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An All-American trucker gets dragged into a centuries-old mystical battle in Chinatown.
Jack Burton: When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."
[last lines] Jack Burton: Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it."
Jack Burton: Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president.
Gracie: I'd go with you but... Jack Burton: I know, there's a problem with your face.
Jack Burton: Everybody relax, I'm here.
Jack Burton: I'm a reasonable guy. But, I've just experienced some very unreasonable things.
Jack Burton: You can go off and rule the universe from beyond the grave. Lo Pan: Indeed! Jack Burton: Or check into a psycho ward, which ever comes first, huh?
Jack Burton: What's in the flask, Egg? Magic potion? Egg Shen: Yeah. Jack Burton: Thought so, good. What do we do, drink it? Egg Shen: Yeah! Jack Burton: Good! Thought so.
Jack Burton: Like I told my last wife, I says, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes."
Jack Burton: [speaking to Lo Pan] Are you crazy... Is that your problem?
Jack Burton: All I know is, this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him with *light* coming out of his mouth!
Wang Chi: Here's to the Army and Navy and the battles they have won; here's to America's colors, the colors that never run. Jack Burton: May the wings of liberty never lose a feather.
Jack Burton: You know what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like this? Thunder: Who? Jack Burton: Jack Burton. *Me*!
Jack Burton: Would you stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that.
Jack Burton: [pointing to Chinese writing on elevator] What does that say? Wang Chi: [speaks Chinese] Hell of Boiling Oil. Jack Burton: You're kidding. Wang Chi: Yeah, I am. It says Keep Out.
Jack Burton: Sooner or later I rub everybody the wrong way.
Jack Burton: This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang.
Margo: God, aren't you even gonna kiss her goodbye? Jack Burton: Nope.
Egg Shen: We take what we want and leave the rest, just like your salad bar.
Jack Burton: Which Lo Pan? Little old basket case on wheels or the ten foot tall roadblock?
Wang Chi: You ready, Jack? Jack Burton: I was born ready.
Jack Burton: We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn't we, Wang?
[walking outside in the rain, Jack and Egg fight for control of the umbrella] Wang Chi: A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face, Jack. Egg Shen: Yeah, and a wise man has enough sense to get in out of the rain!
Lo Pan: [spots Gracie, Margo and Eddie on a security monitor] Who are these people? Friends of yours, huh? Now this really pisses me off to no end!
Jack Burton: I don't get this at all. I thought Lo Pan... Lo Pan: Shut up, Mr. Burton! You are not brought upon this world to get it!
[Jack points to the wall] Jack Burton: Hollow? Wang Chi: Hollow. Jack Burton: Fuck it. [Jack wacks open the hollow wall with his knife]
Jack Burton: Mutual Fidelity Insureres of Sacramento... well there's gotta be a listing honey, cause I pay 'um 6 g's a year in premiums. Uncle Chu: China is here Mr. Burton. The Chang Sing, The Wing Kong, they've been fighting for centuries. Jack Burton: What the hell does that mean? huh? China is here, I don't even know what the hell that means, all I know is this "Lo Pan" character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him, with light coming out of his mouth! Wang Chi: Jack please... [lightning strikes and Wang becomes silent] Uncle Chu: WHAT HAPPENED! Wang Chi: He didnt uncle Chu, not like he says. Jack Burton: [diverting from his phone call] Sure did uncle Chu, 2 hours ago, Tall guy Weird clothes, first you see him then you don't. [back to his call] Jack Burton: yeah, is this just a switch board or something... Uncle Chu: Lo Pan appeared on the street? Wang Chi why didn't you tell me? Wang Chi: We didn't want to alarm you uncle. Jack Burton: [on his phone call] I'm gonna tell you about an accident and I dont want to hear an act of god alright. [enter Eddie] Eddie: Good Afternoon Mr. Wong Wang Chi: Eddie, meet my dear friend Jack Burton. Jack, Eddie is the new maitre'd here at the Black Pool. Uncle Chu: And a whole lot more. Jack Burton: [on his phone call] I don't know my policy number, it's in the glove compartment, just look under B.U.R.T.O.N. alright. Uncle Chu: Jack Burton? [Jack turns to his name being called] Uncle Chu: Wow, the guy you always told me about huh? So that was your abandon truck. Jack Burton: Yeah, abandon like hell. [to the phone] Jack Burton: Hey! Hello! Hello! AAHHH Christ. Eddie: Bad news. The Lords of Death stole it after you ran away. Jack Burton: They stole my truck? Wang Chi: It's ok Jack, you're with friend, we'll find it for you. Jack Burton: You're Goddamn right your gonna help me find it, and my money, and time is money to a guy lik me... [points to uncle Chu] Jack Burton: ... and your phone is dead by the way.
