Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey Quotes

A tyrant from the future creates evil android doubles of Bill and Ted and sends them back to eliminate the originals.

[Evil Bill & Ted are holding the real Bill & Ted over a cliff]
Bill: Ted, we gotta do something!
Ted: Dudes, even though you're doing this, we... we...
Bill: We love you!
Ted: We love you!
Evil Bill, Evil Ted: Fags!
Ted: I can't believe Missy divorced your Dad, and married mine.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
[Bill and Ted wake up after having been dead a while. Bill picks out a worm from his ear]
Bill: Dinner's over, worm dude.
[Dead Bill S. Preston almost falls down when climbing around in Hell]
Dead Bill: Ted.
Dead Ted: Yeah?
Dead Bill: If I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.
Dead Ted: But, dude, we're already dead.
Dead Bill: Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.
[during séance. Bill and Ted are floating above Missy]
Missy: Spirits, can you hear me?
Dead Ted: Yeah. And we can totally see down your...
Dead Bill: Ted! That's your mom, dude!
Grim Reaper: [rapping] You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.
[Twirls Scythe over his head and ducks so blade doesn't hit it]
Grim Reaper: Heh heh! Get down with your bad self!
Colonel Oats: Get down and give me... infinity.
[they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse]
Colonel Oats: You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...
Bill: Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!
Ted: Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?
Colonel Oats: ...jokers! You petty, base, bully-bullocked bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms...
Bill: Dude, we gotta get outta here.
Colonel Oats: I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...
[Bill and Ted jump up and run away]
Colonel Oats: GET BACK HERE!
Dead Bill: [after seeing hell] We got totally lied to by our album covers, man.
[falling down a really big hole]
Dead Bill: Hey, you wanna play 20 questions?
Dead Ted: Okay! I got one!
Dead Bill: Are you a mineral?
Dead Ted: Yeah!
Dead Bill: Are you a tank?
Dead Ted: Whoa! Yeah!
Grim Reaper: A hit. You have sank my battleship!
Dead Bill, Dead Ted: Excellent! Yeah!
Dead Ted: I totally knew he put it in the J's, dude!
Dead Bill: Good thinking, Ted.
Grim Reaper: You must play me again.
Dead Bill: WHAT?
Grim Reaper: Um, best two out of three.
Dead Ted: No way!
Grim Reaper: Yes way.
Colonel Oates: You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese Worms!
[Evil Robot Bill and Evil Robot Ted arrive at 1988]
Evil Bill: Not bad...
Evil Ted: Yeah. Let's make it bad.
Beelzebub: Choose your eternity!
Dead Ted: Choose your own, you fag!
[Ted is pushed against a wall by some evil force]
Dead Bill: You ugly, red, source of all evil!
[Bill is pushed against the same wall]
Young Bill: Granny S. Preston, Esquire. No way!
[first lines]
Chuck De Nomolos: It is time. They have reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But, we will change all that. When our mission is successful, no longer will the world be dominated by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this.
[plays air guitar]
Chuck De Nomolos: We will stop them now! Brothers and sisters, are we ready?
[everybody cocks their guns]
Grim Reaper: Don't overlook *my* butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.
Dead Ted: [to God] Keep up the good work.
Bill: Dude!
Ted: What?
Bill: Hell sucks!
Ted: Definitely!
[Bill and Ted fall into an abyss toward hell]
Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
[they run out of breath, then pause and look around, still falling, not sure what to do]
Bill: AAAH...!
Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Bill: Dude, this is a totally deep hole.
Ted: Yeah... now what?
Bill: I don't know.
[pause]
Bill: AAAH...!
Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Grim Reaper: [to The Smoker] See you real soon.
Dead Bill: [after Bill and Ted have each experienced their own personal Hell] That was non-non-non-non-NON-Heinous!
Captain Logan: [Being possessed by Dead Ted] Whoa. Okay, dudes... Oh, I mean, fellow policemen. My son, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and his friend Bill S. Preston, Esquire, have been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future.
