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In 2002, two rival Olympic ice skaters were stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from men's single competition. Presently, however, they've found a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team.
Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine. Coach: Oh, really? Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps." Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means. Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative... Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross... Chazz: ...It gets the people going!
Jimmy: I see you got FAT! Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!
Jimmy: I don't share rooms! Chazz: I don't share SHIT! [pause] Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me... Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron! Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!
Chazz: [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...
Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it? Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling? Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?
[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign] Chazz: Let's capture the dream. Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that? Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that. Jimmy: Cool. Chazz: Let's kick some ice.
Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.
Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!
Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!
Hector: I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday... It's coming up...
Jimmy: Get out of my face. Chazz: I'll get inside your face.
Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers? Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.
Chazz: Did you carve up any ice... with your weiner?
Hector: It's embarrassing stalking a has-been.
Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Two men skating together? And in our division, no less! Why, Stranz? Why is God singling us out to the greatest suffering the world has ever known? Stranz Van Waldenberg: I don't know, sis; those two are just a couple of freaks. Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Nothing breaks up a team faster than... Stranz Van Waldenberg: Herpes! Uh... jealousy.
Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!
Chazz: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
Chazz: [talking to the press] This is my brother. And this is my brother's new girlfriend and she is NOT a whore!
Jimmy: You ruined my dreams! Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years. Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face! Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight! Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!
Bryce: Are you drunk? Chazz: No, but this oughta do it [smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks] Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. [pause] Bryce: You smell like urine. Chazz: A lot?
Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary! Jimmy: No, that's not her.
Co-Anchor: [Describing Chazz] Chazz Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Co-Anchor: [about Chazz] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.
Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded
Chazz: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
Jimmy: I'm getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!
Chazz: Ahh, my nutsack!
Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat. Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me! Chazz: Maybe I will. Jimmy: Maybe you should. Chazz: You challenging me, princess? Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party. Chazz: Then bring it on! Jimmy: It is on!
Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.
Coach: You're the girl. Jimmy: What? Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy. Jimmy: Wait, why? Coach: Because you whine like one! [turns to Chazz] Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.
Chazz: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...
Random Guy: [holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [when Katie is leaving] No, Katie, come back, we love you and stuff...
Chazz: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Who's gonna save you now, Chazz? Is Little Lord MacLeroy gonna come and meet ya down here? [Chazz flips him the bird]
[Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles] Darren MacElroy: You're fired. Coach: What? I got him a Gold Medal. Darren MacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.
[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video] Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus. Chazz: Are you nuts? Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that! Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.
Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold. Jimmy: That was disgusting. Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.
Hector: [to Jimmy after he's told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] Oh, I'm still going to kill you someday! [nods and walks away]
Chazz: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy. Jimmy: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied! Chazz: You're high!
Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here [pointing to heart] Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother [grabs Jimmy] Chazz: , this is my brother [grabs Katie] Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf. Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital. Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.
Surly Reporter - Montreal: Jimmy Macelroy stands alone, and you got to wonder what's going on. Reporter - Montreal: Well, this is Rice without Montana. Ali without Frasier. Han Solo without Chewbacca.
Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice? Jimmy: I don't know Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.
Coach: [interjecting as Chazz and Jimmy are arguing] All right, this is gonna stop right now! From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together, you are going to pee together, you're gonna file a joint income tax return; practice starts now! End of discussion!
Hector: I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?
Chazz: I permanently call shotgun. Jimmy: You do not get shotgun every time!
Chazz: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
Chazz: Don't make me kill her!
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.
Katie Van Waldenberg: Great! That'll give me time to get my jugs waxed.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive?
Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance] Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary? Chazz: Ask THEM.
Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes! Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore! [begins throwing up again]
Chazz: You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.
Sports Anchor: [Referring to their medals] And how heavy is that gold around your necks? Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Scott, this may be solid gold, but to us it's lighter than air, because dreams never weigh you down. Stranz Van Waldenberg: No. Dreams are in your sleep.
Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me. Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron! Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
Random Guy: You mean, that blonde chick's a dude?
Chazz: [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
Chazz: What're you, the rug doctor? Jimmy: Maybe I am. Chazz: Well, I'm the rug MASTER. Jimmy: What does that even mean?
Jimmy: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend! Chazz: This isn't what it looks like. [Grabs Katie's breast] Jimmy: Impure! Impure! [Runs out of the room] Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait! Chazz: Brother man!
Jimmy: When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.
Co-Anchor: Jimmy may be renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott, but after that performance, he's starting to reek... Of gold.
Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning. Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo. Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.
Jimmy: [to Katie] I like your... buttons.
[Darren is 'unadopting' Jimmy] Jimmy: I've been your son for 26 years. Darren MacElroy: 22, so no one can say I didn't try.
Darren MacElroy: [referring to the fans] They may look cute and innocent, but they're nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
Jimmy: Who's that? Chazz: You mean Katie van Waldenberg? Jimmy: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister? Chazz: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Chazz: We're going to Montreal bitch!
Chazz: It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.
Jimmy: [fighting with Chazz] You're so fat!
Darren MacElroy: Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy: I just put them in order.
Jimmy: I've never fallen in a competition before. Just take my hand and we can get through this.
[Jimmy and Katie have just kissed] Katie Van Waldenberg: You've been practicing. Jimmy: Chazz taught me some stuff.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: No, say you want a snowbone!
Chazz: Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating. [shouts and raises left arm] Chazz: Boom!
[first lines] Darren MacElroy: [watching a young Jimmy skate at an orphanage] I'll take him.
Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room? Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose. Chazz: Nice choice, Coach. Coach: Turned out well.
Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have? Chazz: Twin dongs?
Stranz Van Waldenberg: It makes my blood boil. Fairchild Van Waldenberg: You know I'm not a violent person. But I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
Co-Anchor: These two put the "bone" in Zamboni.
Chazz: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!
Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you. Jimmy: What? Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I'm disowning you.
Chazz: I am never satisfied! It's a curse...
Jimmy: Watch my icy hot super slide. Chazz: Do it.
Chazz: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
Hector: I wanna wear the gold medal... naked.
Chazz: Throw me some chicken.
Chazz: You're welcome Stockholm!
Chazz: They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
Coach: Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!
Jimmy: They're laughing at us. Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
Chazz: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.
Chazz: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!
Chazz: [while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey everybody, this is Gary the squirrel! You know me and Gary have been skating for two and a half years now. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball" [Chazz pukes in his wizard mask] Chazz: I just puked in here people!
Jimmy: Hi, you've reached Jimmy, if you can dream it, you can do it!
Chazz: You know this is how I rolled when you met me. Sam: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top. Jimmy: No way, the girl's goes on top. Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick. Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger! Chazz: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [realizing he's about to lose the gold medal to Chazz and Jimmy] It's over. All the endorsements, everything gone. Oh my God, I can't get a real job; it'll kill me!
Chazz: Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.
Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
Katie Van Waldenberg: No, I'm not spying for you again. Stranz Van Waldenberg: We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Hector: He likes food and dreams and whispers... his favorite movie is Short Circuit... and Fried Green Tomatoes.
Chazz: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot. Coach: I don't see what's so funny. Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [referring to Jimmy and Chazz] Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.
Chazz: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.
Hector: Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one who looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
Jimmy: I call top. Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head... Jimmy: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count. Chazz: Yes it does.