Lo Pan: And when I find her, I will marry her... Wang Chi: Never! Lo Pan: Ching Dai will be appeased, my curse will be lifted! Jack Burton: And you can go on to rule the universe from beyond the grave. Lo Pan: Indeed! Jack Burton: Or check into a psycho ward, whichever comes first, right? Wang Chi: Jack, will you...? Jack Burton: "Jack" what? I'm supposed to buy this shit? 2000 years, he can't find one broad to fit the bill? Come on, Dave, you must be doing something seriously wrong! Lo Pan: There have been others, to be sure. There are always others. But you know, Mr. Burton, the difficulties between men and women. How seldom it works out? Yet we all keep trying, like fools.
Jack Burton: Ol' Jack always says... what the hell?
Jack Burton: Tall guy, weird clothes. First you see him, then you don't.
Pinstripe lawyer: Okay. But if I'm gonna be your attorney, there are a few things that I have to know that, uh, still don't make any sense to me. Like, um, you really believe in magic? Egg Shen: You mean Chinese black magic? Pinstripe lawyer: Yes. Egg Shen: Oh, absolutely. Pinstripe lawyer: Are you still serious about this? And, uh, monsters and ghosts as well, I suppose? Egg Shen: Oh, sure. And sorcery. Pinstripe lawyer: And I suppose that, uh, you expect me to believe in sorcery as well? Egg Shen: Of course! Pinstripe lawyer: Why? Egg Shen: Because it's real. Pinstripe lawyer: How can I know that, Mr. Shen? Egg Shen: How? Pinstripe lawyer: Yes, how? Help me out here. Please, how? [Shen raises his hands, and a small bolt of lightning jumps between his palms. The lawyer stares, open-mouthed] Egg Shen: See? That was nothing. But that's how it always begins. Very small.
Jack Burton: This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.
Jack Burton: Well, ya see, I'm not saying that I've been everywhere and I've done everything, but I do know it's a pretty amazing planet we live on here, and a man would have to be some kind of FOOL to think we're alone in THIS universe.
Jack Burton: Son of a bitch must pay!
Jack Burton: That is not water. Egg Shen: Black blood of the earth. Jack Burton: Do you mean oil? Egg Shen: I mean black blood of the earth.
Thunder: Play your cards right... you live to talk about it!
[in a whore house] Jack Burton: Henry Swanson's my name, and excitement's my game. White Tiger: Cash or charge? Jack Burton: Oh gosh, cash, I guess. I mean it's not deductible, is it.
Jack Burton: What does that mean? Huh? "China is here." I don't even know what the hell that means.
Lo Pan: [On phone] No pathetic excuses! I smell the blood of human beings; find them! Boil them until their flesh falls off. You heard me!
Margo: This is just so shocking. I mean I must just be so monumentally naive. Eddie: You are.
Jack Burton: Oh, my god, no. Please! What is that? Don't tell me! Egg Shen: A guardian. What it sees, Lo Pan knows!
Jack Burton: Feel pretty good. I'm not, uh, I'm not scared at all. I just feel kind of... feel kind of invincible. Wang Chi: Me, too. I got a very positive attitude about this. Jack Burton: Good, me too. Wang Chi: Yeah! [pause] Jack Burton: Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?
Egg Shen: Can see things no one else can see. Do things no one else can do. Jack Burton: Real things? Egg Shen: As real as Lo Pan! Jack Burton: Hey, what more can a guy ask for? Egg Shen: Oh, the six-demon bag! Jack Burton: Terrific, a six-demon bag. Sensational. What's in it, Egg? Egg Shen: Wind, fire, all that kind of thing!
Lo Pan: You never could beat me, Egg Shen.
Jack Burton: I took something. I can see things no one else can see. Why're you dressed like that?
Jack Burton: [tapping on the walls] Two, three feet thick, I'll bet. Probably welded shut from the outside, and covered with brick by now! Wang Chi: Don't give up, Jack! Jack Burton: Oh, okay, I won't, Wang! Let's just *chew* our way outta here.
Egg Shen: You will come out no more! Jack Burton: What? Huh? What'll come out no more? Egg Shen: Come on. Jack Burton: Dammit!
[on phone to insurance company] Jack Burton: I'm gonna tell you about an accident, and I don't wanna hear "act of God"!
Gracie: [Jack starts up the Pork Chop Express] What was that? Jack Burton: 6.9 on the Richter scale!
Gracie: [on their way to confront Lo Pan] Do you have a gun, I hope? Jack Burton: I have a knife. Gracie: A knife? This guy's twelve feet tall! Jack Burton: Seven. Hey, don't worry, I can handle him.
