In his attempts to reconcile a lounge singer with his mistress, a hapless talent agent is mistaken as her lover by a jealous gangster.

Danny Rose: May I interject one statement at this juncture? And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any way...
Danny Rose: You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you gotta suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
Danny Rose: My rabbi, Rabbi Perlstein, used to say we're all guilty in the eyes of God.
Tina Vitale: Do you believe in God?
Danny Rose: No, no. But I'm guilty over it.
Danny Rose: Take my Aunt Rose. Not a beautiful woman at all. She looked like something from a live bait store.
Tina Vitale: They shot him in the eyes.
Danny Rose: Oh my God, he's blind?
Tina Vitale: He's dead...
Danny Rose: Of course, the bullets would go right through...
Blind Xylophonist: The cranberry sauce is dry.
Herbie Jayson: You're eating the mashed potatoes!
Danny Rose: The days before you'll go onstage you gotta look in the mirror and you gotta say your three S's: star, smile, strong!
Danny Rose: I don't see you folding balloons in joints, you're gonna be folding balloons in... colleges and universities!
Danny Rose: I don't wanna badmouth the kid, but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.
Danny Rose: It's very important to be guilty. I'm guilty all the time and I never did anything.
[Trying to get a booking for a client]
Danny Rose: My hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall. But you - I'll let you have her now at the old price, OK? Which is, which is anything you wanna give me. Anything at all.
Danny Rose: [asks about her ex-husband] What'd you do, you divorced him, or got a separation, or what?
Tina Vitale: Nah, some guy shot him in the eyes.
Danny Rose: Really? He's blind?
Tina Vitale: Dead.
Danny Rose: Dead. Of course, 'cause the bullets go right through.
[On why one of his acts can't perform]
Danny Rose: The cat ate his bird. That comes under the Act of God clause.
Danny Rose: I don't wanna get my legs chopped off cos I do a guy a favour.
Barney Dunn: Hey D- D- Danny, who's your fr- fr- fr- fr- guest?
Danny Rose: [doing stand-up comedy] I drove up here today. I love driving. You run across so many interesting people.
Danny Rose: If you take my advice, you'll become one of the great balloon-folding acts of all time! Really, 'cause I don't just see you folding balloons in joints. You listen to me, you're gonna fold balloons at universities and colleges.
Danny Rose: I need a valium the size of a hockey puck.
Danny Rose: [at dinner with Lou's family] How are you, darling? How old are you?
Lou's Daughter: Twelve.
Danny Rose: Twelve! Are you married?
Tina Vitale: [lost in New Jersey] Hey, wait a minute! I know where we are. These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
Danny Rose: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest.
Danny Rose: What is this, a Turkish whorehouse? I live here, darling!
Danny Rose: Don't forget to do "My Funny Valentine" with the special lyrics about the moon landing.
Tina Vitale: I like it when he takes the microphone off the stand and sort of throws the microphone from hand to hand.
Danny Rose: That's my gesture. I gave him that.
Tina Vitale: Years ago he took the microphone off the stand.
Danny Rose: But he didn't throw it from hand to hand. I used to do that in nightclub acts.
Tina Vitale: So you taught him to throw the microphone from hand to hand...
Danny Rose: I taught him everything he knows.
Tina Vitale: I don't want to over-wriggle...
Tina Vitale: He had it comin'.