The cryptkeeper returns to tell the story of a funeral parlor that moonlights as a vampire bordello.

Miguel: [to Vincent] You drive us all the way to the end of the earth... for a fuckin' stiff?
[Katherine attempts to swing on a chain from one platform to another]
Rafe: That is the craziest fuckin' thing I've...
[Rafe attempts to leave, but sees the Vampire Caleb following close, and returns to Katherine]
Rafe: That is the second craziest fuckin' thing I've...
Lilith: Two! Four! Six! Eight! You can watch me masturbate.
Rafe Guttman: You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality.
[talking to a she-vampire]
Rafe Guttman: I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you.
Rafe: [to Police Deputy Noonan] You know, Noonan, you don't wear irony too well. Why don't you leave that to the big boys, okay?
[a vampire bursts into flames after being squirted with Holy water]
Rafe Guttman: Cha-Ching!
Caleb Verdoux: Oh my God, it's a necrophiliac's wet dream!
Rafe: [after finding and confronting Rev. Current in the bordello] Come on, Rev, I'm feeling a little jumpy - friend or foe?
The Crypt Keeper: [to the mummy's head] Trust me, quit while you're ahead.
Rafe Guttman: I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type.
[Zeke's shot knocks a beer onto a girl]
Rafe Guttman: Six pack in the side cleavage!
Vincent Prather: You're a smart boy, Miguel. Because of that I'm gonna let you have some of what we find.
Miguel: Ah! Remember that you said that.
Vincent Prather: I will. I'm gonna let it have some of you, too.
Zeke: Step outside!
Rafe Guttman: Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob.
Lilith: I'm afraid God can't help you.
Katherine: A whorehouse?
Rafe: A house inhabited by whores.
[seeing a televangelist's glitzy chapel]
Rafe Guttman: Nice place, Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's place on Krypton.
Tamara: Guess where you just landed, lover?
Rafe Guttman: Larry Flynt's id?
Bordello Vampire: Hey boys, want to take the Skin Train to Tuna Town?
[On the phone with his ex-wife]
Rafe Guttman: I gotta go. Fuck you.
[hangs up]
Rafe Guttman: Ah, the girls! Let them eat a guy named "Cake."
Rafe: [after Tamara stands in front of window letting in sunlight] Tammy! Tell me again why vampires hate sunlight?
Noonan: [after Rafe wakes up in the hospital] It's about fucking time!
Rafe: I've gone to hell and it's worse than I thought? Noonan, where am I?
Lillith: Don't eat your heart out, baby - that's MY job.
[after ripping Jenkin's head off]
Lillith: I just love a man who gives you head - and lets you keep it!
Rafe Guttman: I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt!
Rafe Guttman: Sorry Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.
Caleb: Wrong! I'll always be your brother, sis.
Rafe Guttman: Katherine, run from your brother.
[Rafe is trying to gain access to the whorehouse, which is disguised as a funeral home]
Rafe Guttman: I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake.
McCutheon: I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.
Rafe Guttman: I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.
McCutheon: Then I suggest you come back TOMORROW.
Rafe Guttman: Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD.
McCutheon: I'm so sorry.
Rafe Guttman: And if I don't grieve right now - maybe even grieve two or three times - I'm going to go out of my mind, okay?
McCutheon: Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private - with a box of tissues!

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