Wang Chi: Jack, listen, I need more of your help. I can't pay you today, okay? Jack Burton: Oh, shit. Wang Chi: How can I? I need all my cash for Miao Yin. Eddie: And it's gonna cost. She's got green eyes. Gracie: Oh no, seriously? Oh, that's an extra to these people. It's like leather bucket seats, it's double the price.
Lo Pan: And now, my beloved disciples. The moment of truth... the needle of love.
Jack Burton: Is this gonna get ugly, now? Huh? I hope not. Because I thought what we were here, racial differences notwithstanding, was just a couple of old friends. You know, just both of us Californians.
Wang Chi: [after Wang defeats all the warriors in the warehouse] Time to go!
Miao Yin: I don't belong to you. Lo Pan: You don't. You belong to Ching Dai. I must sacrifice you. But I love you and I need you. Miao Yin: No! Lo Pan: Here take her. Take the bitch!
Lo Pan: Then Ching Dai will be happy and my curse will be lifted! Jack Burton: And go off to rule the universe from beyond the grave. Lo Pan: Indeed! Jack Burton: Or check into a psycho ward, which ever comes first huh!
Lo Pan: They have returned. And this time they are not alone. Egg Shen is with them. Little bastard sorcerer has brought them through the Bog of the Dead Trees. [calling to him telepathically] Lo Pan: Egg Shen... EGG SHEN! You have come a long ways to find me. But it is too late. There are two girls with green eyes, and I will marry them both. And then I will sacrifice Gracie Law to appease my emperor and live out my earthly pleasures with Miao Yin. [cackles] Lo Pan: That's right, Egg Shen. The best of two worlds!
Jack Burton: If you have problem like that again, just reach for the sky!
Wang Chi: Nothin' or double, Jack.
Lo Pan: What does it mean? Two girls with green eyes. After all these years. Gracie: You bastards, unchain me. You're not gonna get away with this. Where's Lo Pan? Lo Pan: [speaks Chinese] This one has fire as well!
Egg Shen: Lo Pan is down there. Jack Burton: Down where? Egg Shen: Where is the universe?
Uncle Chu: What the hell is Gracie Law doing here? Jack Burton: She can't get enough of me. Gracie: Hah! He wishes.
Jack Burton: You got a tongue, Dave. Ask her yourself.
Jack Burton: Wang, these guys, these Sing Dings... Wang Chi: Chang Sings. Jack Burton: They got enemies? Wang Chi: Wing Kong. Jack Burton: Who wear red turbans? Wang Chi: [sees they're now surrounded by Wing Kong warriors] Holy SHIT! These guys are animals, Jack!
[first lines] Pinstripe lawyer: What I'd like to do today is get your version of what happened. Egg Shen: Oh, you mean the truth. Pinstripe lawyer: Of course. First, just state your name and your occupation for the record. Egg Shen: Oh, Egg Shen. Bus driver.
Gracie: Don't panic, it's only me, Gracie Law!
Lo Pan: [Yells at Wang in Chinese after growing frustrated with Jack's dismissive attitude] Mr. Burton, if you have an influence over your youthful friend, you better exert it now. Otherwise, I will have you both brought out to the hell where people are skinned alive it's that simple, understand? Jack Burton: [Leans forward] Are you crazy, is that your problem? Wang Chi: No, he means it Jack.
Egg Shen: We're getting close, real close. And now for some more bad news... Ready?
Jack Burton: We made it. Holy shit, we made it!
Lo Pan: There have been others, to be sure. There are always others, are there not? You seem to be one who knows the difficulties between men and women. How seldom it works out.
Wang Chi: They got this sorta clubhouse thing, you know, where they all hang out. Jack Burton: Sharpen their knives, huh? Wang Chi: I can't ask you to... Jack Burton: Where is it? Wang Chi: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Burton: Abandoned like hell!
Wang Chi: Jack, first I gotta go somewhere, Jack. Jack Burton: No, you don't. Wang Chi: Yeah, I do. So how 'bout we meet at my restaurant in a few hours, you know? I pay the money then. Jack Burton: Pay the money now! Where you gotta go? Wang Chi: The airport. Jack Burton: Yeah, right. Over my dead body. Wang Chi: If need be.
Lo Pan: Magic... The darkest magic. My soul swims in it... Scattered across time, trapped in the world of formlessness...
Eddie: Well sure it was a war. And anybody that showed up was gonna join Lem Lee in the Hell of Being Cut to Pieces. Jack Burton: Hell of being what? Eddie: Chinese have a lot of Hells.
Wang Chi: That's why the bottle didn't slice. My mind and my spirit are goin' north and south.
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