
Gunter: Oh, that's a good one.
Rolf: Ja, it's kind of spunky.
Gunter: Ja, it's fun.
Barry Badrinath: [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
Jan Wolfhouse: We know, Barry.
Gunter: [looking at a cuckoo clock, which originated in Bavaria] Za fuck is zat?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Nathan Cornwell has just discovered Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Big round of applause people, big round of applause.
Landfill: Real funny, Deutsch bag.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
Landfill: Which one? Toad Load Weekly?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Look at the size of that graduated cylinder!
Cherry: How many licks does it take to get to the center?
Otto: Yeah, you Americans, why don't you go back to strip malls und drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices!
Jan Wolfhouse: [Barry picked up a woman] Are you sure you want to do this?
Barry Badrinath: Are you kidding? She's hot as hell! I'm just lookin' for a little slap n' pickle.
Jan Wolfhouse: You're drunk.
Barry Badrinath: Hey... I'm drunk, you're drunk... everybody's drunk!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Drunken recall. I gave my subjects massive quantities of alcohol and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. When they woke up the next morning, they couldn't remember anything. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything that I taught them the night before. I got it published.
Landfill: Where?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: In Maxim Magazine under the tile of "E=MC Hammered".
Great Gam Gam: We are not so different, Mr. Badrinath, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass, but I got over it, you will too.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!
Jan Wolfhouse: Where are you taking him?
[Two shots of a gun]
Otto: He is of no concern to you.
Barry Badrinath: [after breaking beer mug with a ping pong spike] What do you think about that, fuckhead?
Hammacher: [Takes a bite of glass from the broken mug] What do you think about that, headfuck?
Jan Wolfhouse: And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
Pim Scutney: Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
Crowd: [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
Gunter: [about Johan] He then fled to America with his mother, a common Bavarian... what is word I'm looking for? WHORE!
Todd Wolfhouse: Gam Gam a whore? I think something must have been lost in the translation.
Gunter: HOOKER! PROSTITUTE! SLUT FOR MONEY!
Otto: [Refering to Fink] Ya it looks like his head is covered in pubic hair
[laughs]
Otto: but it's ok it works, ya, cause you've got a dickface.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: Always bet on black.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: I start to feel all cooped up in these U-Boats; I had a bad experience once.
Todd Wolfhouse: [after trying the beer] What's wrong?
Jan Wolfhouse: This means Great Gam Gam really was a whore.
Todd Wolfhouse: [thinks about it for a second, then runs off with his ears covererd] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
Landfill: [mocking Fink with Popo] It's fwustwating, it's fwustwating.
Todd Wolfhouse: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator
Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends, went Muslim. Now I'm out, praise Allah.
Otto: Despite your thievery, we are prepared to buy it from you right now... in cash.
[opens suitcase of euros]
Jan Wolfhouse: Big deal. A suitcase full of monopoly money.
Schlemmer: Come on, those are euros.
Landfill: What's that, like pesos?
Otto: That is legal European tender!
Rolf: I told you we should have brought Deutsch marks.
Gunter: But they are so hard to find!
Gil: Looks like we got the Brits in round 1. We already kicked their asses in WWII. Cheer-i-o, let's do it again!
Herr Referee: DAS BOOT!
Barry Badrinath: Hey Todd. About the old girlfriend. Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
Todd Wolfhouse: I don't know.
Barry Badrinath: I mean it was a one night stand, right? I mean she wasn't even that good looking. A real dead fish, right? She just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck doll.
Todd Wolfhouse: I happened to have MARRIED that plastic fuck doll!

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