A weak con man panics when he learns he's going to prison for fraud. He hires a mysterious martial arts guru who helps transform him into a martial arts expert who can fight off inmates who want to hurt or love him.

[after Mindy takes out the Warden with one kick]
Stan Minton: Where did *that* come form?
Mindy: What do you *think* I've been doing with The Master for the past six months?
The Master: Nice work taking care of Dang, but you're still my Number Two Student.
Stan Minton: Huh?
The Master: [pointing to Mindy] *She'll* kick your ass.
Stan Minton: I think I might like that.
Mindy: Oh, honey, it's ok. A lot could happen in 6 months.
Stan Minton: What's gonna happen, Wendy? Is my anus gonna grow teeth?
Tubby: Looks like everybody's gonna rape you.
Stan Minton: Ok, ok... I, I, I bet I can be a racist for three to five year. A real racist. Hardcore.
Tubby: Well good. Than you can join the Nazi's.
Stan Minton: Excellent.
Tubby: Then you'll only be raped by the other Nazi's.
Stan Minton: [shouting] Raped by Nazi's? No way!
[Stan is trying to convince an elderly woman to buy a time-share condo in South Central LA]
Stan Minton: Black dudes can't get enough of white women. And don't think a woman of your advancing years will be safe from their advances. No, these big black bucks don't care if you're young or old, skinny or fat. They want your white flesh. They want it bad. Tell you the truth, I'm part black myself. If it wasn't for my wife, I'd be bending you over this desk doing you doggy-style right now.
Mrs. Darby: I'll... I'll take it.
Stan Minton: Good Choice! Just sign your Jane Hancock on the dotted line.
[the police come in and arrest Stan]
Carnahan: What about the guys that were convicted of rape? Can we rape *them?*
Stan Minton: Rape the rapists. Seems fair, punishment fitting the crime and all. Sure, go ahead.
Cleon: How 'bout them child molesters?
Stan Minton: Yeah, them, too. Good point.
The Master: Next time use more tongue.
Stan Minton: That's what she said.
[The Master punches Stan in the stomach]
Mindy: So... The Master, where are you from?
The Master: Hell.
Mindy: Oh! Well what brought you to L.A. a job?
Lew Popper: [on phone] Stan, have you ever had two Asian men pummel your balls right after you had sex with a questionably attractive older woman?
Stan Minton: [shouting] I will be unrape-able!
Tubby: You might as well buy a welcome mat, strap it to your asshole, say 'I'm open for business'.
[Dang confronts Stan in the Warden's office]
Dang: The Master has taught you well.
Stan Minton: You studied with The Master too?
Dang: I am his *Number One*.
Stan Minton: Whoa, I didn't see that coming.
Dang: There are many things you *won't see coming*.
Stan Minton: What the fuck just happened in there?
Mal: You lost, Stanley.
Stan Minton: I didn't lose. You're the lawyer. You lost.
Mal: I'm truly sorry.
Stan Minton: Damn it man, I'm rich! I wanted some of that O.J. Justice.
Dang: I'll bet The Master never prepared you for this.
[proceeds to take off his pants]
Dang: Here comes the Egg Roll!
Big Stan: [during climactic fight scene] Somebody didn't strengthen their titties!
Shorts: Don't go near those guys
[points to a group of men, one of whom is consulting a book]
Shorts: They're scientologists.
Big Stan: They don't look so tough.
Shorts: Yeah, they'll talk your ear off and then sue your ass.
Big Stan: Now pick up your gold teeth. I'm gonna let you keep them this time. But if you come at me again, I'm gonna hang on to them like a Swiss banker.
Big Stan: [on phone] Don't you ever find yourself feeling sorry for anybody?
The Master: [on other line] You might as well ask me if I feel sorry for the maggots I grind into my morning coffee.
Big Stan: Tell me, is your grandmother still alive? 'Cause I bet I could make her a sweet deal.
Big Stan: By the time I'm through with her, she'll have to give hand-jobs behind the pharmacy to pay for arthritis medication.
Big Stan: Two at a time, you know? Stuff you see in porno's

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