Dead Bill: You totally did it dude.
Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] I totally possessed my dad!
[both Bill and Captain Logan do air guitar]
Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Okay. You gotta go over and arrest these robots so they don't ruin everything for me and Bill. Oh, I mean, uh, my son and Bill. And most importantly, they don't hurt the babes... The princesses.
[to himself as Dead Ted]
Captain Logan: This isn't working.
[to Dead Bill]
Captain Logan: Back me up dude!
Dead Bill: You got it dude!
[Possesses Deputy James]
Deputy James: [Being possessed by Dead Bill] I totally believe you dude.
Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Yeah!
[Gives Deputy James a high five]
Deputy James: [as Dead Bill] Whoa, donuts!
Captain Logan: [as Dead Ted] Whoa, excellent!
Deputy James: [as Dead Bill] Savory cruller.
Captain Logan: [as Ted] Yeah. I got real hungry being dead.
Deputy James: [as Bill] Yeah.
[the cops look at them weird]
Captain Logan: [as Ted] Bill, I don't think they believe us.
Deputy James: [as Bill] Well, we'll have to find somebody who will.
Captain Logan, Deputy James: [still possessed] Catch ya later, cop dudes!
Chuck De Nomolos: We are now transmitting on every television channel throughout the world!
English Family Member, English Family Member: My word.
Chuck De Nomolos: I want the whole universe to behold this transfer of power. No longer will our future society be based on the ideas and the music of these two fools! They will be based on my ideas, and my ideas alone!
[draws his gun on Bill and Ted]
Evil Ted: Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for the cat!
Station: Station!
Dead Ted: Bill, what happened?
Dead Bill: Ted, we're dead, dude.
Dead Ted: No way!
Dead Bill: Yes way!
Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
Big Station: Station!
Bill: [stage introduction] And over here, our bass player, the Duke of Spook, the Doc of Shock, The Man with No Tan, please say hello to Death himself, the Grim Reaper.
Dead Bill: Ted, it's the Grim Reaper, dude!
Dead Ted: Oh. How's it hangin' Death?
Rufus: And very important, *do not* do your homework without wearing headphones. Repeat...
Dead Bill: Best of seven?
Grim Reaper: DAMN RIGHT!
Grim Reaper: You have sunk my battleship.
Dead Bill: Ted?
Dead Ted: What?
Dead Bill: Don't "Fear the Reaper"!
[both of them do an air guitar]
Grim Reaper: I heard that.
Evil Ted: I got a full-on robot chubby.
Dead Ted: Are you sure about this?
Dead Bill: It worked in The Exorcist. I and III!
Ms. Wardroe: Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?
Bill, Ted: [in unison] No way.
Grim Reaper: [to God] They Melvined me.
Ted: Now where are we?
[they hear footsteps]
Bill: Who's that?
[a man in an army uniform is marching towards them]
Ted, Bill: It's Colonel Oats! No way!
Colonel Oats: GENTLEMEN!
[he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose]
Colonel Oats: Welcome to hell.
Grim Reaper: I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.
Dead Bill: Sorry, Death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!
Grim Reaper: I said Plum!
Dead Ted: No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?
Grim Reaper: Uh, best three out of five!
Dead Ted: I don't believe this guy!
Evil Easter Bunny: Theodore! You made your little brother cry.
Heaven's Gatekeeper: [to the Grim Reaper] Don't I know you?
Ted: Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!
Bill: Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.
Bill: You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!
Evil Ted: Yeah, and we're fully gonna do it again!
Evil Bill: I totally loogied on that good, dead me!
Bill, Ted: Catch you later, God!
Evil Bill: [Good Bill calls as Evil Bill and Ted are leaving with the princesses; Evil Bill answers the phone] Logan residence. Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire speaking.
[to Evil Ted]
Evil Bill: It's them! They're back from the dead.
Evil Ted: [shrugs] Guess we get to kill 'em again.
Evil Bill, Evil Ted: Excellent!

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