Best in Show Quotes
A colorful array of characters competes at a national dog show.
Harlan Pepper: I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.
Sherri Ann Cabot: [Discussing her 80 year old husband who's 44 years her senior] Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.
Scott Donlan: How tall are you?
Hotel Manager: I'm 6'4".
Stefan Vanderhoof: I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter Island.
Scott Donlan: Where are you from, like Nor... Norland? Norway?
Hotel Manager: Uh, I'm Irish-German.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Like Robert Duvall in "The Godfather".
Scott Donlan: Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud.
Hotel Manager: I'm 6'4".
Stefan Vanderhoof: I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter Island.
Scott Donlan: Where are you from, like Nor... Norland? Norway?
Hotel Manager: Uh, I'm Irish-German.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Like Robert Duvall in "The Godfather".
Scott Donlan: Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud.
Christy Cummings: It's interesting, we have kind of a family dynamic going on here which pretty much mirrors what I grew up with: I'm the mommy slash daddy, the taskmaster, the disciplinarian.
Sherri Ann Cabot: Mr. Punishment over here.
Christy Cummings: Oh, but I also reward. And Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love.
Sherri Ann Cabot: And the decorative abilities.
Christy Cummings: The heart and the soul which was what my mom did. That was her role. She was there for the unconditional love... and it worked for my family, you know... until my mom committed suicide in '81.
Sherri Ann Cabot: Mr. Punishment over here.
Christy Cummings: Oh, but I also reward. And Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love.
Sherri Ann Cabot: And the decorative abilities.
Christy Cummings: The heart and the soul which was what my mom did. That was her role. She was there for the unconditional love... and it worked for my family, you know... until my mom committed suicide in '81.
Gerry Fleck: [talking about Scott's leather trousers] Do you appreciate the amount of work that went into this?
Scott Donlan: I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non stop.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with?
Scott Donlan: Oh... heaven... HEAVEN!
Scott Donlan: I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non stop.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with?
Scott Donlan: Oh... heaven... HEAVEN!
Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?
Meg Swan: Is that not breathing?
Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.
Meg Swan: Is that not breathing?
Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.
Meg Swan: [Meg and Hamilton are talking about how they met at Starbucks] One day Hamilton gathered his courage and approached me...
Hamilton Swan: I remember, I was drinking a grande espresso.
Meg Swan: I know, and I remember I thought that was really sexy. I was drinking capuccinos... then I switched over to lattes... now it's double espresso macchiato...
Hamilton Swan: These days I'm a big chai tea/soymilk kind of guy.
Meg Swan: [gravely] Because of the lactose. You're lactose-intolerant now.
Hamilton Swan: I remember, I was drinking a grande espresso.
Meg Swan: I know, and I remember I thought that was really sexy. I was drinking capuccinos... then I switched over to lattes... now it's double espresso macchiato...
Hamilton Swan: These days I'm a big chai tea/soymilk kind of guy.
Meg Swan: [gravely] Because of the lactose. You're lactose-intolerant now.
[at the butcher]
Stefan Vanderhoof: Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those.
Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes.
Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon.
Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out one of those pepperoni sticks. I just wanna hold it.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those.
Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes.
Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon.
Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out one of those pepperoni sticks. I just wanna hold it.
Buck Laughlin: [as the hound judge examines a Borzoi] Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound?
Trevor Beckwith: Uhh... I can't really say...
Buck Laughlin: If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you had a little jockey on them, going like this
[imitates jockeys hitting the side of the horse]
Trevor Beckwith: Uhh... I can't really say...
Buck Laughlin: If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you had a little jockey on them, going like this
[imitates jockeys hitting the side of the horse]
Stefan Vanderhoof: [talking about the first time he saw Scott showing a dog] They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body.
Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got *so* exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?
Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got *so* exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?
Stefan Vanderhoof: [discussing the calendar] We're not gonna sell, just give it out to friends.
Scott Donlan: I think we should try to sell it.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Really?
Scott Donlan: Yeah.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well, if we could give the money to Shih Tzu rescue.
Scott Donlan: They have plenty of money.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well so do we.
Scott Donlan: What Shih Tzus need rescuing anyway? You don't see Shih Tzus straggling around the streets in an old coat "help, alms for the poor".
Stefan Vanderhoof: Like the little match girl.
Scott Donlan: I think we should try to sell it.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Really?
