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A colorful array of characters competes at a national dog show.
Harlan Pepper: I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.
Meg Swan: We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.
Buck Laughlin: Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact.
Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends. Cookie Fleck: Hundreds. Gerry Fleck: Hundreds? Cookie Fleck: [Thinks] ... Yeah, hundreds. Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that! Not that... Not that I didn't have quite the reputation myself. I was known by, you know, "some", to be quite the Casanova.
[trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof] Max Berman: I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?
Sherri Ann Cabot: [Discussing her 80 year old husband who's 44 years her senior] Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.
Buck Laughlin: And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.
Hamilton Swan: I remember what I was drinking when I met you. It was a grande espresso. Meg Swan: That's right. And I thought that was really sexy.
[On why he can't dance] Gerry Fleck: I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet! Cookie Fleck: I thought he was kidding. Gerry Fleck: But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.
Hotel Manager: Have you tried looking under the bed? Meg Swan: Of course I've looked under the bed, of course I've looked under the bed. That's where you look when you lose things.
Scott Donlan: Rhapsody has two mommies.
Scott Donlan: How tall are you? Hotel Manager: I'm 6'4". Stefan Vanderhoof: I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter Island. Scott Donlan: Where are you from, like Nor... Norland? Norway? Hotel Manager: Uh, I'm Irish-German. Stefan Vanderhoof: Like Robert Duvall in "The Godfather". Scott Donlan: Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud.
[after the hotel manager suggests going to the pet store to get a new toy for Beatrice] Meg Swan: What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?
Stefan Vanderhoof: We're gonna be in Philadelphia for 48 hours, how many tea services can you do?
[at the butcher] Stefan Vanderhoof: Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those. Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off. Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes. Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off. Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon. Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out one of those pepperoni sticks. I just wanna hold it.
Buck Laughlin: Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor? Nurse: Uh, no. Buck Laughlin: Remind me never to come to you for a physical!
Gerry Fleck: [talking about Scott's leather trousers] Do you appreciate the amount of work that went into this? Scott Donlan: I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non stop. Stefan Vanderhoof: Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with? Scott Donlan: Oh... heaven... HEAVEN!
Gerry Fleck: Don't water the plants, they're plastic!
Meg Swan: I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!
Bulge: [interrupting Gerry and Cookie in the studio while they're recording] Cookie? Cookie Fleck: Yeah? Bulge: Cookie Guggleman? Cookie Fleck: Yeah. Do I know you? Bulge: Does this ring a bell? [singsongs] Bulge: "I'm not wearing underwear". Cookie Fleck: Bulge? Get outta town!
[Yelling at her husband who is trying to coax their son down from the roof] Fay Berman: Don't look him in the eye! It challenges him! He doesn't like that!
Buck Laughlin: Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?
Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck? Meg Swan: Is that not breathing? Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.
Stefan Vanderhoof: If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.
Meg Swan: [Meg and Hamilton are talking about how they met at Starbucks] One day Hamilton gathered his courage and approached me... Hamilton Swan: I remember, I was drinking a grande espresso. Meg Swan: I know, and I remember I thought that was really sexy. I was drinking capuccinos... then I switched over to lattes... now it's double espresso macchiato... Hamilton Swan: These days I'm a big chai tea/soymilk kind of guy. Meg Swan: [gravely] Because of the lactose. You're lactose-intolerant now.
Christy Cummings: We got to open this, this, these offices, and publish this magazine here, 'American Bitch'. The dog magazine for women and their dogs. Umm, it's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.
Christy Cummings: It's interesting, we have kind of a family dynamic going on here which pretty much mirrors what I grew up with: I'm the mommy slash daddy, the taskmaster, the disciplinarian. Sherri Ann Cabot: Mr. Punishment over here. Christy Cummings: Oh, but I also reward. And Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love. Sherri Ann Cabot: And the decorative abilities. Christy Cummings: The heart and the soul which was what my mom did. That was her role. She was there for the unconditional love... and it worked for my family, you know... until my mom committed suicide in '81.
Buck Laughlin: [after Beatrice the dog jumps up on the show judge] He went for her like she's made outta ham.
Meg Swan: No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.
Scott Donlan: I'm thrown overboard. Anchors aweigh. Stefan Vanderhoof: The Man who knew too much. Scott Donlan: Yeah, well there it is, the man who knew too much!
Hotel Manager: [handing back a credit card at check-in to the Flecks] I'm sorry, that card's been declined. Cookie Fleck: Oh, no! That's the good card!
Cookie Fleck: Did somebody put something down here so I would trip?
Scott Donlan: [arriving with coffee during the Shih Tzu calendar photo shoot] All right, I'm coming, hold your horses! [pause] Scott Donlan: Oooh, Stefan, we should have gotten horses! Stefan Vanderhoof: Yeah, right, little bitty horses. Scott Donlan: Just little ones!
Buck Laughlin: [as the hound judge examines a Borzoi] Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound? Trevor Beckwith: Uhh... I can't really say... Buck Laughlin: If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you had a little jockey on them, going like this [imitates jockeys hitting the side of the horse]
Malcolm: I've banged a lot of waitresses in my day, but you, you, you were the best. Cookie Fleck: You don't forget the best.
