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A couple of recently deceased ghosts contract the services of a "bio-exorcist" in order to remove the obnoxious new owners of their house.
Adam: What are your qualifications? Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Beetlejuice: Go ahead, make my millennium.
[why he can't tell Lydia his name] Beetlejuice: Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets? Lydia: Of course I can see you. Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can? Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual. Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Juno: What's wrong? Barbara: We're very unhappy. Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.
Beetlejuice: [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fuckin' model!
Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you? Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski. Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts. Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh. Lydia: Are you a ghost too? Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
Very Dumb Football Player: [the football players have re-entered Juno's office] Coach? Juno: What? Very Dumb Football Player: [looking disturbed] I don't think we survived that crash. Juno: [sarcastically] How did you guess?
[Evaluating her new home] Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
Adam: You've read our book? Lydia: Yeah. Adam: You can follow it? Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom? Adam: We were trying to scare your mother. Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Beetlejuice: Attention K-Mart shoppers.
Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax. Charles: Ha. Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me! Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay? Delia: [smiles] Okay. [Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious] Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.
Beetlejuice: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Beetlejuice: [after Lydia says his name three times] It's showtime.
Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural. Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in '72. Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days? Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset, because somebody dropped a house on her sister. [Delia laughs]
Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little *action*.
Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right? Adam: Uh-uh. Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead". Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'? Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it. [Adam takes the book and closes it] Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
[last lines] [in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line] Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that? [points to explorer with shrunken head] Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King! [as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers] Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what... [the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking] Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
[in the waiting room of the afterlife] Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die? Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die. [points at a gaunt man smoking] Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies. [points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading] Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now... [shows her slit wrists] Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident. [the dead people laugh]
Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side. Adam: Fine, you look fine. Messenger: Yeah? Barbara: Fine. Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat. [he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]
Beetlejuice: Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs. [he plants a kiss on Otho]
Lydia: [Lydia is writing a suicide note] I am alone. [throws paper away and starts over] Lydia: I am *utterly* alone.
Beetlejuice: [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!
[about the house] Otho: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough. Delia: I noticed that too; it's like a giant... ant farm.
Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic? Adam: We're ghosts! Lydia: What do you look like under there? Adam: Aren't you scared? Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus? Adam: Night of the what? Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie. Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual? Adam: Well, we tried. Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by. Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it. Juno: [knowingly] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you. Adam: We should start more simply then? Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.
Otho: What happened to these people? Delia: They died. Oh, look, an indoor outhouse.
Beetlejuice: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
Otho: Oh, you family types, you got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight. You got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much. Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment? Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
Beetlejuice: [finds a brothel in the model] Hey, Adam, nice move! Barbara: Adam, why did you build that? Adam: I didn't.
Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How're ya doin? Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle! Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two... Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice? Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it! Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"? Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time! Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake. Beetlejuice: What are you talking about a snake? [scoffs]
Dumb Football Player: Coach. Coach, where's the men's room? Juno: I'm not your coach! *He* survived. Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here? Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! 'Men's room'! Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
Barbara: [after the Deetzes moved in] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do? Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah. Here I am come, baby.
Lydia: They don't wanna come down. Delia: Charles... Otho: Why not? Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared. Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
[Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them] Barbara: [crying, hugs Adam] Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!
Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya? [hands Barbara a rat] Barbara: Whoa! AHH! Beetlejuice: There. There ya go. Adam: You don't have to kill anybody! Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good. Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
Otho: [seeing an office and not seeing Barbara decapitating Adam] Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
Charles: Delia Deetz, welcome home. Delia: [being kissed] Charles... Charles: It's okay, there's no damage. See? It's okay. A good sturdy comfy craftsmanship. And look at that kitchen. You're finally gonna be able to cook a decent meal.
Beetlejuice: [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember... [sings and hops back and forth] Beetlejuice: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!
Lydia: [while eating Cantonese food] I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel... Juno: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help. Adam: We might. Juno: No, you don't. He does not work well with others. Barbara: What do you mean? Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times.
[reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead] Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions. [Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background] Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test. [a head sculpt of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him] Charles: Jeez! [Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpt up and smiles] Delia: He likes it.
Adam: Can you be scary? Beetlejuice: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this? You like it?
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well. [Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia] Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
Beetlejuice: [as a snake] We've come for your daughter Chuck.
Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'. Barbara: ...*deceased*. Adam: Deceased? Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher. Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'. Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!
[In the afterlife waiting room] Receptionist: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
[On the new house] Lydia: Delia hates it. [sees a HUGE spider on a web] Lydia: I could live here.
Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted. Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals. Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in? Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with! Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide. Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
Beetlejuice: You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
Juno: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook! Adam: Handbook? When? Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Beetlejuice: Let's see, business section. [he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper] Beetlejuice: Ooh, la, la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
Delia: This is my art, and it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this?
Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her. Adam: She's got photos, Barbara. Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"] Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics? Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know? Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last? Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation. [Snaps book shut] Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Adam: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m. Barbara: [proudly] I always make the flag cake. Adam: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?
Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Charles: Go help your mother. Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Barbara: I'll go see who that is. You start counting. [she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room] Adam: [starts counting the stars by naming off the states] Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.
Delia: [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost] This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real. Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture. [Bernard slams the door as he leaves] Charles: Drive carefully! Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.
Charles: Nice building... bad roof... goooood parking.
Adam: [In a decomposed state and trying to say Beetlejuice's name three times] BEH... [his mouth falls out]
Adam: [picks up a spider] Now that's a big fella. [spider almost falls out of his hand] Adam: Whoa!
Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a dark room in the basement, okay? Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room. Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
[Head spins wildly and begins shrieking] Beetlejuice: Don't you hate it when that happens?
Beetlejuice: *That* is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, I won't.
Adam: Cabin fever, hon? Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me? Adam: Maybe this is heaven. Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
Delia: [talking to a workman] If you tell me what you do I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
Delia: Oh look, an indoor outhouse
Adam: [the Maitlands have tried to scare the Deetzes away at dinner] Let's watch them scatter. [Adam and Barbara move to the attic window] Adam: Any minute now they're gonna' come running out of that door screaming. [But no-one does] Adam: Any minute now.
[Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls] Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this? Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook. [he closes the shade of the room] Janitor: Keep moving.
Beetlejuice: [to Charles and Delia] Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad. [Hands Charles a load of snakes]
Preacher: And you, do you Lydia, take this man...? Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle... Beetlejuice: [Covers Lydia's mouth] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay? [speaks in Lydia's voice] Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You ask me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
Barbara: [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away.
Lydia: If you are real ghosts, you guys better get another routine because those sheets, they don't work.
Otho: I have a feeling there's something very interesting behind that door. Delia: [sarcastically] Yeah. Ghosts. The people who died in this house and they want us OUT of here. Well, let's do them a favor...
Jane Butterfield: This house is so big. It really ought to belong to people who have children.
Barbara: [to Adam] Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times] No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. Just SAY IT!
Lydia: They wanted me to dissect a frog, I told them it was against my religion.
Char Man: Want a cigarette? Adam: No, thank you. Char Man: I'm trying to cut down myself.
Lydia: [On Otho's seance] Wait... what am I worried about, Otho, you can't even change a tire.