Bewitched Quotes

Thinking he can overshadow an unknown actress in the part, an egocentric actor unknowingly gets a witch cast in an upcoming television remake of the classic show "Bewitched."

[from trailer]
Isabel Bigelow: I am through with just snapping my fingers and getting my way.
Coffee Shop Waitress: Uh, no breakfast after 11.
Isabel Bigelow: Oh.
[snaps fingers and clock turns back from 11 to 10: 55]
Isabel Bigelow: My absolutely last thing!

Isabel Bigelow: [Jack Wyatt is being a jerk on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Isabel gets on the phone with Nina] Yes, I'm watching it. What's a "dick?"

Maria Kelly: Look, you have three choices. You can either quit... give up... or get mad.
Isabel Bigelow: What would Samantha do?
[Looks at picture of Elizabeth Montgomery &sets things off in the studio lot]
Maria Kelly: She chose mad, right?

[Isabel changes a tarot card into a Visa Platinum Card to pay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond]
Isabel Bigelow: That was my last thing as a witch!

Jack Wyatt: [upon discovering Isabel is a witch] Am I gonna get pregnant? Because I cannot get pregnant right now!

[first lines]
Isabel Bigelow: [Outside a house at which Isabel has just landed and made available for rent, furnished, with an open house today] It's perfect!
Realtor: Oh, great!
Isabel Bigelow: I'll take it.

Jack Wyatt: Umm... This is terrible!
Uncle Arthur: I know! I just... love to blend!

Jack Wyatt: I'm going to be killed by a fictional character!
Uncle Arthur: Yes, you are.

Jack Wyatt: Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo...
Isabel Bigelow: I have to undo this...
Jack Wyatt: Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!

Jack Wyatt: [under Isabel's spell] Where art thou dog? Thy canine lover? / Where is thy hot breath on the nape of my neck? / We shall form a bond, man and beast. / You will lick my face and I shall lick your snout.
[spell breaks]
Jack Wyatt: Er guys, I swear I'm not doing this on purpose.

[from trailer]
Isabel Bigelow: Guess what? I'm a witch!
Jack Wyatt: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan!

Isabel Bigelow: [Isabel rewinds time to undo a hex that was put on Jack and ends up back to where she was on the phone with Nina while watching Jack on "Inside the Actor's Studio."] Yes, I'm watching it, and you're right, he is a great big male reproductive organ!

Girl: [Nigel Bigelow does a double take at a pretty girl] Hey there! I have Hepatitis C!

Jack Wyatt: [takes a drink of something Uncle Arthur has just made in the blender] This tastes awful!
Uncle Arthur: I know. I just like to blend.

[last lines]
Gladys Kravitz: [Standing at their window] Abner, come look! The new neighbors are movin' in!
Abner Kravitz: [Reading the newspaper] Not now, Gladys, I'm busy.
Isabel Bigelow: [Outside, in front of their new house, Jack lifts Isabel] Aaaah
Jack Wyatt: Ah, yes, now I'm going to... carry you across the threshold
[they enter]
Isabel Bigelow: Don't you think the front yard looks a little bare?
Jack Wyatt: No, I don't.
Isabel Bigelow: But I think it could use a little something.
Jack Wyatt: I-I-It's fine the way it is, honey.
[Nose wiggling sound, followed by cherry tree growing and blooming in the front yard]
Gladys Kravitz: Abner! A tree just appeard in the front yard!
[She faints]

Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown!
Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown!
Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!

Nina: There must be a solution!
Isabel Bigelow: No, there isn't. We're at The Coffee Bean, and there is... no... solution.

Jack Wyatt: So, were your parents in the witch business?
Isabel Bigelow: Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.
Stu Robison: Someone make a note of that.

Nina: We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals, I could photoshop them.
Maria Kelly: That's an excellent idea!

Isabel Bigelow: [after quitting/being fired] I can't just walk back in there now.
Jack Wyatt: Once you show up in a golf cart, believe me, all is forgiven. I've done it a lot of times.

Nina: Let's set fire to his trailer. Let's just do it.

Valet: [to Isabel, who is trying to convince Jack that she is actually a witch] Miss, could you direct me to your car.
Jack Wyatt: [sarcastically] Oh, she doesn't need a car, she has a broomstick.

Jack Wyatt: Where is my dog? I will die if I do not have him back! Do you understand me? I WILL DIE IF I DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK!

Jack Wyatt: Endora, you rancid fruit bag, get out of my room.

Isabel Bigelow: I'm gonna be an actress in a television series.
Maria Kelly: She's going to play Samantha on Bewitched!
Nigel Bigelow: Bewitched?
[appalled]
Nigel Bigelow: That's an *insult* to our way of life!
Maria Kelly: [laughs] Your dad is a hoot!

Aunt Clara: Well what's your idea Little Miss Doubtful?
Nina: Well, I have a taser.
Maria Kelly: Nina.
Nina: I think we should taser him and throw him into the shark tank at Seaworld.

Jack Wyatt: Watch the road!
Uncle Arthur: Hey, is it Porsche, or Porsha?

Maria Kelly: Oh, and when you go out with a guy be sure he has a brother or a friend who is single before you call me!

Jack Wyatt: Party at my house!

Nina: We could electrocute him. There's ton of wires around here.

Uncle Arthur: Do you want the long version or the short version? And I have to warn you, the long version is in Aramaic.

Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.

Isabel Bigelow: Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy.
Nigel Bigelow: It's fantastic, isn't it?
Isabel Bigelow: No. No, it's not. Because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself? It's like those rich men who are never sure why women sleep with them.
Nigel Bigelow: But women sleep with them, so it's not really a problem.

Jack Wyatt: [reading a comment on his performance] I'm a tool?
Ritchie: Yeah, but a good tool. Like a jack-saw!

Ritchie: That's it. You're fired.
Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent.
Jim Fields: You don't have an agent.
Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!

Isabel Bigelow: [after Darin's dog jumps into her arms] Thank God you didn't have a great Dane!

Jack Wyatt: How would you like to be on a television show?
Isabel Bigelow: An actress?
Jack Wyatt: Yeah, if *I* can act, *you* can act.
Book Soup Cafe Waitress: Amen.
Jack Wyatt: [to girl] You know what? I think those people over there just finished their plate of *hummus*.

[from trailer]
Maria Kelly: I love that show! Is that the one with the genie?

Maria Kelly: When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.

Isabel Bigelow: You're sweating again - I love it when you sweat!