Scott Donlan: Yeah.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well, if we could give the money to Shih Tzu rescue.
Scott Donlan: They have plenty of money.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Well so do we.
Scott Donlan: What Shih Tzus need rescuing anyway? You don't see Shih Tzus straggling around the streets in an old coat "help, alms for the poor".
Stefan Vanderhoof: Like the little match girl.
Harlan Pepper: [In an additional scene from the DVD: In his car, reciting a song called Turtle Woman] "I saw her at the sideshow at the fair. The sign said, 'TURTLE WOMAN - PLEASE BEWARE'." And they had a sign saying, "BEWARE," because of snapping turtles, I guess. "But I went in and I just had to stare. Turtle Woman, I love you, I don't care."
Max Berman: I had a terrible day today. I can't get rid of it in my head. You know, you have a bad day - someone returns a sweater. I have a bad day - lives get lost. People lose their lives. I'm the chief hostage negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area and I talk people down. Whenever they get a jumper on a big building, they call me.
Gerry Fleck: How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...?
Max Berman: Well, they always jump. I've got news for you. It's a little secret from the trade. They all jump. But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps... that doesn't bother me, it happens all the time. But you see, you think they drop like rocks. They don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down. This guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head...
[snaps his fingers]
Max Berman: pops off like a grape, the body continues to spin down like a whirligig. When they hit... everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded... pop out!
[looks at Cookie]
Max Berman: You know, forgive me. I was actually... You know what? You know what I was just remembering - that time with you and me at the lake. The piñata. Remember?
Cookie Fleck: Was that you? Are you sure that was you?
Max Berman: I think you know who it was.
Gerry Fleck: [interrupting] Well, it was a long time ago, and...
Max Berman: It seems like last week, I'll tell you that. You wouldn't know, but she was famous for putting her legs behind her head. She could get both legs behind her head.
Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!
Cookie Fleck: No, it's just talk! It's just talk.
Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!
Fay Berman: Piñata? I don't know what a piñata is.
Gerry Fleck: [to Fay] I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does that sound?
Cookie Fleck: Oh, come on!
Max Berman: What the hell are you talking about now?
Fay Berman: [to Gerry] Thank you.
Max Berman: You know something, what you don't understand is... what do they say?... one picture is worth a thousand words. I only went through 125 or 130 words describing that. If I wanted to go on, I could go through 800 words more.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I'll take the picture, because, you know...
Max Berman: I'll tell you what, next time I'll get a picture, how about that?
Gerry Fleck: How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...?
Max Berman: Well, they always jump. I've got news for you. It's a little secret from the trade. They all jump. But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps... that doesn't bother me, it happens all the time. But you see, you think they drop like rocks. They don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down. This guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head...
[snaps his fingers]
Max Berman: pops off like a grape, the body continues to spin down like a whirligig. When they hit... everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded... pop out!
[looks at Cookie]
Max Berman: You know, forgive me. I was actually... You know what? You know what I was just remembering - that time with you and me at the lake. The piñata. Remember?
Cookie Fleck: Was that you? Are you sure that was you?
Max Berman: I think you know who it was.
Gerry Fleck: [interrupting] Well, it was a long time ago, and...
Max Berman: It seems like last week, I'll tell you that. You wouldn't know, but she was famous for putting her legs behind her head. She could get both legs behind her head.
Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!
Cookie Fleck: No, it's just talk! It's just talk.
Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal!
Fay Berman: Piñata? I don't know what a piñata is.
Gerry Fleck: [to Fay] I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does that sound?
Cookie Fleck: Oh, come on!
Max Berman: What the hell are you talking about now?
Fay Berman: [to Gerry] Thank you.
Max Berman: You know something, what you don't understand is... what do they say?... one picture is worth a thousand words. I only went through 125 or 130 words describing that. If I wanted to go on, I could go through 800 words more.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I'll take the picture, because, you know...
Max Berman: I'll tell you what, next time I'll get a picture, how about that?
[an additional scene from the dvd, at Stefan's hair salon]
Stefan Vanderhoof: When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bar tender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.
Stefan Vanderhoof: When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bar tender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.
Trevor Beckwith: [as Scott enters with Agnes the Shih Tzu] And now we have the toy, the Shih Tzu is coming, and here is, uh, Scott Donlan.
Buck Laughlin: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman.
Buck Laughlin: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman.
