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A guy who complains about God too often is given almighty powers to teach him how difficult it is to run the world.
God: Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
[repeated line] Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan! Grace: Oh, thank you, God. Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off? Grace: [gasps in disbelief] Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal. [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat] Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy. Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill... Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right. Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk. Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*? Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job? Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems... Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock [shouts] Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me? [sticking his face into the camera] Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding. Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black. Control Booth Operator: I'm on it. Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
God: Grace. You want her back? Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes. God: Now THAT'S a prayer.
Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.
Grace: Debbie won the lottery. Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding. Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
[last "line" in the film] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE" [homeless man morphs into God]
Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop! [Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear] Bruce: High ho silver, away! [Bruce drives down the road at high speed]
Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.' [Truck with Danger signs passes him]
Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive. Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
God: Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors.
God: Allllllrighty then.
Bruce: Who are you? God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega. Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going. God: Bruce... I'm God. Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!
Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team. Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega. Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit [choked off] Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow [unintelligible chicken squawking] Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck. Director: Someone get him some water please. Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water. Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France. Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter. Technician: The prompter's fine. Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it. Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news [breaks wind] Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla [rapid unitelligible gibberish] Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah [explosive gibberish] Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds] [vaguely Chinese] Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE [nervous laugh]
God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that? God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.
[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads] Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.
Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand] God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
Bruce: Where are you going? God: I'm taking a vacation. Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye? God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.
Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will? God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will. Bruce: Can I ask why? God: Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
Bruce: [Grace is sat on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a us, tryin' to make his way... [She opens the door, and Bruce is stood there] Bruce: .hooooOOOOOOME! Grace: Oh my God. Bruce: You can call me Bruce. Grace: What happened you you? You seem so- [He interrupts her with a kiss] Grace: ... happy. Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this. [He presents her with some flowers] Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these? Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies. Grace: Okay... [She walks away into the kitchen to get a vase] Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night... Bruce: Last night I was only human. [He backs away seductively] Bruce: Barry help me out here. [the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's "Never Never Gonna Give You Up]
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you. Bruce: Quit bragging.
Bruce: [shouting across the lake] Smite me, oh mighty Smiter!
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.
Bruce: Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks!
Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning. Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese. Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey. Grace: Honey last night was just... Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know... Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you? Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger? Grace: Oh come on! [She jiggles her boobs for him] Grace: Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me! Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you. [Kisses her] Grace: Where are you going? Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.
[Bruce sees an attractive girl walk past. He blows, causing a gust of wind to lift her skirt] Bruce Nolan: And he saw that it was *good*!
Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions? God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.
Bruce: Love me. Love me. Grace: ...I did.
Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home [laughing] God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.
[during the riot] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "THY KINGDUMB COME"
Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break! [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God] God: Really something, isn't it? Bruce: Is this heaven? God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all. [pause] Bruce: I'm *dead*? God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya. Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.
Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan. Jack: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole. Bruce: Well I can be an asshole. Jack: No Bruce, you can't. [Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands] Jack: You going to pick that up? Bruce: Yeah I'm sorry.
God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
Bruce: [standing on the top of a skyscraper in a storm] I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!
Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks? Kid: Sure Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these? Kid: Duh! Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!
Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass? Kid: Hey. You said "ass". Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.
[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ] Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this [tugs at hair net] Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on... start! [slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts] Bruce: [stunned] That was luck.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!
Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self. Jack: You did that in a day? Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...
Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want. God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
[Grace is in a coffee shop when the following infomercial comes on the TV] Informercial Announcer: K-TEL Records brings you the 100 Greatest Love Songs of All Time. You'll hear such classics as "All You Need Is Bruce," "If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Then Love Bruce," "Do That to Bruce One More Time," and who can forget that classic, "Bruce So Horny - He Love You Long Time." Order today, and we'll throw in at no extra charge, the video "Sweatin' to Bruce". Just dial 1-900-4 GIV HIM. That's 1-900-4 GIV HIM.
[looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression] Bruce: That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.
Grace: Honey, hi , wow! [Gasps as she looks up at the sky, seeing the moon, which Bruce has brought closer to the Earth] Grace: I've never seen the moon that big! Bruce: Yeah... [Bruce starts running his hands through Grace's hair sensually] Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it. [Bruce and Grace start making out passionately, as a divinely-caused meteor shower lights the sky behind them] Bruce: Bedroom? Grace: [Grace breaks the kiss] Five minutes! [Grace runs into the bathroom to prepare for sex]
Bruce and God: It's GOOD.
Grace: I'll be out in a minute! Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure. [Growls] Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh! Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure. Grace: Wow. Bruce: It can be quite... [yells] Bruce: PLEASURABLE! Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God. Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasurable pleasurable pleasurable... Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God! [Moaning] Grace: Oh Good God! [She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight] Bruce: ...pleasurable pleasurable. [the bathroom door opens, and Bruce quickly stops chanting, and adopts a casual pose. Grace is stood in the doorway, using it for support. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her by the ass, and throws her down onto the bed] Grace: [Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss] Bruce: [Bruce cries out triumphantly]
[after gang beats up Bruce] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "LIFE IS JUST"
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY" Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"
Grace: So God is picking on you? Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie? Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back. Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we? Bruce: [New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie? Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy? Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces? Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.
Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog! Grace: I'm in the shower!
Bruce: What up with thee.
[after God finds the bead that Bruce had earlier threw in the lake] Bruce: Holy sh... cow.
Jack: There he is, the man of the hour! Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!
Bruce Nolan: Newsflash! I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job. I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment. I'm not okay with a mediocre life! Grace: Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life? Bruce Nolan: Don't make this about you. Grace: About me? This isn't about me. It's about you. It's always about you! Bruce Nolan: Perfect. PERFECT! I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt please!
Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoooo... [a spoon appears, sliding out of his mouth] Bruce: It's okay, I found one.
[first lines] Bruce: God, why do you hate me?
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason. Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
[on Buffalo's biggest cookie] Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!
God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Bruce: Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal! God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl. Bruce: Yeah, but she was *huge*. God: And the sun was in your eyes.
Bruce: It's good. It's goooooood!
Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right? [Bruce nods] Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry. Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's TODAY.
[From a scripted, but unreleased scene] Susan Ortega: [Bruce and Susan are at the Eyewitness News desk, preparing for their first live broadcast together. Susan leans over to Bruce] Bruce, if I had any idea Grace was going to be there last night... Bruce: Susan, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I found the moment rather pleasurable. Susan Ortega: [She gasps and moans as she has a small orgasm] Oh really... that's nice...
Bruce: Ally, can we get a recap? Ally Loman: You remember the Kowalskis? They've owned the shop for thirty years and they're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
Stalled Car Guy: Well, thanks a million. Bruce: [puts his hand up] God bless.
[as Bruce arrives late to work] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "R EWE BLIND"
Bruce: [measuring the diameter Buffalo's cookie] And the cookie is... ten feet and four inches! That's a record!
Grace: [after Bruce was attacked by hoodlums] Oh, thank God you're all right. Bruce: Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain!
Mother: [Bruce drives up in his fancy car] What the heck is that? Grace: Oh, Bruce's new car. Mother: Ok... Grace: [Bruce gets out of the car and walks towards her] I am mad at you. Bruce: I know you are, and you have every right to be. [He pulls out a bouquet of flowers] Bruce: But I have flowers. Grace: What are those? Bruce: They're a hybrid of sunflowers and lilies. I call 'em "sillies". 'Cause they're a little mixed up like me.
Bruce: What is with that?
Newscaster: His stories are all over town. Newscaster: From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa. Newscaster: To a meteor crashing to Earth. Newscaster: Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as... [Shot of a "Mr Exclusive" banner being put up]
Bruce: [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey... [They kiss] Bruce: How was that? Grace: That was great. Bruce: Yeah? Grace: That was really great. [They kiss again] Grace: Now you still have to go over there. They nurse is waiting. Bruce: Oh... do I have to? Grace: Oh it's not gonna hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable. Bruce: Ooo baby.
Evan Baxter: Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.
Bruce: [Grace has walked out angrily after catching Bruce kissing Susan Ortega. Bruce is running after her] Grace! Grace, come here! Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you! Grace: Oh yeah, what, and you thought like Susan's mouth was the phone? Bruce: She kissed me! I'm the kissee! Grace: Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight! Bruce: I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong. Okay, I screwed up! Can I make it up to you? Grace: Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce? Bruce: What? Grace: Yeah, a big boat! And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff! Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for 5 years, but not me Bruce! Just gimme the boat! [She gets in the car] Bruce: No wonder you stayed single! Grace, don't do this! Grace: I'm not doing it! I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's, you take care of Sam until I can make arrangements. [She drives off] Bruce: You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'm the Omega, baby! Okay fine. I don't need you!
[from deleted scene] Grace: I don't want a dog that craps in a toilet!
Hazel: [Being interviewed by Bruce] My secret is that I let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours, before I stir it into the chilli. Then I let it all come to a simmer. Bruce: [He closes his eyes and concentrates. A meteor then crashes right behind them] Hold that thought Hazel! It seems as if... an asteroid, or some kind of meteorite... has just hit ground, right outside of the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-off! This should certainly spice things up a bit!
Little Girl: [Bruce is lying in bed, asleep. Suddenly, he begins to hear thousands of voices in his head, causing him to wake up. Several are loud enough to make out] Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister. Man #1: Please help me Lord. Please get me through this one. Woman: I need you Lord. I'm desperate. And you alone, can take control of my future. Man #2: All I'm asking, Lord, is that you help me. Little Girl: Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.
Bruce: [He finds a particular photo amongst the others] Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake. Grace: How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash. Bruce: [Staring at it] You look perky, hun. Must've been cold. Grace: Alright just give it to me. Bruce: You know I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper. Grace: Okay, Bruce, give it to me! Come on! [She tries to get it off him] Bruce: Hey! Hey! No no no! Grace: Alright fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care. Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful. Grace: Give that to me, right now! [She pounces on him]
[From a deleted scene on the DVD] Bruce: Alright, now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's see... Filbert Davis, Gym Class. [He reads the prayer] Bruce: Lemme get a visual on this. School Bully 1: [They're stood in gym class, next to the climbing rope] Come on, fatty Filbert! My grandma can climb higher than you! School Bully 2: Pretend there's a hot dog up there! Filbert Davis: Oh God, please help me! Bruce: Don't worry Filbert, help is on the way! [Filbert suddenly has a burst of strength, and is able to climb up to the top of the rope] Filbert Davis: Oh my gosh...
Bruce Nolan: Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue... or a spoon?
[while Bruce is looking a guy next to a broken down car] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ALL FOR WON"
Bruce: Let there be light! [With a single gesture, Bruce makes a series of candles light up]
Bruce: [Bruce sees Sam, about to urinate on an armchair] Sam... [He points to the bathroom, and Sam goes to urinate in the toilet] Bruce: Good boy. [Sam turns to leave] Bruce: Ah! Forget something? [Sam goes to put the seat down] Bruce: Good boy! There are girls in the house, huh?