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A puppeteer discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of the movie star, John Malkovich.
Waiter: Malkovich? John Malkovich: MALKOVICH! Waiter: Malkovich.
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me. John Malkovich: Mm-hmm? Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich? John Malkovich: Yes, I am. Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie... John Malkovich: Oh? Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard. John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard. John Malkovich: Oh, thank you. Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately. John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich? Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century. Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in? Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before. [Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it. John Malkovich: NO! [Craig regains control] Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
John Malkovich: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. Craig Schwartz: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! [Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike] Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
John Malkovich: Ma-Sheen! Charlie: Malcatraz!
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs? Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester. Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez. Craig Schwartz: Schwartz. Floris: Pardon? Craig Schwartz: Schwartz. Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now. Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz. Floris: "My name is Warts"? [Craig takes a seat] Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez? [Craig doesn't respond at first] Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes? Floris: Chest? Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?" Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like. Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see! Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte". Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah? John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
[a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can] Driver: Hey Malkovich, think fast!
Dr. Lester: Hello, Mr. Juarez. Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary... Dr. Lester: [into intercom] Security!
Lotte Schwartz: Suck my dick!
Dr. Lester: She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
[During sex] John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte? Maxine: Yeah, do you mind? John Malkovich: No, not really.
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight. Maxine: Why not? Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine? Maxine: Yeah! Who told you? Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
Maxine: Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.
Woman in Elevator: Seven and a half, right? Craig Schwartz: Yuh. Woman in Elevator: I'll take you through it.
[Lotte comes home late at night] Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you? Lotte Schwartz: Yeah. Craig Schwartz: And he was with her! Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig. Craig Schwartz: We? Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
Floris: I can't understand a word you're saying [pauses] Floris: asshole.
Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Tell me, Craig, why do you like puppetering? Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently. Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Interesting, Craig...
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit. Maxine: Yes? Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something. Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Dr. Lester: My spunk is to you manna from heaven...
Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig. Craig Schwartz: We? Lotte Schwartz: John and me. Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me! Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!
Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you. Maxine: My tits? Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no. Maxine: No? Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself. Maxine: You're not a fag, are you? Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you. Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling. Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em. Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.
Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard!
[During a job interview] Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one? Craig Schwartz: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir? Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.
Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.
Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine: Are you married? Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Larry the Agent: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): This is my fiancée Maxine. Larry the Agent: Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. Craig Schwartz: Oh, no. Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears. Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir? Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
[Answering the phone] Maxine: J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.
Dr. Lester: Any questions? Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low? Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself. Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer... Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!
Dr. Lester: Floris, get Guinness on the phone. Floris: Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone.
Craig Schwartz: Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work? Maxine: Yeah.
Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard...
Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
Maxine: Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.
[gazing longingly at Craig as he does the filing] Floris: Oh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet! Maybe you could alphabetize me. And remember, 'I' comes before 'U'.
Dr. Lester: Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz? "laughs" maybe then Floris would care for me. Craig Schwartz: But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history. Dr. Lester: I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you.I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her... Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion. Dr. Lester: All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly? Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes. First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be? Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually... Maxine: You can be John Malkovich. First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I... Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
[first lines] Lotte Schwartz: Craig, honey, it's time for bed. [fade out and in] Orrin Hatch the bird: Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig Schwartz: Lotte... Lotte Schwartz: I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
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