[When Beatrice goes to lick his face] Hamilton Swan: Don't!... not the lips...
Harlan Pepper: [In an additional scene from the DVD: In his car, reciting a song called Turtle Woman] "I saw her at the sideshow at the fair. The sign said, 'TURTLE WOMAN - PLEASE BEWARE'." And they had a sign saying, "BEWARE," because of snapping turtles, I guess. "But I went in and I just had to stare. Turtle Woman, I love you, I don't care."
Hotel Manager: We have you down for a queen. Scott Donlan: What are you suggesting... my dear man?
Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.
[after Scott introduces himself as Mary and shows them the pants he hand-stitched] Gerry Fleck: Well you must be very "proud Mary". Scott Donlan: Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden? Stefan Vanderhoof: Good baby boomer gag. Cookie Fleck: Who's that in the burgundy jacket? Mr Hip.
Stefan Vanderhoof: [talking about the first time he saw Scott showing a dog] They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body. Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got *so* exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?
Hamilton Swan: Don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!
Meg Swan: We are *so* lucky. We are *so* lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.
Harlan Pepper: After the dog show I was on an El Al flight to Haifa faster than a walnut could roll off a henhouse roof.
Stefan Vanderhoof: So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.
Scott Donlan: This is my euphemism, Stefan.
Buck Laughlin: Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, at the top of my game, maxing out at 500!
Stefan Vanderhoof: [discussing the calendar] We're not gonna sell, just give it out to friends. Scott Donlan: I think we should try to sell it. Stefan Vanderhoof: Really? Scott Donlan: Yeah. Stefan Vanderhoof: Well, if we could give the money to Shih Tzu rescue. Scott Donlan: They have plenty of money. Stefan Vanderhoof: Well so do we. Scott Donlan: What Shih Tzus need rescuing anyway? You don't see Shih Tzus straggling around the streets in an old coat "help, alms for the poor". Stefan Vanderhoof: Like the little match girl.
[Yelling at the hotel maid] Meg Swan: I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
Meg Swan: This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.
Buck Laughlin: [as the judge checks the back end of Cookie's dog] She's examining the Norwich now!
Cookie Fleck: Don't worry Gerry, I know where I'm at. But that was fun.
Buck Laughlin: I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.
Meg Swan: Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager!
Cookie Fleck: How many years ago did he poke me?
[an additional scene from the dvd, at Stefan's hair salon] Stefan Vanderhoof: When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bar tender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.
Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III: And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are.
Stefan Vanderhoof: I think we're overpacking.
Buck Laughlin: I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.
Max Berman: I had a terrible day today. I can't get rid of it in my head. You know, you have a bad day - someone returns a sweater. I have a bad day - lives get lost. People lose their lives. I'm the chief hostage negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area and I talk people down. Whenever they get a jumper on a big building, they call me. Gerry Fleck: How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...? Max Berman: Well, they always jump. I've got news for you. It's a little secret from the trade. They all jump. But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps... that doesn't bother me, it happens all the time. But you see, you think they drop like rocks. They don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down. This guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head... [snaps his fingers] Max Berman: pops off like a grape, the body continues to spin down like a whirligig. When they hit... everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded... pop out! [looks at Cookie] Max Berman: You know, forgive me. I was actually... You know what? You know what I was just remembering - that time with you and me at the lake. The piñata. Remember? Cookie Fleck: Was that you? Are you sure that was you? Max Berman: I think you know who it was. Gerry Fleck: [interrupting] Well, it was a long time ago, and... Max Berman: It seems like last week, I'll tell you that. You wouldn't know, but she was famous for putting her legs behind her head. She could get both legs behind her head. Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal! Cookie Fleck: No, it's just talk! It's just talk. Gerry Fleck: He's like an animal! Fay Berman: Piñata? I don't know what a piñata is. Gerry Fleck: [to Fay] I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does that sound? Cookie Fleck: Oh, come on! Max Berman: What the hell are you talking about now? Fay Berman: [to Gerry] Thank you. Max Berman: You know something, what you don't understand is... what do they say?... one picture is worth a thousand words. I only went through 125 or 130 words describing that. If I wanted to go on, I could go through 800 words more. Gerry Fleck: Well, I'll take the picture, because, you know... Max Berman: I'll tell you what, next time I'll get a picture, how about that?
Buck Laughlin: [sees the trophy] I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that!
Trevor Beckwith: [as Scott enters with Agnes the Shih Tzu] And now we have the toy, the Shih Tzu is coming, and here is, uh, Scott Donlan. Buck Laughlin: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman.
Hamilton Swan: I'm now a big old tchai tea latte soy milk kind of guy. Meg Swan: Mmm. Soy. Because of the lactose. You're lactose intolerant now.
Buck Laughlin: I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded like that. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?" Trevor Beckwith: Yes, I remember you said that last year.
Scott Donlan: This is my euphemism, Stefan.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Too much information.
Meg Swan: Oh, God! She's not even responding to the toy!
Buck Laughlin: Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet. Trevor Beckwith: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right. Buck Laughlin: He's got two left feet! Man, go get'm pal.
Hamilton Swan: You've got your Busy Bee! Do you want your Busy Bee?
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