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A romantic comedy about a naive man who comes out into the world after being in a nuclear fallout shelter for 35 years.
Adam: Oh my lucky stars! A Negro!
Adam: Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.
[the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so] Adam: Do we just go on up? Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night. Helen: Oh, shit! [Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth] Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son. Adam: "Shit" is French? Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good. Helen: Your father's right. Adam: Well. "Shit"!
Eve: Now hold on, hold on just a minute! In the first place I do not fall in love with weirdos who I've only known for four or five days! Troy: Yes you do. Eve: And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards! Troy: Yes you do. Eve: Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean! Troy: Yes you do. Eve: Or have perfect table manners! Troy: You know, I asked him about that. He said, good manners are just a way of showing other people we have respect for them. See, I didn't know that, I thought it was just a way of acting all superior. Oh and you know what else he told me? Eve: What? Troy: He thinks I'm a gentleman and you're a lady. Eve: [disgusted] Well, consider the source! I don't even know what a lady is. Troy: I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible. Eve: Where do you think he got all that information? Troy: From the oddest place - his parents. I mean, I don't think I got that memo from mine.
Eve: So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel? Adam: Uh-huh! Eve: That's it? Adam: Yes. Eve: And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?
Eve: [Trying to get rid of Troy] You! Go to the bathroom! Troy: What, right *here*? [pause while Eve stares at him] Troy: Well I thought I should check, you're being so bossy!
Troy: Lying can be a very effective dating tool.
Eve: Oh, you coward. Troy: Gentleman coward.
Troy: I love sushi. Adam: I love Lucy. Troy: Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
Adam, Age 11: What's baseball? Calvin: It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher... Adam, Age 11: Oh, like a painting. Calvin: No, a pitch-er. Adam, Age 11: Like one of mom's? Calvin: No. There's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat. Adam, Age 11: Oh! The nocturnal flying mammal?
Adam: Say, mom? Helen: Yes, dear? Adam: I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so. Helen: Oh Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but in my day anyhow girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.
Eve: Where are you parked? Adam: I came on a bus. Eve: Why does that not surprise me. Adam: I dunno. Why doesn't that sunrise you? Eve: Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing. Adam: Oh, that's nice. Eve: Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far? Adam: So far? Eve: Yes, I'm right? Adam: Right. Eve: I knew it. So anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again? Adam: Again. Eve: Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn. Adam: Oh. Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right. Eve: See, I'm psychic. I mean not completely but pretty much. Pretty good, huh? Adam: No, that was amazing! Eve: Yeah I know. Thanks.
Adam: What do mean you can get me laid? Eve: Uh, can we talk about that a little later? Adam: Of course. Eve: Great.
[Adam has bought rollerblades] Adam: Eve, can I skate around your block? Troy: [suggestively] How about it, Eve - can he *skate* around your block? Eve: No. Troy: Just a few laps. Adam: It won't take long. Eve: No.
Adam: Uh, Eve, this is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And I wanted to tell you that I... that uh... that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true, and... and that's all I... and that's all.
Troy: [pointing to Sophie's sizeable breast implants] So, Sophie, when you fly to Paris, do you check these or are they carry-on?
Eve: Have you ever had sex before? Adam: No. Eve: How is that possible?
Eve: What have you been doing? Adam: Watching television... in color.
Eve's Boss at Collectables Store: [to Adam and Eve] You guys are gonna have a great time together! Mazel-fucking-tov!
Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist. Helen: Oh no! Calvin: That happens.
Eve: [to Adam, about Troy] He's gay, by the way. Adam: [thinking she means that Troy is happy] Well, good for you!
Eve: Rule number one in North America: no strangers in the car. Adam: Well if it will make you feel any better, I don't have a gun. Eve: Oh, well that changes everything.
[Adam, Eve and Troy are at the club, looking for a girlfriend for Adam. Adam spots a lovely young woman] Adam: How about her? Eve: No way. Adam: No way? Why not? I, I think she's very attractive. Eve: Adam! She's got 'bitch' written all over her. You do know what 'bitch' means, don't you? Adam: [nodding] Well, well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary. But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say that about *you*! [Troy stifles a laugh; Eve glares at him and then at Adam]
Eve: Here ya go, one champagne cocktail. Adam: Oh, thank you. Eve: I thought only hookers drank those things? Adam: Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.
Adam: I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist. Soda Jerk: It happens.
Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for? Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant. Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. OK. Cool. Adam: And if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena. Eve: [laughs] Um, when do you need her by? Adam: Two weeks? Eve: Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time. Adam: That's what I was afraid of.
[Edited TV Version] Eve's Boss at Collectables Store: You know why you can't keep a gosh darn job? Because you can't keep your gosh darn mouth shut! That's why!
Eve: And now I suppose he's trying to make those two dancers feel as comfortable as possible. Troy: No. He didn't go home with them. Eve: [Eve gives a happy look to Troy] ... Well. Troy: He went home with Sophie. Eve: [screams really loudly] No! Troy: Yep. Eve: No! Troy: She swept him out of the room, whispering little sweet French nothings into his ear.
Adam: The sky! Child: I see it mommy! Adam: I've never seen anything like it! [looks at little girl] Adam: or like you!
Calvin: Would you like a tranquilizer? Helen: You have tranquilizers? Calvin: I told you, I have everything!
Calvin: You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
[Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home] Calvin: I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine. Helen: Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much. Calvin: He's smart! Helen: Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby. Calvin: He's a man. Helen: He's a baby man.
[Adam is rehearsing Troy's advice as he approaches a young woman whom Troy thinks looks "sweet."] Adam: Surprising, yet funny. [Adam recalls his father's silly joke] Adam: Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm. Adam: [nods to himself] Lie. [he approaches Miss Sweet] Adam: Hi. [she looks him up and down, appraising, but replies disdainfully] Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: Yes? Adam: I was wondering if you could help me? I, um... [she looks at him with definite disdain] Adam: ...seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor around here... somewhere. Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: [bursts into laughter] Now, that's a great one!
Calvin: Son. Adam. Adam: Yes, Father? Calvin: Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore. Adam: Adult bookstore. Why? Calvin: Poison gas. Invisible.
Troy: Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met... Eve: And I have him committed. Troy: Yes. Yes you did. Eve: Well, at least I fell for him before I knew he was rich. That's new.
Eve: Whenever Adam gives me, such obviously incorrect information. I just smile, slap him on the knee and look out the window. Why spoil his dreams? They're such wonderful dreams.
Eve: I'm sick of working for that dickhead. Adam: What? Eve: You know, a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. A dickhead!