Beetlejuice Quotes
A couple of recently deceased ghosts contract the services of a "bio-exorcist" in order to remove the obnoxious new owners of their house.
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
Charles: Ha.
Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia: [smiles] Okay.
[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.
Charles: Ha.
Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia: [smiles] Okay.
[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.
Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in '72.
Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset, because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
[Delia laughs]
Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in '72.
Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset, because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
[Delia laughs]
Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?
Adam: Uh-uh.
Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it]
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
Adam: Uh-uh.
Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it]
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
[last lines]
[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line]
Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?
[points to explorer with shrunken head]
Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking]
Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line]
Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?
[points to explorer with shrunken head]
Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking]
Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
[in the waiting room of the afterlife]
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
[shows her slit wrists]
Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
[the dead people laugh]
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
[shows her slit wrists]
Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
[the dead people laugh]
Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?
Adam: Well, we tried.
Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.
Juno: [knowingly] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
Adam: We should start more simply then?
Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.
Adam: Well, we tried.
Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.
Juno: [knowingly] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
Adam: We should start more simply then?
Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.
Otho: Oh, you family types, you got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight. You got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much.
Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment?
Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment?
Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How're ya doin?
Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle!
Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two...
Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?
Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it!
Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!
Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake.
Beetlejuice: What are you talking about a snake?
[scoffs]
Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle!
Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two...
Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?
Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it!
Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!
Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake.
Beetlejuice: What are you talking about a snake?
[scoffs]
Dumb Football Player: Coach. Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno: I'm not your coach! *He* survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! 'Men's room'! Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
Juno: I'm not your coach! *He* survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! 'Men's room'! Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...
Juno: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
Adam: We might.
Juno: No, you don't. He does not work well with others.
Barbara: What do you mean?
Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times.
Juno: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
Adam: We might.
Juno: No, you don't. He does not work well with others.
Barbara: What do you mean?
Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times.
[reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]
Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
[Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
[a head sculpt of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
Charles: Jeez!
[Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpt up and smiles]
Delia: He likes it.
Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
[Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
[a head sculpt of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
Charles: Jeez!
[Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpt up and smiles]
Delia: He likes it.
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.
Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
Juno: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!
Adam: Handbook? When?
Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Adam: Handbook? When?
Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]
Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Delia: [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost] This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real.
Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
[Bernard slams the door as he leaves]
Charles: Drive carefully!
Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.
Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
[Bernard slams the door as he leaves]
Charles: Drive carefully!
Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.
Adam: Cabin fever, hon?
Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
Preacher: And you, do you Lydia, take this man...?
Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...
Beetlejuice: [Covers Lydia's mouth] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
[speaks in Lydia's voice]
Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You ask me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...
Beetlejuice: [Covers Lydia's mouth] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
[speaks in Lydia's voice]
Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You ask me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
